FullaBella's Journal, 22 August 2014

Ever have one of those days you just want to go to bed but not because it's been bad but rather because it's been so good? I've had that; the most amazing almost 24 hours and I just want to curl up, close my eyes, and see what the dreams would yield.

Let me add a disclaimer right now - I'm a little in the bag. ONE glass of wine at lunch but it was a 'big' glass. To borrow from one of my idols Stritcht, I think they bought my glass in the vase section.

Regardless, the highlights include:
1) discovering THE best milk/creme combo for my bedtime coffee froth
2) having the universe answer a question
3) standing up for myself in a way that didn't require stamping my foot
4) all reinforcing my 'time to change your reflection on things' policy I implemented this morning.

The third is the one that has me smiling and so fulla myself right now (that and the pinot) that I feel really good so I'll start with it. I'd agreed to meet Charlotte for lunch; when she was 10 minutes late without a call or explanation, I .............. ordered. Lunch. Yep. I sat there like a grownup with the recognition I'd already closed my shop for an hour and I had waited for lunch and by golly I'd just eat the lunch and have a glass of wine and enjoy myself and if OR when she showed I'd be grateful she showed but not be childish about it.

I know, this is what NORMAL people DO. I'm far from normal...as anyone who's known me a while or read my journals. The former 'me' would have slapped a tip on the table for the 'water' and walked out. Cursed all the way home. Ignored her phone calls if or when she called. And been a total Witch. OR sat there, sulked, and placed MY needs second to her finally showing up.

But as I am trying to change, part of #4 above.. I decided to handle it and take care of myself. She did show 10 minutes later with an apology (20 mins late). I didn't say anything right then. I held my lecture that included 'although my 30 things to do (I mentioned this in a past journal but don't refer to it every day) included expanding my circle of friends. you're already in the circle but about to find yourself on the outside of that circle because I already have ONE good friend I tolerate being late and do not have room for another.'

Instead I said, "no worries. I apologize I couldn't wait (to order) but I have a sign on my door that I'll be back at 1:00 and need to stick to that in case someone's waiting for me'.

Charlotte is my yoga instructor. I'd been thinking about returning to yoga this week but not so much in a group setting. Yes, this defeats my friendship circle expanding but there was a hesitation there and I am trying to listen to the universe when it pauses.

When she texted me this morning asking if I had left any blankets there I thought 1) the universe is telling me .. yes, yoga still awaits (referring to the second on the list) but 2) maybe not her because if she paid any attention to you at all, Bells, she'd recall you'd asked her several times to order blankets for you .. in fact.. offered to give her cash up front to do it. So obviously you don't count for crap with her to remember you .. and 3) it's yoga, not marriage, get over your crap already.... call her back. So we agreed to meet for lunch.

I guess being able to TRULY rise above it all rather than just deflecting as if I didn't care.. that's my feeling of victory. I took care of myself by ordering lunch and didn't let her lateness spoil my day. As we talked above things that were literally leaving skid marks on my frontal lobe and would take a whole other journal to detail big stuff.. and I'm not a woman easily shocked by things... I knew there was a reason I was there. For the text. The call. The lunch. The patience.

As we talked the conversation did come around to traits and life experiences we share, including being OCD and on time and she responded she was like me and fully expected an empty booth when she arrived. How interesting. So I was able to explain to her my 'feeling' on the situation without blaming and criticizing. But I truly, truly feel the fact that I ordered anyway .. and got up when my allotted time was over and said 'now you relax, finish your wine, and have a nice afternoon' was probably one of the most mature things I've ever done.

I know.. right? Death of a husband. The Blondie Chronicles. The... well, all the stuff. Years and years of things I've survived and here I am bragging, 'I ordered lunch! I ordered lunch!' Makes no sense. I need a ghost writer.

In no particular order ( why start now? ) this refers to the 'change how you reflect on things' thought I had this morning. I walked into the bathroom and did my usual 'raising of the Tshirt and glaring at my profile particularly my saggy stomach so that I start the day off feeling badly about myself' moment and then stopped.

