Well, it's Friday but I have a working weekend so I guess it's my Wednesday but I won't be off Monday so ... l sure can't call it a 'lost weekend' because that alludes a lot more fun than I'll be having.
All things food - rocking right along. Another emotional day yesterday.
It began with going online to balance my accounts and discovering I was overdrawn! Whaaaat? I recognize I'd had a bit of a 'the lights are on but nobody's home' month in August when I'd just let bills stack up around me ~ the money was there to pay them but I just didn't have the ambition to write the checks.
But then I paid them ALL and didn't balance the accounts ... duh. So I drove to the bank and deposited some cash to get that back in order and they were nice enough to reverse the two NSF fees as I've NEVER done that, at least, not at that bank. The whole time I could hear Cutty ranting at me for not taking care of business. Hey, I know it happens; that's why they have the whole process set up for handling it. But I was feeling like a child in trouble.
Then I had to leave work early to go to the doctor. I'm not sure if this has hit your state yet but the anti-anxiety med Xanax is now harder to get than heroin; or at least that's my joke as I've never bought heroin. Effective this month Texas requires the patient see the physician MONTHLY to get the prescription and with that extra copay cost as well as the emotional pain of sitting in a physician's waiting room every month I said 'time to get off this medicine.' So we'll be moving to something less controlled.
Regardless, by the time I got out of the office I was a bundle of nerves from all the waiting room flashbacks. It's not that I EVER forget Cutty ~ in fact, I'm waiting for the TV repairman to come today because the lamp on his (see, it's still HIS) big TV in the living room needs replacing.
Recalling how I had to relocate everything of his 'day life' to the bedroom for the 48 hours it was out last time, less than two years ago, has me reliving that painful memory. Seeing sick, older people in wheelchairs yesterday ... well, it's a miracle and a blessing I wasn't face down in Tequila or Tin Roof Sundae ice cream or both by sundown because that has been my usual mode of coping with pain in the past.
At the grocer I wanted 'something sweet' but not to the point of eating my emotions. After walking around the store and considering options I finally decided I wanted chocolate so I bought a package of 3 chunky cookies with the 'I don't want to have to throw away a huge bag of cookies' plan. I am very proud to report I only ate one of the cookies and not because I had to smash the other two into dust so double pitty-pat on my own back about that. Gold star Bella.
I'd slipped down in the bed snuggled w/Mushy and she wiggled away off to the foot of the bed and it so frustrated me, I felt so alone, I know, it sounds crazy but I was just aching for something warm against me. I patted the spot beside me for her to return but she just sniffed at me in contempt.
So in my completely irrational empty lonely sad pathetic crazy lady reaction I said 'FINE.... I'm going to go soak in the tub... stay here alone!' And I did... and that poor little baby obviously sensed my insanity in need of supervision because she came into the bathroom and lay beside the tub instead of staying curled up on the comfy bed.
The point of the story is .. I didn't eat. And I still had the other cookies plus the rest of the cheezy goldfish and heaven's know what else I could have concocted like waffles and pancakes and several bottles of wine and some rum and other such stuff in the kitchen.
I did something else to fill that empty, rejected, pathetic, pitiful loneliness: I 'Calgoned'.
Yes, I know that isn't a word. Blondie is developing a classic 'combo sigh and eye roll' because lately I've decided adding 'ing' or 'ed' to a noun makes it a verb or past verb. I natured, I went naturing. I photo albumed. I am busy photo albuming, and so on. It's kind of fun. Yep, I'm funning.
Nonetheless, I was doing my old historical reflection about the last time I lost weight, when it went off the rails, etc., this morning because I'm wondering about failing again. The voice that goes 'okay, you started in Nov04 and by Mar06 you'd lost down to 150 but somewhere in there you started going off the rails and whatever that blurry part of your memory is by Oct07 you were buying jeans on a road trip because what you had didn't fit and by ...' And then I did the comparison of now .. well, okay.. this time started Aug12 and since Aug13 I've been fairly stagnate on weight. A plus or minus factor of 10-15lbs but obviously more muscle this time because the clothing size is the same so ....
I guess it's the dreary weather of today, approaching the one year mourning point, and so on. I had to stare myself down in the mirror with the reminder 'uh, last time you were on phentermine... starving.. binging.. purging... drinking... raging... and so on...' and this time it's just been a one day at a time eating healthy and trying to move more. You may go up and down a few pounds and you may stay at this weight for ever but it's better than going up, up and up because your disordered eating tricks fail. Just get thru today. Worry about tomorrow later.
Interrupted sleep last night and ironic as it seems I feel much of it has to do w/telling my masseuse I wanted to change the schedule. I know, I am the customer. She's just such a sweet girl I felt guilty. But as I just finished journaling the above paragraphs I cleared enough emotion to feel strong enough to call and take care of that too. Whew.
So several emotions ~ not that mine are any more unique than anyone else's. All in a day. One day, one breath at a time.
Thank you for stopping to visit with me.
Bella
