FullaBella's Journal, 11 February 2015

It’s interesting how easy something can be a habit, practically a daily ritual, and then… poof… gone. I relate this recognition to my (lack of) journaling and cannot help but make the connection to my intake (food) vs output (writing). Am I avoiding journaling in order to hide from the ‘confessions’ of poor eating choices or vice versa.. eating poorly because I no longer acknowledge a daily written reckoning?

Maybe it’s the repetition? Yesterday reads like the day before and that day reads like last week. I have visited some older journals when I felt I was doing better; they read the same… attempts to be mindful but never perfect. Is that enough?

Nonetheless, here I am at ‘All Things Food’ central and shall proceed accordingly. Today. No promises on tomorrow. My days usually start out well: motivated, mindful, focused on eating healthy (appropriate portions, no disordered eating) and nutritionally. I’m usually on track with my plan until late evening. Sundown brings the nightstalker. My swollen stomach and I crawl in bed alongside Mushy and close my eyes, praying for forgiveness and strength. Sometimes the expanded abdomen is food, other times massive water intake. Something, anything, to feel full.

Swinging back and forth, huge dips, between empty and full, I explore the emotions seeking my pinnacle Goldilocks for the moment when things are ‘just right’ and attempt to tackle them, hoping each recognition moves me closer to the goal line; the goal, of course, falling asleep at the end of a sane eating day preceding another and then another.

I’m considering a cleanse. Something to give me a week of clearing out the processed food chemical lingering toxic sludge coursing through my body. I may begin this Sunday - after Valentines day.

One issue likely promoting this emotional eating is business. Mine is slow; very slow. I’m not eating catfood yet and the buffer from the sale of the building helps me breathe easier but I find myself on the verge of madness during the day trying to stay occupied. I also look at a lot of job sites for something I can do in my shop, online, at my own pace. The boredom.. it’s a killer for me.

On the flipside of that are the upcoming pending vendor fairs (one this month, one next) I’m promoting; concern of remembering everything and factoring in everyone’s needs so they’ll want to return. I do these type things to myself all the time: create an activity then resent the demands. Cutty was right, I am my own worst enemy because I just can’t get out of my own way.

Another emotional issue recognized yesterday is this impending holiday in and of itself here on the fringe of this new relationship. Will it be romantic? Will he bring me flowers? I cannot find a romantic dress for the life of me. Will I feel silly because I bought him a gift (leather Harley Davidson vest)? Should I wait to see if he does (bring a gift) before I show my hand - I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable if he didn’t? So much drama over a Hallmark day, yes?

I’ve scheduled (after getting his positive feedback) an evening at a Murder Mystery Dinner for us and ever since pushing the ‘buy’ button I’ve been … crazy nervous. I’ve not been able to plan ANYTHING with Cutty (or for me w/Grace) for years because of his health.

Here I am, single (widowed) and worried about having to cancel or go alone. I repeatedly tell myself Harley isn’t that kind of person but the ‘experienced disappointed gal’ in me is hard to quiet. He phoned yesterday and asked what we had scheduled this weekend. My heart sank.

I reminded myself just because he practically sleeps with his IPhone doesn’t mean he uses it efficiently with the ‘calendar’ function; that just because I’d sent him an invite to add the MM to his when I added it to mine doesn't mean he did nor check it before phoning me and more so..he could have been using that as a segway to ask about something else. I held my breath and tongue as I managed to not say things like, ‘oh no… you’re cancelling??...’ and other blaming, attacking dialogues.

His agenda was he needs to run an errand out of state Friday and wanted to know if I could close my shop and go with him. He assured me we’ll be back in time for the MM Saturday night. It’s a relearning experience having someone in my life who’s independent of me with their own day to day activities.

After a decade of managing Cutty’s entire life followed by a year of being consumed by my own life, it’s taking time to remember Harley isn’t just packed in a box when I’m not around; that his very busy life continues even when he’s out of my sight.

And I repeatedly remind myself I like it that way; I’m not wanting to be consumed 24/7 by another person. That is besides Ms. Mushy - who’s currently snoring contentedly beside me as I try to update this recording of my life.

And that’s the highlights and lowlights. Thank you for visiting with me.
Bells




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Comments 
Its difficult to let go of these thoughts, isn't it. Yesterday I had to tell my brain repeatetly to 'just shut up'. My puppy was at the vets to have 3 of her baby teeth removed. As if leaving her wasn't hard enough my thoughts kept on torturing me. Running through all sorts of scenarios. What could happen, how would I react. Shutting them up was the only way. I would have driven myself crazy otherwise. I went for a vigerous walk instead. Long story short: she is just fine. Bit groggy and tired but ok :) So you didn't say: are you shutting shop on Friday? ;) 
11 Feb 15 by member: schmetterling34
I hope you have a nice valentines day Bella :-) 
11 Feb 15 by member: snezica
GAH! I've missed so much. I need to go on a journal reading marathon. I'm doing the sugar cleanse thing. It seems to help even out moves whenever I've done that. You can join me after V-day when I'm complaining about all the candy in the house. :) 
11 Feb 15 by member: Ms Elizabeth
Hi Bella! I know it may sound trite, but I just left the path of burying my feelings, eating to make myself "feel better", and filling up on things that only (in the end) made me miserable. I am looking forward once again to the sensation of being able to cross my legs. I am back on the food logging wagon. I think it is the focus on the simple things that help. I have really missed you and send my Happy Valentine wishes your way! I hope you have a wonderful time at the MM dinner. 
11 Feb 15 by member: RiverRes
Hey Bells, it's been awhile, but I'm always keeping up with your adventures! Congrats on the new man; enjoy the relationship for what it is right now and don't over think it. Everyone has to adjust a bit in the early parts of any relationship, so relax and give him his gift, regardless if he has one for you. You wanted to give him something, so give it to him with no emotional strings attached. As for ATF, my only advice would be when one is not being too careful as to what they eat; is just don't overeat. Take care and be well. 
11 Feb 15 by member: Josie Ann
Glad you have some fun plans coming up. Sometimes I feel like my eating is a repeat everyday too. I always try to be good but can't resist the cookie. Hope business picks up for you and all goes well with the vendor fairs. Take care 
11 Feb 15 by member: SJacqueline
Maybe he's planning a lil Valentine surprise...  
11 Feb 15 by member: Sweet Ce
Bella it's that time of year for business to be slow. Hang in there. Are you going to close your business for a day to go with Harley? 
11 Feb 15 by member: Mom2Boxers
Bella, I have found this to be true as well. As soon as I went off the journaling the old habits take over. Recording my daily food and exercise is almost like a daily confession. I've been lurking on here for several months without commenting so I need to catch up on whats going on with you. Sounds like a lot with the comments I've read. One day at a time.  
13 Feb 15 by member: cjmurph

     
 

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