Much like wanting to take the weed whacker to the garden the other day, I wanted to take a sledge hammer to the bathroom mirror. I've always hated that mirror. It's so ... yesterday. It's a 4ft high by 8ft wide WALL mirror. With dual vanity lights over a double sink vanity. Nothing but mirror and bad lighting. Avoiding it I would need to cover it like I'm sitting shiva for my youth or replace it. Seriously considering replacing it with something more decorative and attractive. Time to start a refurbish budget.

But regardless, I came to the realization that after walking this earth half a century with some really bad food abuse nothing, even 24 / 7 crunches and exercise, is going to remove that extra saggy flesh short of surgery. And I'm not doing that. If I were a child in Africa I'd be on the cover of 'feed the children' but I'm standing there resenting my body reflecting a lifetime of not being hungry or without. Time to stop.

STOP IT NOW.

And I also recognized something else~ like a twofer! I DIDN'T start this 'journey' yet again on 8/25/12 because one day I walked past that mirror and didn't like the reflection. NOR was I beating myself up that the 'pants' I wore LAST year were still fitting (even though they were a 3x).

NO.

I started this ... again... because of health. Lab results that CANNOT be measured in a mirror. I had been stepping on that scale every three to six months since 2008 and weighing within 1-2 lbs of the previous weigh in; sometimes up, sometimes down. MAINTENANCE. Sure.. maintenance at 285lbs... but not GAINING. And THAT wasn't why I decided to try this again either.

NOPE. It was the thought of being put on metformin for diabetes and laying in the floor with my body cramping in reaction to the cholesterol medications.

BUT.. that isn't measurable with the human eye. Sure, in a way it is. If you've been around, been my buddy, reading my journals for a while, you may remember that on 8/12/12 or so was when Cutty's vascular surgeon commented on my appearance... having watched me balloon up another 130lbs since he performed the first surgery on him ... and said my 'red face' concerned him. Yes, that was 'visible'.

AND, whenever I've been morbidly obese (speaking from the experience of having been there 5 times so far) well, doing little things to change my health leads to a very visible change: weight loss. Simple not disordered eating too much. Drinking water instead of soda. Cutting the processed food. Yep, whenever I'm near 300lbs.. it's been easy peasy to drop 100lbs in six months or less.

And I'm a freaking 'wonder woman' to those on the ouside.

BUT ... despite the lab reports improving... my doc not giving me that worried 'I'm so freaking fed up with my patients ignoring my advice' look... despite being able to move more, breath better, feel a little better... what gets the headlines?

The Weight Loss. Big Bold HARD to IGNORE Headlines. "My God You Look Fantastic' headlines. No one wants to see my latest cholesterol rating. No one cares about my fasting blood glucose. It's all about that SCALE number.

And that's great, yeah, I'll admit it. But sooner or later... VANITY and EGO kick in and I start believing MY OWN PRESS.

I'm thinking my only value is to continue losing weight. That's why I REFUSED to tell ANYone in real life 'how much'. I didn't want every conversation to be 'how much now' and feel like a failure because I hadn't lost more weight since they last asked.

But still ... like local news leaked to a sequestered jury .. I'm hearing it. My ego is hearing it. I'm processing it. And before you know it.. I start every day staring at my stomach. Now I'm the Empress who has no Clothes and needed my inner village idiot to kick in and tell me the truth.

The stomach I've ALWAYS HAD for EVER. No matter how much I lost on past trips around this MayPole... I still have my Grandmother's Buddha Belly. So WHY now??? WHY am I focusing and wanting a FLAT stomach??



It stopped. This morning. I am not going to smash the mirror - I'll see about trading it for something less glaring. Or I may practice visiting it daily and being kinder to myself. I'm not sure. But the 'belly shaming' stops. Today.




AND ... finale... if you're a good old fashioned 'I just love a little coffee with my foam at night' kinda gal like me... I realized I was out of milk. Or forgot I was out of milk. I'm not sure which came first but it was almost bedtime and I had NO MILK.

