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thinking aloud, in a sense.
had a lot of thoughts passing through, figure I should keep some record.
this will be a long, probably negative, entry.
Trying to come up with some new non-weight goals. I am finding it difficult to come up with anything other than prospective clothing sizes. In all reality, I would be content to stay at the size that I am. I'm still considered obese, and from what I read my "ideal" weight is between 148 - 162 lbs. at present, I am 199.
I didn't go into this with the goal to be skinny/small, really I just want to get into the position where my weight isn't holding me back. I feel like I am at that point. I have more energy, I physically fit in places I wouldn't have, and I am not as self conscious as I was. Not to mention infinitely healthier.
Maybe some of the problem is that I have never really known myself smaller than this (as an adult).
I haven't always had access to a scale so it is easier to compare pant sizes.
highest - 30/32
graduate high school - 22/24
Middle school - 12, then 14 and 16
at present - 18
It is strange just how scary it feels to head into unknown territory. I have had this body for all of my life and it is hard to see myself as something else. At times I have felt grateful when the weight loss has slowed down (crazy, I know), because it gives me a little time to process. I can not imagine the people who go through gastric bypass, with the speed of weight loss, are able to keep their heads on straight.
Funny to say that while physically I feel great and proud of everything I have accomplished and how much better I look, but more than anything, right now I feel discouraged. Feels strange to admit it. I have gotten so much support the past few days from people here and family and friends and coworkers on facebook, and in random text messages from people. it feels great to have people acknowledge what I have been working towards. But at the same time I am lost. I don't really recognize myself. It is like I have to get to know this new person who has all of this extra potential. So much of my identity has been tied to my size over the years that it is hard to separate from that. It is a lot of pressure.
I have been contemplating on where to go from here.
I will continue to make the same food choices that I have been (I have no desire to go back to where I was). I think I will stick with my choice to not weigh myself as often (I have been doing daily for a year). keep moving forward. I really think I need to make more time to reflect it might help me process this more easily, and to enjoy my progress more than I have been.
I knew going into this that there is so much more to it than just weight and it is time to address some of the things behind it.
There have been a lot of instances of people randomly striking up a conversation, asking for directions or smiling as they pass when I walk the dogs. People holding doors open or letting me pass them first. the little things. Things that just don't happen when you weigh 300 pounds. I don't have words to describe just how angry it makes me. Of course I am polite, but at the same time it bothers me just how differently strangers will value you based on your weight.
Last year when walking the dogs, I had someone yell out their car "it's called a salad"
This year I walk the dogs and people compliment my hair.
I realize that it is human nature. doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
My dad has never been good at hiding his feeling. especially the ones that he should have. when I was a kid he made it very clear that he did not like me being over weight. he tried to help but really made things much worse. He would criticize me every time I ate in front of him (meaning to be helpful) and it got to the point where I would do everything I could to avoid eating around him. Whenever we ran into a friend of his I just got overwhelming feeling of how disappointed he was.
I hit my goal of 100 pounds lost on Monday. I put it on facebook along with a before and after picture of myself (the same I posted here). He was one of three family members who shared the picture on their pages. It was clear just how proud of me he was, but at the same time it hurt. I don't know that there has been any other time where he has shared something like that of mine. another time that he was proud enough to show it off to his friends. he has put up picture of me and things, but not in that context of "look at the awesome thing she is doing".
For the month of august me and my wife took off from work and drove 6,000 miles across the country. Drove some the tallest mountains in the country, had run ins with buffalo, deer, bears and elf. Saw the largest trees in the world, swam in the ocean, the grand canyon, many national forests, the salt flats, big sur, waterfalls. visited some of the most amazing cities of the world. None of that was worth sharing.
but weight loss. that's something to be proud of.
I guess I am just feeling bitter at this point, but it would be a lie to say it doesn't bother the hell out of me.
I don't mean to down play my accomplishments, but at the same time it feels wrong to act like losing weight is the most important thing I have done. It has been a weird couple of days. My conflicted feelings will pass, and I will work on the things that are causing them. Perpetually moving forward, I will continue working toward my ultimate goal:
BALANCE
Diet Calendar Entry for 07 November 2014:
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1395 kcal
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Fat: 20.09g | Prot: 63.81g | Carb: 248.28g.
Breakfast: Bigelow Tea Lemon Lift, Bell Plantation PB2 Powdered Peanut Butter, Bananas . Lunch: Bigelow Tea Plantation Mint Tea, Sweet Earth Kyoto Burrito, Sweet Earth The Anasazi Burrito, Flav-R-Pac Flavor Fiesta Vegetables. Dinner: Kontos Pocket Pita Whole Wheat, Curry with zucchini and cauliflower. Snacks/Other: Sugar in the Raw Turbinado Sugar, Coffee, Frontera Habanero Salsa with Roasted Tomatoes & Cilantro, Cooked Dry White Beans, Eat Smart Sugar Snap Peas. more...
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