Ms Elizabeth's Journal, 02 August 2017

I'm not positive but I'm pretty sure I'm gaining weight. I refuse to let the scale tell me I'm gaining weight so it's just a guess based on my pants latest attempt to strangle me to death. I'm kind of surprised a button didn't fly off and kill someone yesterday. I survived. My coworkers survived.. the nice kid at the ice cream stand survived.

Today is a better day. So far today I haven't slipped or cheated or worked out. Working 60 hours a week is making a workout next to impossible to fit in so instead I am trying to concentrate on getting my food on track. I can do an amazing job keeping my food on track. That is.. until I go home. The second I go home I find myself grinding my teeth, dreading any interaction with my husband, and well.. I'm usually exhausted and my give a crap is broken because of the hours I'm working and the stress I'm under both at work and ending a relationship.

Take Monday night for instance.. he wanted to talk. We've talked. We've talked about a dozen times. He drove me down into a freshly cut hay field where I'm silently thinking "yup.. kill me here, drag my body into the swamp, tell the officers I ran off with some guy" my next thought was.. "if he cared why is he driving me out into the middle of a field with rag weed that he has to know I'm allergic to by now that is going to mess with my sinuses all week?" Well we talked.. in the middle of rag weed. He asked why I married him, why I was leaving him, and then proceeded to tell me he was going to not care what anyone thought anymore and only think of himself and make himself happy. If I stuck around then great. Um... the marriage is ending because I got tired of being the ONLY one that did anything and no one giving a flying duck about me or my feelings or my needs or thinking of me as more than a cook/farmhand/cleaning lady/laundry minion. So I'm still confused. What part of that is different?? What part of that was supposed to make me jump up and down in joy and say Oh yes!! Please let me stay! All it did was make me shake my head and silently think "yup.. making the right choice." If he can make that comment after I just said and I quote because I've said it enough times that I can quote it.. "I stopped feeling like I was your wife. I became your farmhand, your cook, your housekeeper, and the mother to your children but you stopped treating me like I was important to you and I stopped feeling like you even cared about me." I mean seriously? Seriously? I communicate for a living. I like to think I can get a message across to pretty much anyone. Maybe I should rethink my successful career of 15 years because obviously I've either failed or ... I'm at a loss. I have no freakin clue. Just typing this I find myself grinding my teeth. After our um.. well I guess it was a talk. People talked even if no one communicated. I ate.. a lot. I ate again the next night when I saw him and he acted as if nothing was wrong. I ate again when he got his new cell phone, hooked it up wrong, and expected me to fix it. And then just for the heck of it. I got ice cream with sprinkles because sprinkles are well... sprinkly.

Now I'm determined not to let this man completely ruin me. I will take his advice and do things to make myself happy and not think of anyone else. I will not eat sprinkles. I will eat in line with how active I am. I will eat good healthy foods so I'm good and healthy. I will look towards the future and not the past.. I will set up a DairyFarmersWife challenge in the near future so I'm forced to be accountable with an audience and include things like aggressive breathing meditations, Benadryl fueled workouts because of talks.. in the middle of ragweed, and.. avoiding sprinkles.. not cursing about sprinkles in front of the Amish.. and not cursing out the giant donuts that the Amish make that are as big as your face and fried in lard and make you feel like you've died and gone to heaven.