Pterath's Journal, 04 July 2015

I rewrote my bio a few days ago adding more of what I have learned over the years I was doing to suppress the old feelings and using food to do it and to hide within my shelter of fat because it is safe there. It has taken me a long time to find redeeming qualities within myself to make this journey up the mountain worth it. Many of my relationships had became abusive. I had to hit rock bottom hard (divorce), then start healing before I could even take this journey seriously. Several times I have started down this path. Even now I struggle. That mountain has shoved a few difficult precipices in front of me. I hit the 30 lb loss and part of my brain that tells me that is great and that little other bit says I am creeping out of the safety and I should hide. I talk a lot about my house and stuff because that is easy. The good is always easy. Opening up like this is hard. My BFF says I am a conundrum one part of me is an extrovert and very motivated and the other part is introverted and always trying to hide in plain site. I struggle with not only being who I really am and trying to show confidence and bravado really when I usually am not feeling it. Trying to have the right attitude is some days the best I can do. I have been through therapists and Drs. Meds only take some of the edge off. So, even if I do not say it in my posts this is a part of the daily struggle for me.

I should be happy that I am doing all the right things, but today all I feel is down. So, here I am admitting my biggest problem hoping that helps me shed some of the grief I feel for the lost weight. Kinda twisted, huh?

Repeat After me:

"I CAN DO THIS!"

Always remember...






Diet Calendar Entries for 04 July 2015:
1072 kcal Fat: 59.98g | Prot: 86.50g | Carb: 64.23g.   Breakfast: Benefiber Fiber Supplement, Water, Centrum Multivitamin/Multimineral Supplement, Member's Mark Omega 3 Fish Oil (1000 mg), Spring Valley Glucosamine Chondroitin, Atkins Mocha Latte Shake. Lunch: Gulden's Spicy Brown Mustard, Deli Turkey or Chicken Breast Meat, La Tortilla Factory Whole Wheat Low Carb High Fiber Tortillas, Pepper Jack Cheese. Dinner: Cream Cheese Spread, Cabot Vermont Style Cottage Cheese. Snacks/Other: Dry Roasted Almonds (with Salt Added), Atkins Meal Cinnamon Bun Bar. more...
4968 kcal Activities & Exercise: Hiking - 1 hour, Showering - 20 minutes, Reading - 3 hours, Sitting - 2 hours, Walking (moderate) - 3/mph - 1 hour and 15 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours, Resting - 10 minutes, Watching TV/Computer - 6 hours, Housework - 1 hour, Painting - 1 hour and 15 minutes. more...

