FullaBella's Journal, 05 December 2014

Broth watch continues. While preparing Thanksgiving dinner I’d saved the broth off two roasts to flavor a stew and I still haven’t found it. The only option is somehow I poured it into a foodsaver bag, sealed it, and threw it away. That is the best of my options.

I’m renewing my eating plan this morning. I feel like I’m going backward by eating breakfast when I’m not hungry but there has to be a connection between the weight gain that seemed to take on steam when I stopped having it. But my recent doc visit revealed my bad cholesterol has increased. The comment read to me was ‘less fried food, more fruits & vegetables’. I wanted to argue “I don’t EAT fried food” but the numbers don’t lie. Something in my WOE isn't healthy.

This has bothered me more than the weight gain. I guess I truly am pursuing this for health more than vanity. So if it requires a few steps back to build up the momentum I had in 2012, so be it. I may even reinstitute the 10 gallon salad for a while. And I imagine having five different cheeses in the fridge are contributing to the higher cholesterol. Time to put that on the ‘special pleasure’ list.

I know I can do this. I’ve done it, over and over. This is the phase I’d wondered about in the past - a repeat of the regain at this point in my journey. But the ‘past me’ would have just brushed it all beneath the rug of reconciliation; justifying it with the better qualities I possess ala ‘sure, I’m obese but I..’ and list my better points.

I want both. I want to continue to be a good person and have good health. I want to be able to move and stand and fit into the airplane seat if I ever do take that trip to Italy as well as be able to walk those cobblestone streets I’ve fantasized about all my life. This is important to me.

Other than food I’ve had an up and down week. My cold & cough was pretty bad by the time I went to the doctor but is easing up thanks to the medications. Tea at the Adolphus with four other ladies was quite nice. But the cold, medications and still soul wrenching depression have left me wiped out. A regular customer commented on the absence of my usual ‘perkiness’ yesterday. My demeanor is mostly sedate. I’m listening more than talking. I just don’t want to hear my stories anymore. Hence the absence of journals.

However, I heard the following this morning (zoning out to Grey’s Anatomy): At some point you have to make a decision. Boundaries don’t keep other people out, they fence you in. Life is messy, that’s how were made. So you can waste your life drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross. Here’s how I see it, if you’re willing to take the chance, the view from the other side is spectacular.”

It seemed to speak to my present state of mind. I could feel myself throwing up wall after wall. Just like the lab reports, this served as a reminder for my plans to live in the world rather than sit on the sidelines and watch.

And that’s the latest. Thank you for visiting and supporting me. Hanging on by a thread here. But at least I’m still hanging on.
Bells

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1260 kcal

Fat: 52.50g | Prot: 105.00g | Carb: 97.50g.   Breakfast: Fresh & Easy Tomato & Garlic Bruschetta, Schwan's Mediterranean Vegetable Blend, Schwan's Turkey Mignon, Trader Joe's Salsa Verde, StarKist Foods Chunk Light Tuna in Water, Schwan's Whole Strawberries, Spectrum Chia Seeds, Smart Balance Omega Natural Peanut Butter, Quaker Old Fashioned Oats. more...