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I told 3 of my co-workers, about my weight loss and my starting weight of 315. They looked at me like I had 4 heads. one of them to said (to save face) "well, you hide it so well, I would have never have guessed you were that much." Yeah, Im "that much".... was "that much". Won't ever be "that much" again. Why did I even bother telling them, you might ask. Well, I got tired of middle aged women talking about how happy they would be if they were just down to their high school weight.... UGH! You had 4 kids, your eating doughnut holes, and sugar in your coffee. And you want to look at me like I'M the FREAK. But, you just want to be back to you HIGH SCHOOL weight!??!?!? When I was in High school I weight 230 pounds! I don't want to be 230lbs. I don't want to go back to the good old days. My best body isn't in my past, it's in my future. I am struggling with trying SO hard with making sure I do the right thing. Still working in what I like to eat with what I need to eat and hopefully, not screwing myself over in the process. I haven't drank a soda or even a sweet tea in 3 weeks and I am scared to death that what I'm doing isn't enough.
I am much more sympathetic to drug attics and AA members than the average person. I know the craving, the "just one more" the questions from well meaning friends "should you really be doing that?" And me snapping their head off, with "I can do what I want." "Don't judge me, I'm hungry, I can eat can't I?!?!" But the twist is, you can live with out booze and drugs. And still have a great life, people that love you, want to be their for you. But, if you quit eating cold turkey. Well, after a while, you're dead. To have a happy productive life you still have to eat. Eating will always be there, the "just one more" voice; I'm afraid, will never go away.
Please, if you are reading this and you have kids, or eat doughnut holes, I am not judging you. EVEN if you are a woman who has talked about getting down to her high school weight. I'm not judging you either. It's really not about anyone else. Just venting. I felt something then, just this angry stir in my heart. I debated and cried over wither or not to share and I thought maybe you would have some insight. I know this is a long hall journey. I know that as long as I am doing all I can do then it will be enough in the end. I am ready for change. I need this to happen. I needed to be here. To have this system, and you here. You have been so supportive, from day one of my being here. Thank you. Thanks for letting me vent and express my scrambled brain.
I really do believe my best self is coming. She will come when she is ready though. She won't be here if I eat a cookie or if I don't. But, only when it is her time. But, I must get ready for my better self, she has expectations and dreams. And I want to be able to do them.
Diet Calendar Entry for 28 April 2015:
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1443 kcal
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Fat: 70.00g | Prot: 78.99g | Carb: 138.56g.
Breakfast: Oroweat Double Fiber English Muffins, Kroger Turkey Sausage Patties, Sheetz Scrambled Egg Patty, Kraft American Cheese Slice. Lunch: Breakstone's Cottage Doubles Lowfat Cottage Cheese & Blueberry Topping, Wal-Mart Boneless Skinless Chicken Breast, Mayonnaise, Marketside Broccoli Slaw, Kroger Hearts of Romaine Lettuce. Dinner: Cracker Barrel Old Country Store Cole Slaw, Cracker Barrel Old Country Store Green Beans, Cracker Barrel Old Country Store Hamburger Steak. Snacks/Other: Dannon Light & Fit Greek - Strawberry Banana, Cuties Clementines, Nabisco Belvita Soft Baked Banana Bread Breakfast Biscuits, Kirkland Signature Dark Chocolate Covered Almonds. more...
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1 to 20 of 24
 Comments
What a beautiful, thoughtful, INSIGHTFUL, honest, and COURAGEOUS Journal. Yes, GREAT Summary when YOU said, "I really do believe my best self is comig." YES, she is...one day at a time, one step at a time!!!! (And, in my experience, the voice in my mind that says, YOU MUST EAT NOW...has NOT gone completely away, but is so MUCH MORE manageable with my new eating habits AND the ongoing support of my family and FS buddies. Take care AND keep on keeping on!!!! (And thanks for trusting us enough to journal with complete HONESTY!!!)
