|
Lots of struggles and stresses in my life right now. I can't afford the $500 it will cost me to change a flight so I can go to my Aunt's memorial. My mom feels that her having to drive a few hours and get a hotel for one night is the same cost as me flying across the country and missing five days work. She has already said that she wouldn't take time off work to spend a little extra time with me... even though I have lived 5,500 away for five years. And for those five years, she has never visited me. Not because of money - that I could understand. There's always more important things for her to spend her money on (TVs, trips within the US, her latest boyfriend, etc). She always expects me to visit her. "Oh, you're in Florida? Well you should drive to AZ to visit meeeee."
She's also very depressed and has gone back to her anorexic ways. I wish I could be there for her, but I've -always- been there. Through every divorce and bump n the road, I have taken care of my mother and have never had the benefit of having a mother who could offer helpful advice, or could see beyond her own problems. I was very nearly hospitalized because my BMI was 14.4 and, according to my doctors, my organs were shutting down. My mom's opinion of my eating disorder? "A phase. She's fine. Perfectly healthy. She'll get over it."
So I'm struggling to find sympathy right now. Which doesn't bother me - I have always been a very cold person. It's very rare for me to feel much emotion for others.
Money issues are very stressful. I've started a new job. I enjoy the job, but it stresses me out. And I'm still very new, so I'm still on new-person pay and can only do a few hours a day because it's very intense and my brain can't cope beyond three or four hours. So far, not enough to pay rent. Which induces panic, which isn't great for my concentration.
I was meant to hear from my latest psychologist several weeks ago. So, once again, I need to chase them up. But I'm not sure I see the point anymore. I've been transferred to a different doctor three or four times in the past 18 months. There has been no progress. Nothing helpful. Just, 'Well, after these six sessions, I have determined that I am not qualified to deal with this particular flavor of crazy and will be transferring you to a coworker who will say the exact same thing in three months'. And we'll probably move to Europe in six months.
I really fancy a cigarette. I haven't had one in a very long time.
Despite all these crappy things, I have one very spectacular thing in my life. My other half is the most amazing and supportive human being I've ever encountered. I am so very lucky to have found him and taken the risks necessary to be with him. He is honestly the best thing to ever happen to me, and we have done so much together in the past six years. I don't know what I would do without him. So much of what I do is to make him happy.
I have ballet class tonight. I'm glad that it's at night - it will keep me from drinking, I hope. I LOVE dancing, but I hate squeezing this fat body into tights and a leotard. Ah, well. =/
Diet Calendar Entries for 15 September 2014:
|
1303 kcal
|
Fat: 24.00g | Prot: 50.82g | Carb: 177.81g.
Breakfast: Mission Flour Tortillas (Fajita Size), Bob Evans Scrambled Egg Whites (2 Eggs), Bell Peppers, Vegetarian Baked Beans, Avocados, Semi-Skimmed Milk, Coffee-Mate Fat Free Hazelnut Coffee Creamer. Lunch: Kroger Extra Long Asparagus Spears, Pasta (Made with Egg, Cooked), Broccoli, Ainsley Harriott Hot and Sour Instant Soup by Ainsley Harriott, Quorn Naked Chik'n Cutlets, Red Onions, Yellow Sweet Corn , Birds Eye Frozen Peas, Carrots . Dinner: Honeydew Melons, Grapes (Red or Green, European Type Varieties Such As Thompson Seedless), Apples, Stacy's Pita Chip Company Simply Naked Pita Chips. Snacks/Other: Whiskey, Hershey's Milk Chocolate, Yoghurt Covered Raisins. more...
|
|
1954 kcal
|
Activities & Exercise:
Standing - 40 minutes, Dance (slow step) - 1 hour, Desk Work - 2 hours, Sitting - 6 hours, Housework - 30 minutes, Sleeping - 9 hours and 40 minutes, Resting - 4 hours and 10 minutes. more...
|
|