StarandLuna's Journal, 30 April 2011

Okay I'm starting to get this slowly. I'm three weeks in and I'm starting to understand how this calories counting concept work. Graduate schools do not teach you this! Staying focused, being determined and setting my mind on my goals have made my desperation turned into real production.

Someone on here asked me to "really ask myself the real reason why I want to lose weight." From hearing people stories to reading research, we all learned that aiming to lose weight for that summer wedding or for that guy is never worth it (I mean fitting into that dress for that wedding is just a temporary satisfaction). These short term goals are attainable but not long lasting. I don't have a summer wedding to go to. Or a man that I need to lose weight for. I do however have a lifetime of happiness and health waiting for me. Ever since my divorce, I started to really define my happiness. My mistakes, my good qualities - everything. Reflecting to the point that I can no longer reflect. I mean I thought I lived a very self examined life, but I guess my self examination over the last two decades weren't enough - I started to test myself on the practice part of it.

Like for example, this concept of self control and focus. I have always been an ambitious and goal/action oriented person. In fact, there are very few goals in my life that I can't achieved. But the process of me going about achieving those goals have been absolutely unhealthy. What did I expect the result would be when I was doing two grad programs and working two jobs (while trying to support my then husband?). How was I to enjoy the fruit of my labor at work when my 'work hours' and productivity levels were all over the place? What did I think would happen to my physical health when I was working out one day and then fall off the band wagon for 3-6 months? Did I really think I was going to be happy and sane with the stress levels and drama and negativity that I was exposing myself to everyday?

My writing days were sporadic. My studying habits were not existence. My emotional health was a wreck because I was on the pills (and was exposing myself to so much negativity). I swear, throughout my adult life, I had no concept of moderation. This lack of understanding has translated into my eating habits. My exercise habits.

Signing up for the half marathon was the best thing I ever HAVE DONE FOR MY HEALTH. And signing up for this website to help me 'monitor' my eating habits have been the second BEST thing I can do for my health. When I am able to stick to a schedule of running, I can stick to a schedule of writing and working. I can stick to a schedule of having fun. When I am able to say no to a second serving of rice, I can start learning how to say no to 'excess'. When I can say no to fried food, I can start practicing how to say no to drama and negativity. But it's not about saying no. Because I learned you can not say no to everything bad. We need a balance. In our life, in our diet, in our exercise, etc. This balance is what keeps us going. Is learning how to be consistent. Learning how to stay focus, have self control so that when the 'bad comes' we would know how to handle it. When we are balance and stable, it gets more difficult for anything (even temptation) to knock us over. And that goes for french fries, to ex husband, to negativity, to deadline...

I feel good that I am able to learn this. What has been wonderful is having the resources, the time, the opportunities and the support to practice this. I have never felt so right in my life. I have never felt this good. I know that when I am able to achieve this, I can finally enjoy it. I can finally bath in it.

:-)

Diet Calendar Entries for 30 April 2011:
1358 kcal Fat: 35.90g | Prot: 63.76g | Carb: 198.61g.   Breakfast: vegan muffin, half and half, coffee. Lunch: whey protein shake, spinach, banana, water, chicken wrap. Snacks/Other: fruit salad. more...
2173 kcal Activities & Exercise: Walking (moderate) - 3/mph - 10 minutes, Circuit Training - 8 minutes, Running (jogging) - 5/mph - 1 hour, Resting - 14 hours and 42 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...

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