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3 October was the last time I was here. I feel so strange. It's time to move forward. So I was in the UK for the saddest of reasons. To bury my father. He was not the kind of father I would have wanted. But he was not a bad man and he loved me. Of course, I loved him and was very upset. I am relieved that he will not suffer full on dementia and further disability. But I am sad for my stepmother who is really sad and lonely. He could be a very difficult man to live with but she loved him dearly.I was not with him at the end. Not given all the facts about his condition and my aunt told me not to come in the end as she thought I wouldn't make it in time and that he wouldn't know me. Should I have gone anyway? My stepmother was very angry with me that I didn't come earlier. But I can't just jump in the car and be there. She has since apologised. But there are a few questions in my mind. He fell off a ladder! He could hardly walk. What was he doing up a ladder? It happened on a Monday and I didn't get a call until Thursday. He didn't go to hospital till Wednesday. He must have had so much pain as he had six broken ribs. I did get to talk to him on the phone. He told me he was on the mend but I couldn't understand him much and I didn't speak to him for long. At that time, I thought he was OK. One day he was OK and due to go for an operation. The next day he was on palliative care. He died on Tuesday morning. At the funeral, I found out all the details I wasn't told. I do feel that my stepmother should have called an ambulance immediately. I have questions as to what happened. She told me that she was in bed and didn't hear him calling. I don't think for one minute that anything suspicious happened. I just think she could have called for an ambulance earlier. Perhaps I should have jumped on a plane earlier. A big part of me is also relieved that I didn't see him like that. How weak I have become. I used to be so strong. Anyway. It was his time.
I have hidden away behind doors. Drinking too much and eating crap.Spain is calling. Yesterday I rang about a house to rent which sounds perfect. I may go over to Spain soon to have a look. This place is full of boxes and all the things that I had left in the villa. I have to sort it all out and get rid of a lot. I have so much to do that it overwhelms me. But I should be very grateful that I have such a good life. I often wondered how I would feel when my father died. Now I don't really know.
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 Comments
21 Nov 14 by member: CatHerder
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Thanx CatHerder. Keep strong x
22 Nov 14 by member: Buffy101
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My father passed away with dementia. There still remains a lot of unanswered questions for me that will never be answered. Please look after yourself, eat well and don't drink too much. Try not to dwell.
22 Nov 14 by member: Anne_145
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Spain calls me too. My mother had dementia and it made her do some awful things. You have been spared, so don't feel bad about anything that was or perhaps should have been done, either by yourself or anyone else. Alcohol was what caused my mother's dementia so go easy on the booze. Give yourself time to mourn for the loss of your father, even though you weren't close. It takes time. Eat natural foods and every day take walks in the sunshine over there. Look around and don't feel guilty that you can enjoy your life.
22 Nov 14 by member: Freshfielder
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Do you need a buddy Buffy?
22 Nov 14 by member: Freshfielder
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My mother has alzheimers and when I go and visit she thinks I am her sister, a friend or just someone she doesn't know 😞 old age can be very cruel to the rest of the family . You should take comfort in knowing your father is now at rest and don't beat yourself up about not being there as it sounds as if you did the best you could under the circumstances.
23 Nov 14 by member: Terisl
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