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Been bad about journaling daily lately. Burned out and busy and time is some days non existent. I do manage to log stuff but some days that is all I do and I feel the need to take the time to journal because when I am lax when I am busy I become lax when I am not that starts to extend into everything. It is also the time of year that my depression seems to worsen. Why I need the workouts just to make myself do something whether in the gym or doing a biggest loser video or walking with Leslie Sansone.
In 1997, the Wednesday before Thanksgiving I lost my Grandma Granger, Mom's Mom, and my favorite Grandparent. She could be harsh at times because she told you the truth as she saw it like it or not. But her brutal honesty helped cut through the confusion during my teenage years. My mother was a fixer and always tried to make thing better but I always knew that Grandma would cut through all the fluff and tell it like it was. I miss her and was always so grateful for that level of honesty some days now I wish she was still here to give it.
January 1999 I found out I was pregnant and Lost My step Grandad Berry to Cancer on the same day. An Angel left the earth so he could watch over her (DD) from heaven.
Christmas Eve 2002, 8 mos pregnant with baby #2, my son, I went into the emergency room and was admitted after a placental abruption and I lost alot of fluid and blood and nearly lost the baby. Spent the holiday hospitalised, but they managed to stabilize him and me and he stayed in to cook until he was born the day after Valentine's day 2003. I hemorrhaged again. But we ended up fine. DId I mention we have serious snowstorms during each event? OMG! My mother drove 7 hours for a normal 3 or so hour drive to get to DD who stayed with a neighbor while I was in Labor.
Thanksgiving 2007 I separated from my first husband moving out of the house over that weekend. Taking the kids away from him since gambling and another woman were so much more interesting than we were. Bittersweet and a real reality slap. A week later I met my current husband. Talk about a rollercoaster ride of emotions.
Halloween of 2010 we went to my father's emergency gallbladder surgery and the discovery of his liver cancer already stage 4 and we learned very aggressive. He was pitched from Dr to dr but no one communicated with the original dr and he never received actual treatment just no this cannot happen and no I cannot do this procedure.
December 2010, Dad was declining rapidly because the cancer had metastasized into his lungs and brain. He loved lottery scratch offs but could not understand them when I gave them to him as a gift.... what do you give a dying man besides your love? But it made me really terribly heartbroken to see him that way. We had visited every weekend since the diagnosis. Then work got busy after the holidays and I was in the midst of a huge project and some days I was not even going home. Then I got the call at work Jan 13th, 9 am that he had parted with his mortal body that no longer could sustain his spirit. I missed the prior weekend because of work. I had not helped my mother with him as I should have because I let work get in the way. So I took my bereavement time plus 10 days vacation and stayed with my mother to ease her through the grieving process... Hell, gonna be honest with myself, I was really being selfish. I needed my mom as much as she needed me.
So this time of year is hard for me. I know it is hard for loads of others. It is time to give thanks for what we have and what we've had and time to be thinking of others and not ourselves when in some ways that is the hardest thing to also need to be a little selfish in a time of year when expectations are the opposite. Things do not matter they can be replaced but it is the people that we love, have loved and lost that matter.
I appologize but perhaps this cathartic remembrance of the hard times and cry I have been having is off topic, but truly it is things like this that affect my want to binge eat potato chips and all those goodies and other carbage that will pass my way. This is to remind me that my selfish thing is not only to feel this way but to be a little selfish and control my indulgences and be mindful of my own well-being during this *festive* and sometimes depressive time of year.
Now to offset this depressive post I have a little humor to add that a friend of mine posted on FB.
Twas The Night Of Thanksgiving
Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep,
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned - the dark meat and white,
But I fought off the temptation with all of my might.
I tossed and I turned with sweet anticipation,
As the thought of a snack became infatuation.
So I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
And gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
'Til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees...
Happy eating to all! Pass the cranberries, please!
May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes & gravy have nary a lump,
May your yams be delicious, may your pies take the prize,
May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs.
~Author Unknown
Diet Calendar Entries for 25 November 2015:
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1127 kcal
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Fat: 64.50g | Prot: 80.55g | Carb: 57.11g.
Breakfast: Tap Water, Atkins Mocha Latte Shake, Great Value Half & Half, Coffee (Brewed From Grounds). Lunch: Tap Water, Great Value Half & Half, Coffee, Laughing Cow Mini Babybel Light Cheese, Cucumber (with Peel). Dinner: shrimp kelp noodle stirfry. Snacks/Other: Whipped Heavy Cream (Unsweetened), Keto Pumpkin Cheesecake. more...
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3254 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Driving - 20 minutes, Shopping - 30 minutes, Cooking - 1 hour, Watching TV/Computer - 5 hours, Stretching (yoga) - 15 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours, Resting - 6 hours and 55 minutes, Fitness Training (Workout) - 40 minutes, Reading - 1 hour, Showering - 20 minutes. more...
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