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Hello All,
Well, I've had several wonderful eagle eye friends who noticed my 'online light' was illuminated and messaged me with a welcome back. So cool. It's nice to have people remember me, some even fondly, lol.
You are viewing this because I've been asked to reopen my journals for my buddies to view. Okay, Toyota you got it. However, I will share (warn) right here and now, I'm fully aware that my journal doesn't include much about WOE or All things Food just yet. So it will likely not be as physical health and weight loss conscious as expected for a Fat Secret community member. For a while, anyway.
My two year absence? Extreme depression. Some because of regaining all of the weight I'd lost especially thinking I'd finally healed my eating disorder. Wrong, oh so wrong. Big mistake. Huge.
Some due to breaking up with Harley and realizing I'd never fully processed my grief for Cutty's passing. And general things in life where I felt stuck, lost, and knee deep in sloth.
I'd returned to FS in sleuth mode (or so I thought) trying to find my recorded food from back in the day ... specifically a dish I used to enjoy for breakfast but cannot locate; I suppose those are deleted after a while. My old journals were still here and rereading the last month or so of recordings I noticed a great deal of redundancy day after day. Overeat, forgive, rationalize, move on. What else was there to do? Not much.
As pointed out to me - just returning here is in and of itself an indication that I"m leaning toward trying to regain a healthy WOE and WOL (way of life, haha) subconsciously at the very least. Maybe. Doesn't sound that far fetched.
Many things for me work their way out despite my worst intentions so I'm going to let it just happen as it happens (haha).
For example, a friend turned me onto 'Hello Fresh' (the fresh food delivery system) and I truly approached it not so much from 'oh, cool, fresh healthy food to replace microwave, nuked, takeout food and gee think about all the weight I'll lose' but rather from the 'are you kidding me? I'll never have to set foot in a supermarket again!!'
So being the obsessive compulsive I am (give me a fish and within a week my house looks like Sea World) I looked online and enrolled in several other systems (Blue Apron, Sun Basket and Home Chef) and then I immediately had to start pausing and skipping delivery weeks when I realized the quantity of meals I'd have to be cooking and freezing ... duh.. it was supposed to be fresh. I do love it so and get a box a week - gives me six meals and I'm cooking with things I'd never even considered before. Plus while it's not specifically designed for weight loss that's going to hopefully be a positive bi-product of it with the portion control and fresh veggies.
So that's new. Walking a little more than before but haven't climbed on the treadmill yet. Finally working with my plants and back yard again - totally ignored them last year ... Mother Nature decided to forgive me and gave me a few of the perennials for motivation.
And I've returned to painting but not so much photography yet. And on the heels of my first 2017 journal - the buyer did come back and get the painting so that was just ...pretty darn cool. I completely unintentionally sold a painting. I are an Artist. Ha.
I discovered this weekend what I thought was early onset night blindness was just my contact lenses prescription had gone to crap. After relinquishing the steering wheel to Blondie after making my third wrong turn this weekend, all at the speed of smell because of my hesitation of where I was going ... I pulled out my contacts to rinse them, dropped one, tossed the other and went 'Viola... I can see, I can see!' Duh. Stupid is as stupid does.
So last night I decided to drive, after dark, (seriously, this has been a big limiting devastation for me) and my driving angels were working over time. I'd been behind some slow poking driver for about 10 miles and once I had a chance to pass I took it! To the tune of 15 mph over the speed limit. With a TDPS officer right behind me (apparently rear psychic vision isn't completely 20/20) but my driving angel helped me talk him out of writing me a ticket for speeding. Thank you angel.
I'm looking forward to an upcoming trip to New Orleans - first time since Katrina. Despite the depression I have been traveling a lot this past year ... trying to get out of my house, out of my head and out of this funk. Things had gotten really bad around here - closet piled up beyond entry, load after load of laundry just piled up ... total mess for my OCD personality so I just tried to go elsewhere ... where the mess 'wasn't'. But with the help of an antidepressant I began taking a couple of months ago, Fetzema, combined with hormones, I regained the ambition to get the pigsty of my home reorganized.
I went thru a few days of 'geez, why is it for me to feel like my old self it requires chemical maintenance?... why can't i be this way naturally' and then I just said 'hey, when the lord sends me help, I'm going to accept it, pray gratitude, and move on. No more questions.
Other 'what abouts' some of my buddies may be wondering... yes, I still have Mushy face. She'll be 9 in July and remains my velcro baby. Blondie and her family still live next door, except for my oldest grandson (19 going on 40) who has moved in with his girlfriend over in Irving.
I have no 'love' interest ... and oddly, the only time I ever even care about that right now is when I'm out in public and see some couple holding hands or other PDA's or just having dinner together. I will confess with some embarrassment I've had to reconcile that in my mind with 'they're probably having an affair' to stop lonely tears slipping into my coffee. Someday I'll reach a point of admiring them rather than regretfully envying but not today. Ah, something to live for.
So, that's the highlights and low lights. Aside from the 'warning, this isn't the healthiest journal in the world' comment above I'll also prepare you that I may or may not read and reply to every one else's journals. I'll ask for your understanding and forgiveness up front and if it creates resentment please know I understand if you don't read or comment on mine. That was one reason I had left it closed off. Nonetheless, I have stopped trying to predict the future and just manage myself a day at a time.
Thanks for stopping by.
Bells
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