28 Apr 15 by member: SuccessThisTime58
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I appreciate your journal entry. It is refreshing that you are honest with yourself and with others. You are taking the right steps and you are putting a lot of effort into getting to the new you. Yes, you can do this!! There will be good days and bad days. Just hang with it and an even better butterfly will emerge. We can't give up on food, and the tastiest food seems to be the worst for us. But, after awhile, those foods don't taste as good. For example: I want fruit now more than pastries. Even healthy food has to be portioned to fit under your RDI.
29 Apr 15 by member: kattay
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Liked reading your journal . You sorted of wrote down most of my feelings.....like I'm not doing enough plus the 'one more voice'....keep up the struggle or fight ...
29 Apr 15 by member: Mphajay19
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BB, I feel your words in my soul. I have always been the one. I too feel my situation is akin to a drug addiction that you have to coexist with. An alcoholic does not need alcohol to live. A heroin addict does not need heroin. However, everybody must eat, even obese people.
There in lies the key to this being our exodus event. We have now accepted our circumstances. We are now doing something about it. I have taken the approach that I don't care how much "entertainment" I give people at the gym watching me in a class or struggle on a treadmill; I'm there for me. If they are "entertained," so be it. Those type people are to shallow & immature to matter in my life. I would never talk to them otherwise. I have taken the advice of Tywin Lannister from Game of Thrones. "Why would a wolf concern himself with the opinion of the sheep." I know it sounds arrogant, but I am a better human being than those people. I have more compassion than that. I am by no means a saint, but have always tried to be a good citizen to my fellow man; but those type personalities I have cut off. Their loss, not mine.
I'm tired of being the biggest person in every room I am in. I'm tired of people not wanting to set by me on a plane. I'm tired of restaurants asking me why I want a table instead of a booth. I'm tired of settling for what's available in my size, instead of what I would like to wear. I'm tired of being called "Hey Big Guy" by random strangers. I'm tired of carrying around at least two people on my bones.
I know I created the person that created all those situations, but that is over. I'm tired of Old Jon. So, he has got to go. I am building a better me. I feel a bond with you because I feel with have walked a similar path. I don't want to be my high school weight either. Hell, I want to be my twelve year old weight & I will bet my damn last dollar I will be.
We are going to do this. We are going to do this together. We are going to climb this mountain. We are going to conquer this addiction. We are going to the peak. We are going to be an example for someone else to see & know it can be done.
You keep the faith BB. If nothing else, know we are tethered together on this mountain side, climbing as one, motivated by the same circumstances. I will not let you fail & I ask the same of you. We tired people, we lions, we climbers; we are being reborn as new. You will be a New BB; as I will be a New Jon. This will happen. It is only a matter of time & math at this point.
29 Apr 15 by member: Jonathan Walsh
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My best body is not in my past, my best body is in my future. Soooo powerful! Let them stare and talk and act like they are so miserable with their weight. You are putting in the work, you took step 1 instead of complaining. That is more than they have done, from what I gather. Go get 'em! Even if things don't seem to progress as fast as you expect or want, don't give up!
29 Apr 15 by member: soraya_deb
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This was such a beautiful, heartfelt post. It obviously came from a place deep within, where your "best self" lives. She's knocking at the door, and you're answering. I've struggled with weight my entire life. I never realized the correlation to addiction. A drug addict can stay away from drugs, but we are dancing with the devil every single day of our lives as we choose what to put in our mouths. It's a daily challenge that may get easier over time but will always be with us. I believe you're going to do this. If you doubt it, just read your post again.
29 Apr 15 by member: dreamingangel
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All I can say is GET. YOU. SOME!! What a great post. I can hear your struggling and have said all of the things you have said and more. Food addiction is a horrible thing. God really put me in my place a month ago. I was talking with a co-worker about weight loss and told her, "You know, I know that I should care, but I just don't right now. I will one day, but now now." The very next day, I had a Dr. appointment about something so minor and he had to do blood work because of the medication he was putting me on. Hello Diabetes!! Not pre-diabetic, but full on diabetic. Guess when I said I didn't care God was like, "Oh Really....well, I bet you will now!' I'm kinda hard-headed and he knows just how to get to me. I have actually argued with myself, telling myself I can't have something and then saying, I can do what I want. Geez. I sound like a crazy person I know, but that's how addicted to sugar I was. i would even joke and say that I was a diabetic in training. Ugh!
