“They call it Stormy Monday”...
It’s probably an oxymoron but we’re getting a gentle storm. Thunder and soft rain. Mushy and I are curled up in the recliner as I catch up with my dear friends here. Once again I have been inspired by the approaches and dedications shared in your journals. Very timely as I feel like I went off the rails with eating this weekend.
It started Friday having lunch with Yoga. As usual we split a Reuben sandwich but after a few minutes I said ‘I know this makes me look like a pig, but I want another’ and ordered it. The plan was to eat another ‘half’ and take the other half home or just leave it. But no, I ate the whole thing. Three times as much as I'd normally eat.
Reflecting on that, I think using that announcement (pig) probably gave me just the right mixture of self hatred and shame to encourage more overeating. That evening I had two tortilla & cheese with pork ‘wraps’ and was on my way to frying some tortilla in olive oil to make chips and salsa (see the binge rolling along?) when my grandson came over and distracted me working on some of my projects.
However, he also had an agenda: he wanted to have cake & ice cream for Cutty’s BD. And I’ll confess, I’d considered the same the day before so it didn’t take much encouragement. So we did but I still didn’t stop there - I followed that up with a banana & almond butter.
That was Friday night and I slept terribly. I’m not sure if it was the regret on the eating or dread of the trade show Saturday, which was … horrid. No traffic. I didn’t even sell enough to pay for my tables. This has been a bad show for me four times in a row and I am calling it quits for that one. I just can’t get my mojo in that room and I was especially disappointed after my renewed ambition had inspired me to really work up the inventory better rather than my usual ‘dump it in cases and let people find it’ mode.
So bored and disappointed on top of exhaustion I went to the ‘breakfast bar’ and had two boiled eggs, a yogurt and an banana. Not bad food, but I knew I wasn’t scarfing all that down in hunger. Emotional eating. Within a half hour I was eating a packet of Tuna. An apple followed that. Again, better than donuts and candy but still 'bad eating when not hungry'.
Eventually I threw in the towel and came home. I had some hot soup; filling and healthy but my stomach has been rumbling for three days - likely processing all this food - and is fooling me with ‘hunger’ vs ‘what else?’ I followed ‘that’ with fresh pineapple and yogurt and then said ‘enough’ and went to the auction. I seriously cannot remember if I ate anything when I got home from the auction - another reason I have decided starting today to return to recording.
Sunday gave me gorgeous weather and a renewed inspiration but it didn’t last. I cooked up some more soup - I always find it filling without being so calorically dense - but that rumble continued despite water and everything else I normally do to settle it.
I kept myself busy working in the yard, working on my plants, tidying the house, painting on the vanity, etc., anything to keep from using ‘food’ to distract me and even took Mushy to run errands in town. I was doing well but then I was so ‘empty’ and wanted something ‘dense’ in my stomach. I just felt I needed it and nothing I’d done for three days was filling it.
So I made a pan of scones and ate half of them. Eggnog scones with butter and chocolate almond butter. I can’t nor want to calculate the calories. It’s over and done. Today will be better.
I am conflicted with the recognition that I sleep so much better when I have something like that before bed. I'm not sure if the sugar spike from carbs gives me just the right combination to zone my body out for sleep but there is a noticeable reaction. And it leaves me on the fence staring at the fields of 'healthy eating but sleepless' versus 'night snack and slumber'. How to choose?
I will figure this out. I am not going to use it as an excuse of 'damn the healthy eating, I need and want sleep so bring on the scones' to return to disordered eating. I saw this quote yesterday - I like it:
Although I work hard to keep the F word (fear) out of my vocabulary - it makes sense. I don't want to repeat my failures of the past. I am sure it's a combination of this weather change and age but I know the processed grains (sandwich, tortilla) and slight weight gain are contributing to my legs aching lately. Yes, I've been on my feet a lot and that does it too. I want to get this combination back where I can stand even longer without pain. It's not bad - usually a good 4-5 hours, but I'm shooting for 8 as I have so many projects going.
So I’ve already had two bottles of water and two cups of coffee. I’m going to get dressed, open my shop and unpack my inventory as it’s a month to the next show. I know some of it’s economy and the rest is a lack of advertising on that organizer. I’m done with him. I’ll exit gracefully but exit indeed.
Another day to make progress. Should be easy compared to the past three days. Piece of cake. Wait…
Bells
