pam-u-la's Journal, 07 September 2014

Well apparently I have lost or conveniently misplaced my motivation, drive and/or desire to see myself at a smaller and much more comfortable number. Where did these so called emotions go? That I have no answer for! It has been a self sabotaging time. As someone maybe able to tell I am feeling slightly beaten up over the entire thing. The range of feelings go from weakness to complete and epic fail! Don't know what has triggered this or why I have chosen to walk down this part of the path again.
I do try and not express these negative issues on here, and that is probably why I have not written lately either. However there is a small twinkle of hope that if I did actually record them that I would see that this self indulgent path to destruction can and should be reversed in some way.
life has continued to throw a multitude of curve balls. Gee how do I handle it? Well you know a big bag of salty goodness chips oh that will make you feel better! Or that jar of peanut butter in the cabinet will hold you together emtionally when you feel like you want to fall apart. Or perhaps that chocolate that was bought for you will hold some magic ingredient that makes all these worries go away!
None of it works, I know this! But yet it is where I have led myself yet again.
Was doing so well, then oh 1 cheat day certainly won't hurt! Then it was oh 2, 3, 5, 10! And now...m right back at a number that I have trouble feeling comfortable in my own skin.
So how do I change this and stop the spiral in mid motion?
Well I re-evaluate things, and change the mind set!
What positive things have I done?
It's all in ones mind this pass and fail mentality.
So apparently I need to reconfigure my approach, realize that like everything else in life change is inevitable.
Healthy changes one small one at a time will add up.
Help myself like I enjoy helping others
Lead by example, or better yet follow my own advice!
BUT!!!
Even through all this I still remain grateful:
For my health.
My family
My friends
My job
And stilll having an account on fat secret
Plus being able to start again, no matter how many times I fall still being able to dust myself off and start again.
** if anyone should read this, I m sorry about the negativity that has come with this journal entry, I truly did need to express how I am feeling. It is my hope that since it is out in the open that I can work again on the "changes needed". ***
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Comments 
good job on writing it all down. i can definitely relate to your struggles with emotional eating and turning to food when life throws a curve ball. sometimes just journaling about it can help me start to shift my mindset. i hope it's helpful for you too. be patient with yourself & hang in there :) 
07 Sep 14 by member: Self Determined Woman
This is where you come to vent & work out a new plan. Sometimes, we need a change and a spurt of negativity sometimes can help focus that. 
09 Sep 14 by member: jessabridge4444
You have so very well expressed experiences I have had in the past with my eating behavior. I would guess a goodly portion of people who struggle with their weight have been there, done that. And never, ever did I figure out why it was so hard to get back on track after a fall or even a cheat. It is akin to Pandora's box. Here's a suggestion that I have found works for me. Plan your meals and eat what's on your plan. If you feel you can handle it, include a comfort food in your plan. But don't include anything you believe you might not be able to stick to the accepted quantity. Journal about your life problems too - not necessarily on this site, but somewhere private so you can really let loose. I believe that putting situations and problems into words can make them seem smaller and more manageable. Carrying them around inside you where they give you pain probably contributes to wanting to dull the pain with overeating. And there I may have found the answer to my own behavior - it wasn't about the food, it was about the emotional pain and wanting to numb it.  
09 Sep 14 by member: trackin64
I miss your posts, friend 
01 Feb 15 by member: bugcakes
Pam where are you! 
12 Mar 15 by member: bugcakes

     
 

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