johnelka's Journal, 09 May 2012

I feel awesome!!!!! Had THE BEST workout last night. It's been a while since I have purged like that. I think every ounce of sweat I had in my body must have come out and it was incredible.

This morning I am so encouraged to stay on the course... it's working, I'm back! I was feeling so horrible about falling off last month. I mean I was literally having nightmares about going back to my old ways. SCARY!!!

**True story, a couple weeks ago, I had a dream that I went to McDonald's and binged on 3 double cheeseburgers, 2 large fries, a 20 peice nugget and a large vanilla milkshake!! OMG!!! I woke up in full fledged panic mode! It seemed so real and when I realized it was only a dream, I was so relieved that I just bursted into tears!**

Yes, it is that serious for me... believe it or not, that is how I used to eat on a daily basis. I would eat in secret, too ashamed to let anyone witness the way I would abuse food. No one really knows how bad things were for me only 9 months ago, how much I hated myself for not being able to control my weight. I can admit now that I am a recovering food addict... I was consuming over 7000 calories a day, sometimes more. I never felt hunger, only this insatiable urge to eat ALL THE TIME!!! I would eat myself sick some days, really. And all the while, I was disgusted with myself, completely disgusted. It was a vicious circle of binging and self loathing. Every part of my body hurt... Most days, my feet and ankles would be so swollen that my only option for footware was an awful pair of slip ons. I used to love heels but hadn't even thought about wearing a pair in over 2 years. I'm pretty sure my ankles would have snapped immediately. I mean for goodness sake, I could not even wear tennis shoes! My feet hurt constantly and I can remember not being able to take 5 steps without experiencing the most excruciating lower back pain ever. I can remember going places with friends last summer and although it was warm, I would be the only one sweating profusely. I mean just dripping with sweat anytime I had to walk or do any type of activity other than sitting still. It was completely mortifying. So many bad memories...

I don't ever want to go back to feeling that way. NEVER EVER AGAIN!! That is my motivation today. I know that over the last 9 months I have added a good 30 years to my life expectancy. I am no longer worried about diabetes, hypertension, sleep apnea, knee replacement surgery. These were all things threatening my quality of life at that time but not anymore.

THANK YOU JESUS! I just feel so incredibly fortunate to have had the opportunity to change my life. I am still a work in progress, and everyday is a victory for me. I know I still have a way to go mentally but physically, I am almost there and it is really amazing to me.

I may always struggle with my addiction to food but over this last 9 months I have learned that my desire to live and be healthy and most of all BE HAPPY, is so much stronger than that urge to binge. I CAN do this. I AM doing this!

Geesh! And there go the water works... I'm sitting at my desk in tears now... I am grateful.





214.2 lb Lost so far: 99.6 lb.    Still to go: 49.2 lb.    Diet followed 100%.
on diet johnelka's own diet  

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