Tulipgirl6's Journal, 26 August 2014

are you hungry? 

The only way to change a dynamic is to change your responses. Don't bother trying to change him. Won't happen! And too, realise that with young children and responsibilities, it's stressful. You need to partner up, to face the world together, and not be on opposing sides. (ah! where was this wisdom when I was young!) lol  

Hey, I saw your new profile picture! 50 lbs loss, shouldn't there be a smile in there??? Congrats!  

gosh, i'm not hungry and I noticed that is a permanent crease on my forehead; I now look permanently angry. so sorry, to bother you all, but i'm feeling really down and stressed out and depressed right now. you might remember, i've been this way for a while. it has to do with personalities clashing and my husband does have a classic oppositional personality. according to therapist. so a while back, i followed the advice to go through our actual expenses based on previous months, but my DH and I say that with sarcasm, decided that wasn't good enough, to go over our actual expenses. He did not even believe me with credit card statements and supermarket receipts. he wants to spend less, but he is just cheap! he is also so petty! The new thing is he used to fill up the car with gas on Sundays. This is a job I hate doing and he is so picky about the gas not dripping and which gas station to go to etc. it just worked out for a while. Now he is on strike. He does not want to put gas in the car. I brought this up with him and mentioned that I don't have enough money for gas in the car. He says, "I don't drive the car, I shouldn't put gas in it." So, tonight, he literally has no clue how to run the washing machine, and he asked me to run it for him. Normally I wouldn't bother bringing it up, but it was a perfect parallel. So I told him, it's the perfect parallel, and said, I didn't wear any of that dirty underwear or undershirts, so I shouldn't wash them. I asked him if in 11 years I ever said, "This isn't my laundry, I didn't make it dirty, so why should I have to wash it?" So he got all angry at me and claims, if I want to be petty, he can be petty. He just won't give me any money for expenses. My whole issue is that "the allowance" is not enough for regular household expenses. I don't want this to come out the wrong way, but this guy makes a ton of $$$ so it's not like he can't afford it. He just has control issues. I don't even want to change him, but as I make my expectations less and as I am more emotionally distant, he becomes more crazy. I can't be peaceful around him. It is so hard to enjoy a moment! 

I was looking for a smile as well. Hoping things get better for you as hubby settles in to his new job.  

Spent less is a very vague notion. Get him to have a financial plan and share it with you, tell him you're willing to get on board and reach goals together, but you've got to know his expectations. You don't want to live in a warzone in your own house. It seems that this is only headed for an escalation, and the kids will suffer for it.  

Oh tulip, so sorry you are going through this. Would some sort of couples therapy help? I've been in a similar situation, so I understand the "permanent" crease and the angry look. I found I ended up taking the frustration and anger I had toward my DH on even complete strangers.  

I feel for you, Tulip - has been there :-( It may be best to have a written budget, listing down all the fixed cost on average like utilities, gas, any monthly installments; then computing the food, cleaning items, etc. in. This way you both see exactly how much it costs you to just maintain the household, without the extras like clothing, meals out, leisure. Try to go about this in a businesslike manner rather than emotional. Sending hugs to you <3 

Tulip, I feel for you. I am so not the one to try to give any kind of marital advice, but I am rooting for you! All relationships have bumpy times. 

Marital discord.. they never warn you about this during the vows... wait... they do.. better or worse. Try to remember the things that brought you together. Call a truce. And yes, most people expect after a 50lb loss you should be smiling so big your face cracks but life and issues happen at any size. Start by listing 10 things you love about each other. No 'buts' or 'except for' . Just the good. Go from there. 

It also might be good to have a third party (finance counselor) review your finances with both of you to verify how much should be spent each month on expenses, etc. Good luck!  

Honestly Tulip, you have just described every moment I spent married in my life. 13 years invested in marriages to 3 women and every one of them left me feeling like I just went 15 rounds with Mike Tyson. Hope it works out for you. Life has to be happy, and you sound like you are not. 

Hey Tulip, I am so sorry for what you are experiencing right now. I really hope things will improve once hubby is out of the house for more hours with his new job. I like FullaBella's suggestion ... focus on the positive. 

thanks everyone; great advice bella but I can't find 10 things for a while now . . .. i can't even bring myself to try and think about it these days . . . . redeeming qualities . .. . hmmm i'm going to have to do some searching . . . . the dog we were watching got picked up FINALLY!!! this weekend is going to be me and the baby and no car! dad and 2 big kids go on what has turned into an annual camping trip . .. . sigh 

Hey, you've gotten some really good advice above, so I'll just add another angle. When you said, "I don't know what is going on; I have been very short tempered with everyone this week," the first thing I thought of is adrenal fatigue. Adrenal problems are rampant nowadays due to stress, and being short-tempered is one of the possible symptoms. So, if you think the "real you" isn't quite like that, and that's what your statement seemed to imply, do a little research on adrenal fatigue. Strict dieting can contribute to it, and on the other hand, adrenal fatigue can cause weight gain and difficulty losing. I'm researching it now because I think it could be the biggest part of my weight problem. 

diana this topic has come up in my life; i think i am looking into it with my thyroid panel, i just did a blood test; i'll ask the dr.!!! i think you are right on! sometimes we ignore the signs until they present themselves repeatedly, and you might be exactly right; do you have any info or good resources on adrenal fatigue?