FullaBella's Journal, 12 November 2014

Time to face facts... I've gained. Some muscle weight, some fat weight, some knowledge, some acceptance, some something. How to sort it all out? I'm working on it. All I know is for my own record I've decided to be honest about it. All of it. I know far much more now than I have in the past, I am more than a number on the scale.



I read journals here... correction.. devour them. It seems we all 'say' we do it for health but the reality is vanity & 'looking good' is in there. I am moving into the health acceptance better; I suppose aging is helping with that.



Thoughts spinning like a hamster wheel lately - going in circles. It was my plan to stop this before it just continued until I regained the entire 110lbs again. I'm trying to be patient with what my body is doing right now. Just get thru the next six months with maybe a 5lb loss or no gain at all.



I've never maintained a lower weight. I often maintained a higher weight. I was consistently at 285lb over 5 years. That isn't boasting; it's a fact. Why not 290 or 315 then? How did I reach that plateau and stay? Why can't I stay at the lower weight?



Trying to revisit the start here. Thinking about a fast; maybe 24-36 hours. Something to kick start the way I have in the past. Maybe I just need one good stomach virus.

Another cycle on the hamster wheel: breakfast. I began reading 'how to lose weight, speed up metabolism' the other day as if I were starting from square one. Breakfast, breakfast, breakfast.

But I'm not hungry early in the morning. I'm not hungry until mid-day. I don't feel that I'm eating beyond hunger daily. But something is causing the weight gain. Again, either fat to muscle conversion on top of the few 'extras' and "yeah, buts"?

I don't want to force myself to eat when I'm not hungry; it goes against everything I've tried to incorporate in the EWYL plan. But maybe that too will shift things enough; a tipping point.

My body is shifting though. Hips are fitting a little tighter but waist is loose. Weird. Rings & bracelet still fit loose. So where's the increase?

But if I don't log it.. I'll continue to feel like a liar. And be confused forever when I come back to check on my progress. I've been denying and trying to rationalize this 5lbs at a time for months. Starting here will help me. And maybe help someone else.

Dear Angels.. heal me. Help me recover and live through this gracefully. Don't let me fall completely to the ground. Pick me up today.

Bella

210.0 lb Lost so far: 75.0 lb.    Still to go: 30.0 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.
gaining 2.9 lb a week

