notelaine's Journal, 22 June 2016

Great trend line Elaine... :) 

You are so on the money.  

I completely agree with what you are saying, Notelaine. I think what the trainer is saying is that you can't be complacent about your appearance or you won't have any incentive to change your bad habits, but he probably could have found a much better way of phrasing it. And yes, desiring to improve overall health is certainly a valid objective, and just as important as improving appearance, although the two frequently go together. I think you just have to consider that many people are not very good at putting thoughts into words, so don't let it get to you too much. You might even mention to him your reaction to his memo and offer to help him edit future ones before he sends them out! By the way, good job on the loss!! 

Panda, I had such a visceral reaction to what he said that I wanted to tell Notelaine to take her money elsewhere and let him know why. I suppressed that urge. Kind of 😶 

word 

way to go on the drop..keep the focus 

Different things motivate different types of people. Some people need a drill instructor in their face to train them and others just need a a guide. You can love your progress and not hate yourself. There's no need to hate yourself along your journey just because you haven't reached your goal yet - that thought process would not work well with me either. Progress is progress no matter if it comes fast or takes time. 

I didn't realize how fat I was till I took some pictures.... but the trainer promoting this isn't right..he should have asked you to pick a picture of someone who matches your fitness goal to see where your mind is at and make sure you are planning healthy choices .. in my opinion  

I understand what you are saying, but I think he was trying to be proactive for the clients who aren't as proactive and enlightened as you already are. He was quite possibly drawing on the collective experiences of prior clients who have been successful and combining the tips that have worked for them. How many times has it been said here that it's with diet and not so much with exercise that people lose weight? Your trainer is quite possibly frustrated with an endless roster of clients who come in wanting to look slim and buff but aren't willing to make the changes they need to make outside of their limited time with him in their training sessions. It's very easy for people to default to the status quo, and it's hard to make the kinds of changes that need to be made if we're going to lose significant amounts of weight. We see that here every day. If we surveyed the people who are effectively losing weight, we probably would find that the "successful losers" had gotten disturbed enough to make and persist with the necessary changes. For many I've seen here, it took bad medical news or dire medical warnings to disturb them enough to make their changes. Others of us had to become disturbed enough with our bodies and how they hold/held us back in our lives/psyches to make our changes. Your trainer was trying to raise the floor and get some of his clients to that point in terms of motivation without them having to actually get to a state of abject personal misery first. He was possibly trying not to pick on individuals by making it a group message. The fact is that, even though we here are working hard to lose our weight, this has become a culture in which people more or less accept their excess weight--just look around. Our society has become seriously, chronically overweight. I was shocked to learn what a low percentile I'm now at in terms of weight for my age and gender. I still have weight to lose, yet I'm already down to the 22nd percentile. How can that be? Seventy-eight percent of women my age are more overweight than I am? That's astonishing. As a society, we have let ourselves go big time. Your trainer is trying to fight that overwhelming trend, one client at a time. Not an easy battle. You're doing great--you're a superstar! Maybe his other clients aren't like you and need a push you don't need.  

Go out and buy a swimsuit that's too small? Puh-Leeze! 

I was thinking that he meant the next size to fit into or a realistic goal size. People on this site have written about having a skirt, dress, or pair of pants that they want to get into that they use as inspiration, either by hanging it on the room side of the closet door or by trying it on periodically. Obviously, if you already have the smaller clothes, you don't need to buy any. Many people have used fitting into a smaller outfit as an effective motivator. I think that's what he was going for. 

Being aware and disturbed does not necessarily translate into hating ourselves. I think, as you are aware, that your own shame response was triggered. I think we have to face our demons, make friends with our reality in order to change it. This includes our body. Seeing 'ugly" and "fat" does not mean being aware, it means not accepting ourselves in the moment. "Seeing" our bodies in all its imperfection can tweak many self-messages that are destructive and untrue. I have found that it is important that we own what is going on in our own heads and be cautious not to blame the world around us for "causing" it. Being disturbed is what can motivate most people to change...if my body hurts sitting in one position I have to shift and adjust to one that is more comfortable. If I am hot in the sun, I need to seek shade. If we attempt to view more sensitive shame topics about ourselves in this more emotions neutral framing we don't have such intense reactions to it. Perhaps your trainer would benefit from information on body shame to be able to be sensitive to reactivity from clients who are shame based. Maybe you could discuss with him? I see you are very skilled with self-reflection and with being able to communicate. Take care of you.... 

My wife has a pair of size 14 Levi's that I can fit into, they're too short, but they fit and button, kinda snug, but they fit. lol 

Thank you for the great feedback everyone! And all I know is that if I went out and bought a size 4 swimsuit, I'd look like a sausage about to burst (if I could even get it on for that matter!). For me, such far out goals lead to giving up, simply because they seem so unattainable. I much prefer to focus on what being healthier has and will give me. Lifting seemingly impossibly heavy things, running three miles for the first time, and starting to see my own muscles has been far more rewarding and motivating. 

JJohnso, I believe you hit the nail on the head. 

Reading notelaine's post right there, she has a third view. My take is she is not shame based, kpw not shame based, LadyinDenim shame based 😧 

Be "disturbed" with that email and show him/her that loving yourself enough to treat your body well with good food and exercise is a better way to go. 

Notelaine, I TOTALLY agree with you. I find his email strange and lacking good choice of words. Seems he is telling you to focus on a clothing size vs. you just focusing on being fit and healthy. For example, just because a woman is a size 6 doesn't mean she is healthy and every woman isn't meant to be a size 6. I think obssessing or focusing alone on getting to a certain dress size, etc. shouldn't be encouraged by a trainer. Why should one be "disturbed" with his/her body to make changes? Fat or thin no one should be in self-loathing mode. These kinds of words shouldn't be used and nor do they sound motivating. Is he normally talking this rhetoric? 

I don't think anyone responds to unnecessary harshness. It might motivate some people but there will always be some resentment attached to it. We all deserve to be treated and spoken to in a harmless way. On the flip side, sometimes some less than soft words can provoke a needed thought process that otherwise might never occur, it's the balance that's important. Neither unnecessary negativity nor unjustified positive; realistic is what I strive for.  

Gross! Sending a gift to your trainer now.... *junk punch*