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Well, I just haven't done jack since I started this thing, and my weight has gone up over the years. I'm miserable and ugly and now getting old. It's time to try again.
I've always been a little bigger than everyone thought I should be; even in high school, when I had what I'd now consider to be a perfect body, I was always a few pounds more than society appreciated. I started dieting when I was 14 or so, but have never had any sustained success. It bothered me but not much - I'm tall, with a large frame, but an hourglass shape and decent face kept me from worrying about my weight. I never lacked for suitors, and have many encouraging and loving relationships with friends and family. Weight never seemed like an issue important enough to focus on for long.
Now I find myself at 45, severely overweight after a lifetime of laziness. A bad car accident started me on the path to gaining in my 20's, and the scale has climbed due to my own lack of caring and determination. I've started hundreds of diets and tried to change my lifestyle, but I'd always get distracted - and the facts remain that I love cooking, I love food, and I seriously hate exercise. Combine that with a husband who actually loves big women, and the motivation to lose the weight is next to nil.
The things that have changed recently are what have me on this new hunt for health.
- A beloved grandmother died of diabetic-related disease and strokes. It was a miserable death, and taking care of her cost her loved ones dearly.
- I've had to move up yet another size in jeans, and jeans for someone my height are already hard to find.
- Every photo of myself has a miserable double chin and with my terrible posture, I look like a mountain.
- I weigh more than my parents combined, more than any of my friends, and more than most linebackers.
- The most disgusting part of my body, my inner thighs, has now caused me to realize that I will never again wear a swimsuit, and the ONLY exercise I enjoy is swimming!
My fear is that I will lose concentration and hope again, and stop caring, and just keep gaining. So many mindsets could mess me up:
- the permanent damage that's already been done to my body, the stretched out skin, will never be fixed no matter how much I lose.
- I have to give up cooking delicious foods, one of my favorite pastimes.
- My husband means well, and wants me to be healthy, but has terrible favorite pastimes of his own that won't be changing anytime soon. If I want to hang out with him, I'm basically forced to do what he does.
- I'm never going to be young and pretty again no matter what I do.
- What is the point? I don't have kids. I am married. I could just save myself the angst and live how I want, stay in the house and be happy until I die, even if it is early.
So that's what I'm fighting, and maybe I'll win, or maybe I'll do like I've always done and just float along until this life is over. Right now, I want to be healthy. I want to stop being sick all the time, to stop closing my eyes whenever I get near a mirror, to stop the intense self-hatred whenever I see a picture of myself, to stop dreading social events. I don't want to be ashamed anymore. That's just not always enough when in general, I'm happy. All I can do is hope, and try.
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311.0 lb
Lost so far: 0 lb.
Still to go: 136.0 lb.
Diet followed N/A.
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Diet Calendar Entries for 09 October 2014:
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1589 kcal
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Fat: 47.49g | Prot: 77.00g | Carb: 216.45g.
Breakfast: Coffee, Nabisco Belvita Blueberry Breakfast Biscuits, Breakstone's Cottage Doubles Lowfat Cottage Cheese & Pineapple, Great Value Half & Half. Lunch: Light Italian-Style Wedding Soup, Gala Apples, Smart Ones Classic Favorites Fettucini Alfredo. Dinner: Jell-O Sugar Free Dark Chocolate Pudding Snack, Carrots, Roasted Potato, Beef Chuck (Arm Pot Roast, Lean Only, Trimmed to 1/8" Fat, Select Grade). Snacks/Other: Banana, Newman's Own Three Cheese Balsamic Vinaigrette Dressing, Cucumber (with Peel). more...
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4098 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Walking (exercise) - 3.5/mph - 10 minutes, Desk Work - 8 hours, Resting - 7 hours and 50 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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gaining 0.3 lb a week
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