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Comments 
Dear Bells... After weighing in today (even after having made a pact with myself not to weigh this month)and seeing I am the same weight, I asked myself if I should work on maintaining vs losing and trying to get myself back in the upper 160's. And other questions arise. Would I be happy with the additional weight? Jeans I'd not worn in a couple of months just would not budge over the hips when getting ready for therapy this morning; and I think I answered my own question. Just to get back in the jeans and be able to breathe. I think we had this discussion in the past. Be happy with what we've become or lose it again. Reaching out to you and others to assist with the loss, whatever that might be.  
12 Nov 14 by member: ClassicRocker
I'm with you 
12 Nov 14 by member: SherrieC
Love your pics. You really are great at finding and picking out these jewels. Thank you for sharing! You will do the right thing for yourself if you keep working at it. Do what works for you to get to your goals, no matter what goals you have set for yourself. You can do it! Better slow than not at all! I, too, have a hard time with the breakfast thing. So, came to the conclusion, its When I Decide to break my fast! Can call it the 16:8 fasting thing like Draglist does. Main thing, I have to be happy with me. So many times I have forced myself to eat a morning breakfast which just triggers me to eat all day long even more than if I had just eaten when it was comfortable for me. Lesson learned. I would stop logging, but I know what my result would be. Gained 20 lbs last time I tried it. Can you guess how long it took to lose that 20! Scary! I am trying, presently, to avoid the scales. Curiosity will eventually get me. Good luck with your choices!  
12 Nov 14 by member: kattay
Angel, good for you for facing the reality before it gets away from you. Now you can decide how you want to proceed. You have come so far, and are mastering mindfulness in so many ways. Don't give up! We are here for you, as we are in this together for the long haul. Sometimes a little wakeup call is all thats needed. I've become a big advocate of eating whole foods and specifically Dr. Hyman's approach. He has a program called the 10-day detox, which I've done and may sign up for another group challenge in Dec, but it can also be done anytime. If you'd like to hear more about it, message me. While it does eliminate certain foods (contrary to EWYL), he seems very reputable and respected and is getting great results. Plus you don't have to count calories... it's what you eat, not how much, so perfect for eating to the right amount of fullness. In my view, it helps me with that piece of EWYL to "eat what you need". As you know, I'm staying away from the scale for the month, but it is a valuable tool when used in the best way. I just needed a break from it as I was getting too crazy about that number, overusing and abusing it. By owning up to what it's telling you, you are on your way to the next stage of this journey of a lifetime. And, if you want it or not, I'm on the path with you! xoxox 
12 Nov 14 by member: Ruhu
Proud to be your friend. Knowing a person like you is a treat, indeed. FEAR: Face Everything And Recover. You are facing things. It's been a tough year. And now your widows weeds are ready to be shed so that you can move forward. Look back but don't stare. Things happened. You dealt with them all as best you were able. You have it in you to take new steps - whether for vanity or for health. For me, vanity gets me nowhere. I have it. I want to be the girl in the magazine - but that ship has sailed ... but I sometimes find myself trying to swim in to the ocean after it. Not sure if any of this makes sense or helps but I wanted to reach out to you and thank you for being the amazing woman that you are one day at a time.  
12 Nov 14 by member: Sweet Ce
I love your attitude, it's very inspiring :) 
12 Nov 14 by member: sartorialist
(((((hugs))))) 
12 Nov 14 by member: Deb_N
The journey is long....one bite at a time. 
13 Nov 14 by member: sharonfriz
I'm here Bella ... Waging a similar battle. Doing my best to be GOOD to me. Thanks for sharing and I swear sometimes it is quite mysterious what our bodies do!! 
13 Nov 14 by member: madaboutmoose
When i went to Weight Watchers back in the 70's the instructor used to say "One bite at a time, one meal at a time and one day at a time. I'll see less of you next week". I still like that. Thank you Julia....  
13 Nov 14 by member: dboza
Bella (((HUG))) Breathe deep...Exhale.....Stay Calm... When we panic we make decisions that are not in our best interest.:) Let's see things for the way they are. Your gain was 5 lbs not 110.That's the fact,right? LOOK at *that*,not the fear of the 5 lbs turning into 110.*That*,the fear,is NOT the reality.It is in your mind.IF you do not address the fear by REJECTING it,FOCUSING on what you can do,what you must do,to make sure YOU *stop*it in its tracks, that fear *will* stop you! DO NOT HAND OVER YOUR CONTROL TO FEAR! *You* BE the BOSS.You have it in you! You *know* you do :) Read your journals,remember the challenges that YOU'VE won victory over!THIS is no different :) You are strong! Maybe you need to be stronger. The road you have traveled perhaps has come *too* familiar to you.Maybe you've stopped reading the road signs.I dont know,but *you* do. GOOD-be honest with yourself.That's where it all begins anyway.Without acknowledging the facts,the truth...there is NO help coming to the rescue. Don't confuse my words as anything other than they are.You know how I feel about you.I want the BEST for you! People can only lead a horse to water,they can't *make* him drink.The horse must do that for himself.When it's thirsty enough,it knows what to do.And it will drink. Bella,what we think about,we bring about.Our actions *will* follow our thoughts. MAKE those thoughts positive.OK? :) (((HUG)))  
13 Nov 14 by member: myawethinTICself
Correction 20 lbs rather than 5 lbs,still not 110. forgive the mistake. 
13 Nov 14 by member: myawethinTICself
Hi Bells, honest as always - you're awesome for that. Look girl, you've gone through hell this past year adjusting to a new life, so cut yourself some slack for gaining. However, from your journal it sounds like you want to lose a bit of weight, so do it. You know how to lose it and you also know how to do the trickier part of maintaining it. Don't over-think the "why did I gain it back" part. You lost your husband - that's overwhelmingly tough. As you push past the "widow weeds" as you cleverly put it; I believe (and this is my experience) when we want something more than eating food; we can all lose weight. Earth-shattering revelation I know, but yet it's so hard. Bells, dumb it all down and achieve what you want. Lose 5lbs, maintain from here...set your goal(s) and take the bull by the horns to achieve your goal. You are an amazing lady and I wish you peace in all that you do!  
13 Nov 14 by member: Josie Ann
Bella,Josie said it so much better than me. But the intent is the same.I hit harder & I owe that to my upbringing.Something else to balance out. :) 
13 Nov 14 by member: myawethinTICself
I think we all get to that point where it gets hard again. I think maybe our bodies get used to the changes we make and then we have to make more changes. I'm at that spot too, almost getting to the point of "what the heck"! So I'm going to do different exercises to maybe kick start my body again. I understand that you don't want to eat when you're not hungry but breakfast is very important even if it's just something like fruit or something small. Don't give up because you've come so far and I know you can keep on going! 
13 Nov 14 by member: SJacqueline
Give yourself a break Bella. Maintaining is tough.. Sometimes tougher than losing. I maintained for a few years and then when I had all the medical issues I just started gaining and couldn't keep it in check.. I am back on track now...just doing all the same things I did when I started....Sometimes we just have to start at square one again. 
14 Nov 14 by member: chattycathy1955

     
 

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