Jackie_Snape80's Journal, 06 April 2011

I really think that FS overestimates calories burned and underestimates calories eaten. I don't feel as if I burned roughly 2500, and I feel like I've eaten more than 1100 cal worth of food. :S

I'm not really sure how boost my confidence and keep it there. I'll tell myself good things, then an hour later it's forgotten. I'll forget how good I felt as soon as I stop working out, or as soon as I eat something.

I feel like I need to exercise, exercise, exercise, and eat less. I don't want to feel as if I have to earn the right to eat, though. But, that's how my mind seems to work. I feel weak for stopping the machine after 15 min or after 20, or even after 25. I don't want to push myself to hard, but part of me tells me that I'm a wuss and that I can't even push myself.

-sigh- I haven't purged in a week and a half, but I still feel like I should. I still have this terrible guilt for eating and being full. I'm ignoring it for now, and I'm hoping that I'll be able to work on getting rid if it for good. It's this little demon of temptation telling me that to get skinny I need to stop eating and punish myself when I do...it won't go away and it's driving me insane. it's making me feel so worthless and weak for not giving in when I want to so badly...it hurts. Not eating and purging made me feel good, like I had accomplished something...like I was succeeding. Now I'm just lost and sick and I'm constantly plagued by these urges.

I just really needed to get that off my chest. It's just that so much of who a person is seems to be centered around appearance, and I've succumb to it(only about myself though) It may seem selfish or something to some people, but it gave me a feeling of control and accomplishment. It was like I was one step closer to being attractive.

I know this is the same type of thing I've posted before, but it helps me when I get these thoughts out. I feel a bit better now, more calm I still hate this full feeling, though. Oh well...

Sorry to bother you, whoever may be reading. :S

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1038 kcal

Fat: 18.32g | Prot: 59.01g | Carb: 176.10g.   Breakfast: melon, Cornstarch, blackberries, unsweetened rice milk, whey soy protein powder. Lunch: sriracha chili sauce, wasabi, Sushi with Vegetables rolled in Seaweed, Pineapple, stir fried vegetables, snow peas. Dinner: sriracha hot chili sauce, organic ketchup, green peas, veggie slices, nayonaise, veggie burger. Snacks/Other: special k crackers, cutie, grapes. more...

2508 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Walking (brisk) - 4/mph - 5 minutes, Stretching (yoga) - 5 minutes, Calisthenics (light, e.g. home exercise) - 10 minutes, Calisthenics (heavy, e.g. pushups) - 10 minutes, Sitting - 5 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours, Resting - 8 hours and 58 minutes, Exercise machine (fast) - 25 minutes, Exercise machine (moderate) - 15 minutes, Walking (moderate) - 3/mph - 27 minutes, Standing - 25 minutes. more...