I have discovered that I can't do this without my God. It's His strength that keeps me going. I have prayed for Him to take all cravings away and He has for the most part. The meds I'm now on do the rest, I guess. Whatever the case, I want to be a positive role model for my girls. I want them to fight for their health. I don't want to continue to be a quitter. I'm sick of that.
My strength comes from the Lord...the maker of Heaven and Earth!
Have a great day and thanks for sharing.
29 Apr 15 by member: Sdbai3
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I FEEL LIKE YOU JUST READ MY PERSONAL THOUGHTS! I am a recovering addict and let me tell you... kicking the drugs was WAY easer than this addiction I have to food! Ive lost 22lbs in almost 3 months... want to know my secret? .... no bread, rice, pasta or potatoes. and no more soda pop. I like to stick with the fresh veggies when I can and cut my steaks lean before I cook it. I love soup. the dollar tree has frozen veggies so I take 3oz of meat (cut up steak, chicken anything really) Add water one bouillon cube and desired veggies and BAM! theres some great tasting soup! and our new thing is cauliflower bread!! OMG! its soooo good! make pizza crust with it and and alfrato sauce chicken tomato mushroom banana peppers WHAT EVER YOU WANT and shred 1 string cheese! you will be surprised how good this is!! anyway IM HERE FOR YOU if you need. message me anytime!
30 Apr 15 by member: julieallen1222
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you have inspired me today, i love this post, and your doing awesome!
30 Apr 15 by member: victoriaegypt
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BB, I just realized "The Natural State" in your bio is referring to Arkansas. Well I'm a big Tennessee Vol football fan, so the bad news is on October 3rd, we will be sworn enemies for the day. Other than that; we cool.
30 Apr 15 by member: Jonathan Walsh
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Check out karaleigh83 on youtube. She is a Registered Dietitian and has some very good motivational stuff up along with a lot of good advice.
30 Apr 15 by member: floodjlc
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"My best body isn't in my past, it's in my future" I just thought that beautiful sentence needed restated! You work it girl!!
30 Apr 15 by member: NikkiJP
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30 Apr 15 by member: jparlett
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That was a wonderful, heartfelt post. Everyone on this site is supportive - it is the reason we all stay on here. Just remember your best self is won't come overnight, but she is worth waiting for and fighting for, and we will all be here to meet her when she arrives.
30 Apr 15 by member: Bethlauren8
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I don't know about you but when I confessed my top weight there was such a burden lifted. Just putting it out and not hiding anymore. It also helped me stay on track. Good job.
30 Apr 15 by member: ClassicRocker
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This was an amazing post. The love that followed from the forum members also touched my heart, so awesome to see we are all the same fighting the same battle day in and day out.. peace and love you all ~
30 Apr 15 by member: sterlinggirl
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I started my journey at 286, I'm 5 foot four inches tall. Last summer I hit my lowest weight at 175, then I put a little back on and I'm working my way back down, currently at 194. I've never confessed my real starting weight to anyone but my husband, kudos to you for your courage. I've never understood the need to hide that number, I mean people see me every day, would they think differently if they knew the number? Probably not, but I still don't tell anyone where I started. My high school weight was always 2 something, and like you I know my best body is coming, not in the rear view. Sucks to be them :) Your goals are attainable, this can be done. There will be successes and slip ups, bUT you will get where your going. Chin up :)
30 Apr 15 by member: Annabelle3117
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The best advice I ever received regarding eating is. "Eat what makes you FEEL good. but know that what is making you feel good is losing weight.
30 Apr 15 by member: SherriAD
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This is an awesome post, and incredibly encouraging. You're going to do awesome!
30 Apr 15 by member: xohhjeez
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Those of us who take ACTION to change and put in the WORK, often are looked at with jealousy. Just do your thing - to is working!
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