|
I'm here again. Been a long time. I re-read my journal entry from July 11, 2014 and it made me cry. Here I am, again, almost a year later and more than 15 pounds heavier. It's official, I finally weigh over 300 pounds! I'm horribly miserable. I hide from my weight and all of the ways it prevents me from living a functional and happy existence.
I was laid off in February so now I work at a desk at home for myself instead of in an office for other people... but that just made the fridge easier to get to. It's since then I've put on the last 10 pounds or so. That's when my 3x clothes stopped fitting. Went shopping to buy some super fat stretch pants and decided I needed a bra pretty badly as well. The nice 40ish woman at the bra store was trying to help by measuring me but it was yet another awkward moment when she couldn't reach around me and I had to help. I just feel so gargantuan compared to other people.
I somehow injured my shoulder about 8 months ago now and I'm about to start PT for it but the combination of my weight and lack of proper range of motion in my shoulder.... I'm really having a hard time even dressing myself. My husband has been helping me get dressed when I've struggled with my hurt shoulder to get into 3x clothes that didn't fit and couldn't connect my bra. He's loved me so much through all of this. These last 30+/- pounds seem to have really built a barrier of some kind between he and I as well. The love is still strong but I just can't keep up with him anymore. I can't seem to keep up the pace my kids seem to need from me either lately. I'm tired and sluggish. I can't keep living this way.
The recent events led me to seek help from my doctor. It wasn't the first time. Last Dr I asked for help put me on phentermine despite my reports that it caused me terrible anxiety. That lasted all of 2 days. I've spent the last 6 months laxidazily trying to find a good doctor to potentially help me get gastric bypass surgery because I didn't feel like I could do it any other way. I finally got a good doctor lined up, had to wait 30 days for appointment, and he referred me to the nutritionist. I'm ready to go with the flow so I make an appointment.... another 30 days out. :( 15 days later, I get a call from scheduling to push that appointment another 30 days out. :( So, feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, I'd normally retreat with some food and let it go.
Yesterday, with all of this on my mind... I made a leap that's out of character and joined a local Curves gym. Its more money than I wanted to spend but I have to do something different. I can't keep letting life pass me by. Last night I snacked on fruit instead of ice cream and this morning I drank a protein meal replacement drink. I am here long enough to write this entry and get my fatsecret account ready to help me track a journey that I'm hoping will be my WIN against a lifetime of obesity. [deep breathe] Well, that's it.... my first workout starts in a few minutes, I better get moving.
Diet Calendar Entries for 21 May 2015:
|
1356 kcal
|
Fat: 54.96g | Prot: 58.24g | Carb: 172.30g.
Breakfast: Kellogg's Special K Protein Shake - Strawberry. Lunch: Kellogg's Special K Protein Shake - Strawberry, Great Value Cubed Colby & Monterey Jack Cheese. Dinner: Lipton Pure Leaf Iced Tea Lemon, Cooked Summer Squash (from Fresh), Pagoda Express Teriyaki Beef. Snacks/Other: Lipton Pure Leaf Iced Tea Lemon, Fried Cabbage with Bacon, Chobani Lowfat Key Lime Blended Greek Yogurt. more...
|
|
3635 kcal
|
Activities & Exercise:
Calisthenics (light, e.g. home exercise) - 1 hour, Resting - 15 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
|
|