dclemens's Journal, 29 April 2012

A lot has happened over the past few weeks. I was really sick. Probably the sickest I have been in years. As a result I was totally out of whack for a few weeks. I got to an all time low (253) because of not feeling like eating. Imagine being that sick! I really shouldn't have entered that weight because it wasn't a "real" weight. I did, though, and I do feel like I've gained more than I really did during my hiatus from healthiness.

As I was starting to feel better, I started to eat again and I just wanted comfort food. I think that I may have experienced something like an addict might experience. Just a taste of sugar, fast food, crazy carbs sent me reeling. I just wanted more and more. As a result, I not only went back to my pre-sickness weight (255) but gained 3 more pounds. Also, since I couldn't breathe for several weeks I stopped going to the gym. Since I've started the breathing process again, I've only been to the gym 4 times in 2 weeks.

So, what have we learned class? Well, I've learned that I probably have some sort of food addiction or at least chemical addiction to the stuff that is in "bad" food. I seriously couldn't stop eating and got to the point just short of bingeing. I used to binge and I haven't done it in months and months. It's kind of crazy how quickly it came back. The good thing this time is that I was able to stop myself. I take that as MAJOR progress.

The other thing that I learned is that routine is paramount to my success in eating right and getting to the gym. I can't deviate too far from my routine for too long because it's really hard for me to get back. I seriously had to push myself to go to the gym those 4 times. I'm going to go again this morning and I REALLY don't want to. It's getting better, and I'm going to go but it had gotten to the point where it wasn't a big deal for me to get to the gym prior to being sick.

The last thing I learned is that even though I had a fitness melt-down I didn't really gain too much. Realistically I only gained 3 pounds, not 5 pounds. That's pretty amazing given the fact that I really eat a lot and stopped exercising for several weeks. My body fat percentage did really spike, though. My Gold's challenge ended and I had my final weigh in and my body fat had really increased whereas my weight in pounds didn't change as much.

That's a whole other thing that is upsetting to me. My Gold's Challenge, my challenge with my husband, and my work's Biggest Loser all ended during my down time. I really wanted to finish stronger. A lot stronger. I did win my challenge with my husband (I love you iPad!) and I did lose 20 pounds at work. I think that the bigger thing is that I see that I still need to lose 80+ pounds and I just want it gone or at least going and I hate that anything kept me from my goal and that it was so hard for me to get going again. Even counting calories has been a chore.

Somehow I have to remember that this is going to be a long process and that there will be ups and downs. At minimum I figure this is going to take me about a year total to get to my goal. It would be so awesome if this were an easy process where results were instantaneous but that's not how the world works. I need to accept my faults as well as my strengths because otherwise I freeze and just get down on myself and get no where.

One last thought I had this morning...After I get going again, and my weight loss becomes more regular again, I'm never going to be 255 again. I realized that even with my setback this time, I didn't get out of the 250's. So thus, hopefully, if I have a setback in the 220's or something, it won't mean going significantly backwards if I don't let myself. I can do this!!!
256.2 lb Lost so far: 15.4 lb.    Still to go: 86.2 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.
on diet dclemens's own diet   gaining 1.2 lb a week



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