jsfantome's Journal, 24 May 2012

You never really know what a day holds in store for you until it's upon you, and unfolding. Yesterday, was a hard day. A very hard day.

This journal is more for me than you... and hardly about my weightloss journey, but more about my mental health. I'm struggling on an emotional level that I can barely put into words, and I am hoping that just the release of writing, will offer me some clarity that seems right now to be escaping me.

It's all so complicated and probably won't make sense to alot of people, but my thoughts here are not expressed to embarrass or criticize someone else. But to help me to focus on my own choices.

It's way too easy to 'react', and far more complicated to 'respond'.

My husband and I have struggled (like most couples), we've had our share of ups and downs.. but through it all he has remained my dearest, and deepest confidant. Truly my best friend. And the love of my heart.

Trust was broken in our relationship - and many tears, and months later, - LOVE conquered the day, and not only was trust restored...but we came away with such a strengthened commitment to one another, and a renewal in our marriage - I was grateful for the heartache, as the REWARDS of a healthy, strong marriage were everything I ever wanted out of this relationship.

Well, some habits die hard.

And trust - yet again sits shattered around me!

Of course he doesn't want to lose me. (I wouldn't want to lose me either, if I was him!) But I can't help but feel that's a crock of crap! This is a grown man - not a child - and we all (sooner or later) have to take ownership of our choices in life.

Boundaries are healthy. And while it was certainly one of the hardest things for me to risk everything... I had to put firmly in place some boundaries regarding his personal choices.

I am not judging you. Your choices are yours! Just give me the same courtesy to have my own. The impact of these choices left my marriage weak and left me broken emotionally - for more than a decade! And it wasn't until I began to learn of my own self worth, that I finally said... enough.

I am not without compassion. And I certainly see the truth in his efforts to overcome this issue. Or I did. But now time has moved on, and the fear of losing me, and crossing those boundaries again... they did not seem to matter enough to affect his choices.

I don't know if this can heal. I don't know if I can move forward and risk again. I know I cannot live feeling 'less than' enough for him.

It's kinda odd, because everything I read says 'don't take it personally'. Really? Who are these people who write this crap! I don't know how they define their relationships, or the value they place on the intimacy of their lives - but I can't help BUT to take it personally. Right or wrong... I'm just being honest.

Oh, I'm sorry. Really? I could not care less.

Addicts hurt the people that love them. I am walking through something I know nothing about, except the impact it's having on me. I put healthy boundaries in place, to protect me from being in this spot again... and yet, now crossed...here I sit.

And I feel weak. Sort of like when you ground your kid for two weeks...and several days later you realize they are going to miss out on something they've wanted and planned on for months...so the tug at your heart makes you want to relent...and change the punishment.

I made it clear that the 'next time' would be the last time.

I guess I have just learned my marriage is over.

There's not much you can say - but I needed to write this. Just tell me you care! That alone will make all the difference. Much Love.