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kmartdollie's Journal, 20 May 2012
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I'm feeling down today, and I don't know why. I have been going through a lot of changes recently, and I just feel like it's such a huge process and I set really high goals and get discouraged when they take a long time. My big doctor's appt. is tomorrow, and I am excited to find out what my A1C is. I know I'm not feeling depressed because of my doctor's appt. I have just been thinking a lot about my life today and all the changes I want to make and I'm feeling down. Right now I feel the dieting and exercising is one of the few things I have control over. I really want to get a new job, but I feel like I have little control over that right now. I have a good education, pretty good work experience, but I am selective about the kind of job I want and I have to wait long periods of time before things come up in my field that I am wanting to apply for. There's a lot of competition for those jobs, and I've been looking for two years. My job is incredibly stressful and I don't know how I'm not going to smoke and do it, that's stressing me out. I am also equally selective about trying to find a man in my life. Plus, now I am not a BBW, but I am also still bigger than average and that affects the whole situation. I have been single for a long time, and I guess I'm lonely. Plus I am feeling bitter, I will admit it. I think if I meet a guy who likes me thin, I might resent the hell out of him for not liking me fat. I realize this is an emotional handicap but I have just not worked through it yet. Plus I am not feeling supported by my friends right now. My best friend is totally absent right now, and when I see her she offers me alcohol which I totally can't have, or tries to feed me carbs. My other friends are complimentary but I feel they just don't understand how totally hard this is. How many days and months I've worked out, what I keep myself from eating on a daily basis, the tracking, the planning - it's a second job and somehow an "Oh you look great" is kind of hollow. Plus I am trying not to be too self-congratulatory. Losing 40 pounds is a lot and definitely a success, but to be 5'4" and 178 pounds is not healthy and in my opinion for myself it's not attractive. I hate to be wearing size 12 jeans, even though I'm down from a 16. I am not satisfied with how my body looks or feels. And it's going to take months and months for me to get where that will change, and that's IF, if I don't screw it up, which I have been known to do. I have been on so many diets before in my life, and I have lost so much weight, only to get worn out and tired before I reach my goals, to say "Hell with it!" and stop exercising and start eating badly again. How many times have I gained the weight back? How many times have I told myself "This is the last time?" I have spent the last 20 years struggling with all of this and it's not getting any easier.
Diet Calendar Entries for 20 May 2012:
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1281 kcal
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Fat: 75.47g | Prot: 68.74g | Carb: 90.81g.
Breakfast: egg, wheat bread, romaine lettuce, Smuckers sugar free concord grape jelly, blue cheese salad dressing, sausage links. Dinner: chicken breast, baby carrots, Kraft Light Raspberry Vinaigrette salad dressing, romaine lettuce, eggs. Snacks/Other: Russell Stover Sugar Free Toffee Squares, red delicious apple, Atkins Endulge Nutty Fudge Brownie. more...
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2764 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Sitting - 4 hours, Desk Work - 4 hours, Housework - 2 hours, Shopping - 1 hour, Driving - 2 hours and 30 minutes, Resting - 2 hours and 30 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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 Comments
No it doesnt get easier. But it is a process. Try to remain in the positive and surround yourself with positive people. It WILL get better if you keep working at it!!!
20 May 12 by member: JazzyOwl
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