Klynn82's Journal, 23 January 2018

Fears:

What if I fail?

What if I dont lose any weight and am just fat Kaaryn the rest of my life?

What If I die young like my dad did?

What if this is all a waste of my time, because I fail every time I try to lose weight?

I am so scared all the time, scared that I will let people down, that I will mess up and eat too much or cave in to the cravings and have a Dr. Pepper. I can see the weight loss, my clothes fitting more loosely, my face is slightly slimmer, but in my head its all just lies. I cannot get past the "you cannot do this" mentality. Even though I am going on a month of Keto and seeing results, my head tells me different. Even looking at the food diary and seeing the calorie reduction in what I eat. I am seeing the numbers and seeing the change but I cannot get my head to match my eyes...I always feel like a failure. I feel like the fat girl that will never change.

I pray all the time for God to help me not have the negative thoughts, to help me accept life as it comes and live day to day, but there times that I feel like I cant. Im sorry to dump this all here, but I really have no other place. You all have been so supportive and helpful, I just need a kick in the butt I guess. Im just being a little crazy today I guess.

Anyway, thanks for reading this. Have a great day!!!

Diet Calendar Entries for 23 January 2018:
1378 kcal Fat: 97.74g | Prot: 124.03g | Carb: 7.09g.   Breakfast: Frigo Cheese Heads Original String Cheese. Lunch: Burger King Hamburger Patty, Bacon, Wendy's 1/4 lb Hamburger Patty. Dinner: Roasted Broiled or Baked Chicken Breast, American Value Green Beans (Canned). Snacks/Other: Vlasic Original Dill Wholes, Jack Link's Original Beef Steak. more...
5441 kcal Activities & Exercise: Desk Work - 8 hours, Resting - 8 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...

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Comments 
It sounds like you know everything you need to do, you just need to start believing in yourself. Every time a negative thought come onto you head, stop what you're doing and say to yourself "YOU"RE WRONG!!! I CAN DO THIS!!" Changes will come, you just have to trust you! Good luck. 
23 Jan 18 by member: mickfan1
Thanks, @Mickfan1, I just went into the restroom at work and looked in the mirror and noticed that the shirt I am wearing looks like a deflated balloon the way its hanging on my body. It shows that I have lost weight, and I am doing the best I can. I just need to remember to be kind to myself, reassure myself. Thats why I love it here, everyone is so kind and supportive, it makes me feel like I can do this! I could never do it alone, but here, I feel like I have so many people rooting for me, that I can do it. Thanks!!  
23 Jan 18 by member: Klynn82
I used to LOVE Dr.Pepper ❤️ omg!! I would fat shame the hell out of myself to the point of wanting to die. I would turn to food for comfort to sooth my depression that I was fat then cry because I couldn't stop eating. It was a very vicious cycle that finally ended when a lady asked me what I would say to a friend if she was struggling to love herself and give her self credit for losing weight... I told her I would respond compassionately, and be very understanding and encouraging letting her know that I am there for her whenever she needs me. Then she told me that I have to pretend that friend is me and do the same to myself as I would a friend. I cried. I would never fat shame a friend... why was I fat shaming myself? I no longer fat shame myself or beat myself up with negative talk and my relationship with myself and my body has changed drastically.  
23 Jan 18 by member: KayseaLove
You are doing a great job!! Keep it up. I am grateful we are friends and we get to transform together on this journey =)  
23 Jan 18 by member: KayseaLove
I've heard that also (what KaysealLove wrote) You are with You and You are Your BF. I also would not shame my BF and sometimes it is difficult to be kind to ME, but I do love ME so it is better to be kind :-). I know, 'easier said than done' I still do things (just got off a binge throughout the holidays/on/off/on/off) and I know what I 'need' to do but sometimes feel, "oh whats the use", but then once in awhile I get the 'spark' that helps me get back into the groove, for ME! and that is when I try to talk to myself alot and very kindly. Yep I talk out loud to ME! and it does help. Hugs to you :-) 
23 Jan 18 by member: JMA312
All of us here; all of us, got fat due to uncontrollable self-defeating behavior. Bad feelings turning into bad eating cycles. For me gaining weight and depression are the same thing. And it's a chemical thing. You can't have happy thoughts and overcome hunger just by wishing it. Keto has helped me break that cycle. Honestly, I think carbs make me have negative, hopeless thoughts. The cravings and hunger are the outer manifestation and the dark thoughts are the inner --- same bad mojo. Anyway stick with keto and your cravings will diminish and your attitude will brighten. You'll feel more empowered and in control. Also, for me gluten is the worst offender. It drags me down the rabbit hole. Avoid sugar and gluten - they are poisons for the mind. and diet killers. We've all been where you are. It's a struggle, but a winnable one! Courage! 
23 Jan 18 by member: erikahollister
Be kind to yourself, if you make one mistake, don't quit, just keep trying. The biggest freedom and gift you can give to yourself is not caring what everyone thinks. You are NOT doing this for anyone else, just for YOU. It's a gift to yourself. You aren't letting anyone down. Hope you find yourself well and remember to hug yourself and give yourself some love! Best to you! 
23 Jan 18 by member: staceyd1
I’ve given up so many times and every time I think “where would I be if I hadn’t given up?” Time passes whether we follow through with our goals or not. I keep trying to remind myself that next year I don’t want to still be where I am...I can be so much healthier and happier. We can both do this if we keep going and don’t quit! Hugs to you🙂 
23 Jan 18 by member: momma6224
Everyone of us has given up before. That's why all of us are here now. We want to know what it's like to win and not give up on ourselves. You'll find the strength to do this for you. Not anyone else. This is for you. It took me 20 years to finally set my mind right. It took having a tumor removed from my breast to do it. I have a 15 year old son I want to harass for many years to come. Think positive even when times get rough. You'll find a way. Best of luck. We're here for you. 
23 Jan 18 by member: Proudmomma412
Those of us who've struggled with our weight most of our lives have given up, fallen down, said 'screw this! it's a waste of time! ' at one point or another. You are not alone. The only thing you need to remember, is that it's easy to quit, but much harder to try again. If you keep getting up and trying again, it only proves how strong you are. 'Do not judge me by my successes, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.' ~ Nelson Mandela  
24 Jan 18 by member: Phoenix84
I am an expert at beating myself up... at second-guessing myself... and at quitting. Our past does NOT determine our future. Find someone local who can speak positivity into your life - sounds to me that you (like myself, growing up) had PLENTY of folks demeaning and negative, who had full access to our ears over the years. You, like myself, have to DE-PROGRAM that crap out of our skulls so we can live the positive "WHAT IFs" that WE want to ponder. We're here WITH you, okay? 
24 Jan 18 by member: From371to184
Don’t give up. It’s a change of mindset and determination. It’s also a lifestyle change which can be the hardest thing. Don’t worry about what other people think or say. When I have cravings and I don’t give in I keep telling myself that’s a pound I just lost. Coming from a family of mostly over weight people I wanna live longer and feel better. It’s easy to stop but you have to keep going!! Good luck on your journey 
24 Jan 18 by member: bucknutz11

     
 

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