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Yuck. I've been consoling myself with food through the stress of school/clinicals and through some emotional issues I'm dealing with. Sometimes it seems like food is all I have, so why even bother. Don't I deserve some type of happiness? I know that's not how it really is, just explaining how it has felt lately. All done with the majority of clinicals until after the fourth of July, one day left and that's this Friday on the psych floor. Maybe I should take notes, I feel all sorts of crazy.
My little lady, as you may remember was recently diagnosed with thyroid problems and developing insulin resistance, had her one month follow up yesterday. We cut most of the simple sugars out of her diet and have been promoting more activity, and she's down four pounds. Not bad considering she hasn't counted a calorie or given up anything that she loves. Proud of her, very much so. She has been working hard, and I'm praying that in another two months when we do her labs her insulin levels will be improved. That's the ultimate goal.
I spent some time pondering yesterday, wondering why it's so important to me that she be healthy and take care of her body, while I (an adult who is very well aware of the risks) completely disregard mine. Obviously it comes down to a worth issue, as I have been dealing with self esteem. Maybe I intentionally sabotage myself... I feel like I'm taking a ride on the hot mess express.
Anywho, as of today I am putting myself back on a calorie restricted diet. Charging my fitbit as I type this journal. I had taken it off for a couple weeks, I guess because I like to rebel against... myself.
There are things in my life that I'm struggling with that are out of my control. It's stressful, it causes me anxiety, and most of all it hurts. I need to focus my efforts on what I can control. What I eat, and how I get my exercise are certainly mine to decide.
Restarting again for the 5,672 time.
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205.0 lb
Lost so far: 81.0 lb.
Still to go: 0 lb.
Diet followed poorly.
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Diet Calendar Entry for 27 May 2015:
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1207 kcal
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Fat: 58.44g | Prot: 87.58g | Carb: 90.77g.
Breakfast: Thomas' Light Multi-Grain English Muffin, Blue Diamond Almond Breeze Unsweetened Vanilla Milk, Extra Virgin Olive Oil, Egg, Coffee-Mate Original Powder Creamer. Lunch: Great Value Light Greek Nonfat Yogurt Vanilla, Nickles Light 35 Multigrain Bread, Trader Joe's Reduced Sodium Turkey Breast. Dinner: Great Value Sharp Cheddar Cheese, Tyson Foods Breaded Chicken Breast Patties. Snacks/Other: EAS Lean 15 Protein Powder - Chocolate Fudge. more...
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gaining 2.6 lb a week
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 Comments
It always astonishes me the number of people in the health industry who smoke. Of course, they're still free to give advice because they 'know'. Knowing isn't doing. If only it were.
27 May 15 by member: northernmusician
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Facing our personal struggles and seeing them head-on, we can have a better idea of where we need to go from where we're at. It's great your daughter is working hard to improve her health, I hope that continues. And it's great that you're deciding today is the day for a re-start. Keep looking ahead, try and focus on the positive things in your life and the good things you have and are doing. One day at a time, you can do this. :)
27 May 15 by member: jmb3450
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Come on Yolanda only you can do this for you
27 May 15 by member: Rockiesfan
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27 May 15 by member: aggie95
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Yolanda... You CAN do this... You were a HUGE reason I got to my target, now let's get back on track!!! We ALL have set backs, so... move on!!! Ditto aggie 95... You ARE MY SUPERSTAR!!! Let's GO Yo!!!
27 May 15 by member: millerm40
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For me crazy is just me telling me Hi :)
27 May 15 by member: Rockiesfan
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You have been here before and dug yourself out, so you'll be okay. I've seen you kick your own butt and find success, so I'm sure you'll do it again. Maybe once you're done with school some of the stress and anxiety will go away. You are a wonderful person with lots of people who have your back, just keep moving forward. I'm glad your daughter is doing well. Hopefully you're teaching her some lessons she'll take with her into adulthood. A lot of us have dealt with the self esteem issues, so maybe if we teach our kids about being healthy and happy they won't worry about being skinny. Get that Fitbit on and get moving!! :)
27 May 15 by member: mars2kids
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I am proud of you for working so hard - so this is a blip - it is the overall picture for you to see. Acceptance is the key - just be present and wait to see the next right thing to do. You can do this just for you - think of those who love you and let their light shine on you so you are inspired to feel the love!
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I have had those same feelings and it led to my 30lb weight gain. You can get out of this rut and have no doubt you will. Stay strong!
27 May 15 by member: Shia34
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It's great steps towards healing yourself when you can reflect on the "whys"! For so many of us, it often seems easier to care for others, than ourselves, to forgive others, rather than ourselves - but it's important to try to find a way to give yourself those very things. Being the best "you" that you can be, radiates out towards everyone that you love, and whom loves you. Don't give up, and most of all...don't beat yourself up!
27 May 15 by member: real_gone_girl
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hmmm - seems like a lot of us suffer with the same struggles...myself included. I for one am voting for YOU!
27 May 15 by member: FrankieBluEyes
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(((Hugs))) Yo, I know you have been having some motivational and emotional upheavals, but you getting back to continuing your journey is a major step. I'm so glad your daughter is doing better. This journey into healthy you're on is a great example for her. You can be HER role model on how to walk it! You have started this journey for you, yourself. Now you have someone who needs guidance on starting their own journey to healthy. What better way to teach a child than through watching and learning.
Your ponder, is because you are a mom, and as a mom, you just want the best for your kids. Moms do without to make sure kids have. I watched my mom growing up, do exactly that. She didn't give two hoots about herself, to make sure we had all we needed to be healthy and happy. It isn't so much a matter of self esteem. You may have that issue, but it is more being a mom, I think.
You are a Fantastic person!! A Fabulous Mom, A Stellar Student! YOU CAN DO IT!!! I'm here if you need me to get your back!! =) =^.^=
27 May 15 by member: pumakitten
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We're all rootin for you....you are a fab student and mom, and you are doing well. Stress and struggles make us stronger (just remember we all have ups and downs)....stay strong!!!
27 May 15 by member: Ginsin
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Thank you everyone, truly from the bottom of my heart. Your continued support over (literally) years of trial and error has helped me get to where I am today, and continues to inspire me to move forward towards my ultimate goals. Grateful for every comment from every one of you!
28 May 15 by member: Annabelle3117
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Yolanda, We are all just returning the good will and SUPPORT that you have given to many of us... You'll get through this rough time... We are all pulling for you!!!
28 May 15 by member: millerm40
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I get like that sometimes. I honestly believe it is a normal phase we all go through. There are moments in life that cause us to not be diligent in our quest...we get lost and lose sight of ourselves.
It's easy to see other's lifestyle do's or don'ts. (Totally get lost in that myself sometimes...thinking I'm doing so great and hubby not so great, then I see a photo of myself. Eeek! In actuality, he is doing better than I am.) It's even in the Bible: King James Bible
And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
It's easy to see the negative in ourselves. With that you'll always find yourself in a slump of sorts. Strive to see the positives in your life and your body, and your heart will follow.
28 May 15 by member: MightyFull
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Stress is a real killer! Wishing you the very best getting through this.
28 May 15 by member: BuffyBear
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