Panigale1199's Journal, 18 June 2015

Day 3 of the cleanse. Doing fine. Added in an extra meal/snack between lunch and dinner to hold me off.

But this is not what this journal entry is about. Its about my sister. For the last 7 years my family has been falling apart because my sister had a tragic incident happen to her which let her to heroin drug addiction. To try to keep this story short. My family have been though hell with trying to get her help but she keeps sinking. Fast forward to today, she has been in Florida for the past year going from rehab to rehab to halfway houses. My mother is the only one in the family that has been dealing with her. She has been going to meetings and learning more about young addicts and their families. My dad pretty much disowned my little sister.. and I had as well. I haven't spoke to her since Christmas and before that barely spoke to her. I rejected and felt hatred toward her lies, selfishness and how she was destroying the family with her addiction. Up until recently she has gotten my phone number and has texted me a few times to have my mother answer her calls. That was as far as our texting went until last night over to today. I had a dream two nights ago. Very random because nothing would of triggered it. I had a dream I was sitting next to my sister's body. She was dying. A doctor told me she was slowly dying from the heroin addiction and there was nothing I could do. In my dream she was barely speaking to me and barely moving. I just cried and cried. I woke up to texting to see if she were okay. She responded to me in her usual way calling me "ashie" she is still like a 13 year old in a 19 year old body. I just cried. not only did that trigger it. She basically told me she was dying. Her body was dying. Not only confirming my dream..my mother spoke to me on the phone telling me she will die because of the heroin addiction. My mom has been going to many meetings while I have been MIA dealing with my job and my life with my better half...little did I know the reality has set in for my mom that my sister will die and wont live a very long time. I had to walk out of work to sit in the stairwell and just cry. For a long time I thought I didn't care for her. Yet the dream gave me this reality.. My sister will not be alive very long. She cannot seem to grasp help. She is basically homeless right now. With barely anything. My parents already dumped so much money to try to help her. Because she is over 18 we cannot force her into any rehab program. She usually gives up, leaves or relapses and we start the circle all over again. I guess I don't have much a point to this email other than that to appreciate the people you love...and really love them. Because the hardest thing in the world is to realize sometimes you cannot help a loved one. No matter how much it kills you inside. I am sitting here trying to hold back tears at work yet failing. I don't mean to write such a depressing journal but this has been within me for many years and this is the very first time I am letting it out. I would of never spoke about my sister or show any type of emotion other than anger when it came to the subject of her. I used to be ashamed and embarrassed..now I don't care about that because I realize there are many people young and old facing the demons of drug addiction. And the worse part is the families of those addicts suffer just as much or more...and I am writing to let this off my chest a little..hopefully to help heal my heart in some way. But right now all I want to do is hug my sister even though I have no power to heal her....

Diet Calendar Entries for 18 June 2015:
1052 kcal Fat: 43.86g | Prot: 62.55g | Carb: 114.25g.   Breakfast: Y.S. Organic Bee Farms Organic Raw Honey, Green Tea, Isagenix IsaLean Shake - Strawberry Cream, Isagenix Ionix Supreme, Isagenix IsaLean Shake - Chocolate. Lunch: Isagenix IsaLean Shake - Chocolate, Granny Smith Apples, Earth Balance Natural Peanut Butter with Flaxseed. Snacks/Other: Isagenix Cleanse For Life Powder. more...
2261 kcal Activities & Exercise: FitBit Tracker - 24 hours. more...

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Comments 
Hey there - I just private messaged you. 
18 Jun 15 by member: HCB
Thanks Glen for the support. I have been praying. it is really tough and she is lost. Sorry for not thanking you sooner for the response it was well needed. I needed a night to be home and distress form all the build up. 
19 Jun 15 by member: Panigale1199
I pray that in the name of Jesus that your sister is healed. Hold on! God will make a way!! 
19 Jun 15 by member: Liv4god
You're a brave girl to write that here. I'd say I feel your pain but I know I can't tough it. Lover her. Answer her texts but don't get sucked into her needs. She's the only one who can change things. That's such a horrible situation. Remember that though your mom has come to accept the situation that your mom still loves her to the very core. I have a son who works with troubled teens in a Christian organization. He's in an isolated location where the teens can attempt to 'walk out' and then realize it's more work than it's worth. Of course they're juveniles so their families put them there for help. The teens sometimes wake him up at night to talk because of his wisdom. I'm proud of that boy. He's a better man than I on many levels. Hang in there Panigale. You do not know the future. 
19 Jun 15 by member: northernmusician
Oh so very sorry. I truly hope that things get better. 
19 Jun 15 by member: Rae_Dorton
Thank you all for the kind words. It is truly uplifting in such a situation. I know I have to come to accept what is and that she can only heal her. I hope she can one day recover and help teens and young adults that are going through the same thing she is going through now. She has to find her purpose. I just hope she one day stops thinking she is a waste of a life which she truly isn't. Thank you all again 
19 Jun 15 by member: Panigale1199

     
 

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