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Comments 
So well said--you are not alone in this struggle--I have done the same thing to myself several times--lost it and retreated. Remember you ARE worth it. No one deserves to be abused, not by others or by our own feelings. It has taken me years to change my internal song--keep fighting the good fight- you are your own special soul. 
04 Jul 15 by member: deetermined
Thanks for sharing.. your courage and honest self assessment help you AND. all of us!!! Will write more later today!!! Keep Climbing Buddy !!!!!! You are doing GREAT !!!! 
04 Jul 15 by member: SuccessThisTime58
Hey buddy .... You are not alone. Your words have allowed me to reflect upon some of my own baggage. We are stronger walking this journey together knowing that others are cheering us on. Have a great weekend! 
04 Jul 15 by member: glen
I understand, part of that is the abuse. I've been there also and it's an ongoing battle though now I feel like I'm closer to winning. I also understand about the house as having your home re-done so you are proud and happy with it is part of feeling good about yourself. It is also such a good feeling that you can do some of the work yourself which makes it all the more personal.  
04 Jul 15 by member: wholefoodnut
Love the quotes! Thanks for sharing! 
04 Jul 15 by member: Sugar Waffle
I, too, can relate to your story. I doubt that there are many who aren't carrying baggage with them on this journey. I, like others, have hidden emotions and fears from others most of our lives. Telling your story is one step in the healing process. Your story doesn't define who you are. It tells us briefly some of your life experience. Easier said than done, throw it away. Write it out on paper and then burn it. It is past history and is not you today. You are a strong, independent woman who is moving forward to her own drumbeat and I might add, successfully! You have many new friends here who love and support you!!!!  
04 Jul 15 by member: 2227Gwen
i totally understand what you are saying. My Mom is here for the weekend and that has led to eating what I didn't need/want to and panic attacks. You are not alone.  
04 Jul 15 by member: skwhite
You are a realist and doing so great mentally. And yes I am also relating to what you have said, seeing myself, losing and not losing afraid to be happy ( I am happy) but how will I feel if I fail. Not a good thought so I push on. Applying all I can what I thought I knew, what I've been told, what has been shared, Researching, TWeaking.... It's hard to say but but so many of us are putting ourselves out there were we havn't gone and its Scary thanks for sharing. You go girl.. SMILE it is a great feeling. God bless you and yours.  
04 Jul 15 by member: Roienell
To fight off the dulldrums I took a 3 mile hike today up in the mtns while hubby watched the kids at the pond swimming. and I forgot my camera! I saw a porcupine they are pretty cute.  
04 Jul 15 by member: Pterath
ok..kiddo what I hear from you is ......some how feelin' sorry for yourself... and from the house and visit with your mom...you should be flyin' high... so maybe this is a let down from mom.......now...I do not under stand the dulldrums.... my idea is to stay so busy you don't have time or energy for that mess..... 31 pounds is awesome do u realize how much that really is..........THAT MY DEAR IS 124 STICKS OF BUTTER... And that is huge...... and yes honey ......YOU DID IT ALL BY YOURSELF.....FOR YOU, AND THEN FOR YOUR FAMILY... and I see you stay busy as a bee.......and that is good... I stay so busy I don't have time to think bad things.. about me or anyone else.. I am thrilled for you... very happy you have come this far.. and I have no doubt you will go right on doing great.. now... when the bad/negitive thoughts start to crowd in...........stop,,, get a drink of WATER........... and talk to GOD about it........he really is the only one that can change things for us..........you better bet.. my Chemo and then stem cell transplant right behind it put me down for 3years...........I hated to go to the dr all the time. and was not ALLOWED TO GO ANYPLACE ELSE EITHER................ and be so weak I could hardly get in the shower by my self............But I kept up my low carb eating the whole time... and now I am cancer free and so glad I did not give in to foods I should not have... I had to pack my lunch everyday.....as I had to be there at 7am ...7 days a week for 6 months...and my dear friend Judy was with me 24/7 and I thank god for her everyday... so we do have blessings if we take the time to SEE THEM... I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS ..I FEEL IT ALL THE WAY DOWN HERE IN N. GEORGIA... SO hang in honey and hang on and PLAN the foods. that are for you and the others will eat them to after a while... but not if you give in to there way of doing stuff............ AND DRINK LOT'S OF WATER... and if the scales seem to stop..just keep on keepin' on and they will start in again... ole body has to catch up at times... sending huys 
04 Jul 15 by member: SJWNana
Thank you for sharing. I understand how it is so easy to post about the good stuff, but much harder to put your insecurities out for the world to see. You are doing well. Don't let those inner doubts derail what has gained such good progress for you. :) 
04 Jul 15 by member: izzypup68
skwhite, sorry about the panic attacks, they are awful. I almost drove off a cliff due to them years ago, the only thing that stopped me was thinking about my girls.  
04 Jul 15 by member: wholefoodnut
Wow, can I relate to your post! This is just a comment that I am making from my own experience - it may not apply to you so "take what you like and leave the rest." When our goal is to attain and sustain a healthy weight sometimes why we want to do that gets lost in the tons of crap we are surrounded by in society revolving around appearance. Sure we want to look nice, but losing weight when we don't have what I call a "meaningful why" can seem to be a superficial goal that doesn't sit well with the principles and values we use to navigate our way through life. So it might SEEM as if you need to continue to hide, when the reality is perhaps you are afraid of giving up who you really are in order to be "thin." I mean how meaningful is it REALLY to look good in jeans? How does looking good in jeans or wearing a smaller size make our world a better place? What REAL value does it have? So we can self sabotage in order to protect ourselves from becoming something "we are not." One way to get around this conundrum is to get in touch with YOUR meaningful why (which can change with time - one way to tell that it's lost its meaning is to start having issues sticking to behaviors that support attaining and sustaining healthy weight and fitness.) Here's how I come up with my meaningful why: Answer this question in 1 – 5 sentences: WHY do I want to lose weight? After you finish answering, read it over, and then ask yourself again, WHY is that important to me? – and answer in 1-5 sentences. Yup – you guessed it: do it (at least) one more time. Sounds silly, but it might look something like this: “I want to lose weight because I’m so tired all the time and can’t stand the way I look.” Then you ask yourself,”Why is that important to me?” And your answer might look something like this: “I hate not having the energy to do anything I enjoy. I can’t remember the last time I did anything fun with the kids. We went to Disneyland and I could barely make it to each ride. They begged me to ride with them, but all I wanted to do was collapse on the bench and wait for them. I know people don’t take me seriously at work, like being fat means I don’t have good ideas. I do. I’m smart. I have a lot to offer. But, who am I kidding? I’m so damn tired most of the time that I’m GLAD they don’t ask me to take on any special projects.” Then you ask yourself again, “Why is that important to me?” And maybe your final answer looks something like this: “My children are growing up so fast and I’ve missed so much already. I want to be the parent I know I am and the parent my children need me to be. I’m not satisfied in my job. I want to have the energy and confidence to reach my potential.” WHOA! Those last few sentences were a lot more meaningful to you that those first few. You feel a renewed sense of purpose and energy as you look forward to a more meaningful, fulfilled future instead of dreading “going on another diet” because your sick and tired of being overweight.  
04 Jul 15 by member: FitegicPlanner
You can do this! I can do this! thanks for sharing, buddy. I hope you can keep opening up and let the negative things in your life go. Hang In there. 
04 Jul 15 by member: LO-Carb Karen
I really relate to your post. I recently started attending OA meetings and that really helped me.  
04 Jul 15 by member: vmjohnson
I attended Overeater's Anonymous for years. It helped me realize I was not alone in my battle with food and bingeing. It is a wonderful program. :) 
04 Jul 15 by member: LO-Carb Karen
FS is as close to and OA meeting I will get as I am an hour + from any in my area. I like the support I am getting here and I can get it daily and still have time to do all things I want and need to do done. I have overcome alot of what I stated in my post already but that does not mean there are not hard days.... like yesterday and contemplating a bathing suit. 
05 Jul 15 by member: Pterath
There are online meetings too! Might be good complement to FS. I've been thinking about doing an online meeting too cause there is just one a week where I live.  
05 Jul 15 by member: vmjohnson

     
 

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