I'll skip the rationalization this was the universe telling me to give up dairy. It just isn't the same. I tried that. I like the warm, froth milk in my coffee at night. It helps me relax to go to sleep. STAYING that way, that's a whole other situation. Getting there is half the trip.

So now what? Dress? Call the grandson with the newly inked driver's license just itching for a reason to go anywhere?

Instead, I improvised and made some instant milk to thin out some sweetened condensed milk and ... wowza. That stuff FROTHS like no one's business!!! And STAYS frothed. I even showered and ... still frothed. I'm a changed woman. Wonderful. I would say the ratio may be 1 cup instant to one tablespoon condensed. I only froth about 1/4 a cup total. Four stars. Five with the Bailey's I added. (and now we know why I go to sleep)

So ... yeah, a long rambling journal on a good day. Thank you for sticking with me throughout this one.

Bells

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Comments 
Thank you. 
22 Aug 14 by member: ClassicRocker
I'm also not telling anyone my starting weight. The number is just too big. I just say that I wasn't stepping on the scale until recently. What do you mean with wanting a flat stomach, like a model? That involves so much work, exercise and so little calories that I'm not going to even attempt to try to have that. Three years ago my cousin had your starting weight and managed to get to be 145 lb with the help of a nutritionist. She was 33 then. Her whole life she was obese and now she looks great.  
22 Aug 14 by member: snezica
As always love your journals. Congrats on having a good lunch and a glass of wine instead of escalating your stress level and getting mad. I'm weird about the flat stomach issue. I want a flat and muscular stomach. I want to be a 66 yo great gramma in a bikini next year. It's not for looks (tough a benefit) it will mean I'm in shape and healthier. It's a validation to myself that I'm doing it. Good abs for me means less back pain, less leg pain, more flexibility, more stamina.  
22 Aug 14 by member: wholefoodnut
Your "rambling" to me is more insight and reflection and growth… and I love it all, Angel! xoxox  
22 Aug 14 by member: Ruhu
@snez... Won't hurt to do it now. You can look back and say, "wow". I was a biggie. No shame. Just pride. 
22 Aug 14 by member: ClassicRocker
I love your posts...I process things by writing, or sometimes talking with someone. It looks like you do too. Congratulations on setting a great personal boundary with Charlotte. It makes me feel like a grown up when I set realistic boundaries and follow through on them. No anger...I take care of me, but without bashing or trying to control the other person. And as far as weight loss...I told GoodMan I wish I could lose the weight and get healthy, but not have everyone notice. I want it to be as if I was always a healthy weight so all conversations would not be about weight loss...He looked at me like I was crazy...he thought I'd love the recognition...it's hard to explain...I'd like to look nice, just not have a lot of fuss and conversation about it... ~ Keep writing, it helps me process too. 
22 Aug 14 by member: Hipaagrammy
Well done, sweet lady. Ya done good, Miss B.  
22 Aug 14 by member: Sweet Ce
You did good, keep it up =) 
23 Aug 14 by member: FitOKay
Love it! You're a great writer - was totally with you at the coffee shop, in front of the mirror, in kitchen discovering you're out of creamer... Hope the next day goes just as good for you! 
23 Aug 14 by member: Kiki8123
Thank you for the pics and especially your insightful post. I love reading your posts, sometimes they hit a raw nerve. You are good with words that speak to and for gamut of emotions. Everyone, me included, I have known has some issues they would like to change or improve upon. We are all human, with insecurities and flaws, it is how we deal with them that tells the true story. Congratulations on your victories! 
23 Aug 14 by member: kattay
Hi Fulla, I've not read your journal in it's entirety, but intend to. But I just wanted to share what jumped out at me from the part I did read. Late nite coffee and trouble sleeping (in other journals)...? And, I just watched an interview from a French author of a book called 'you are your own cure' (this is translated). However, it's a very popular book, apparently, and what hit home for me is that he attests that people who close in on themselves (few circle of friends) have a greater predisposition of developing Alzheimer's. (I can see the logic of that). So, I too have a few circle of friends, and LOVE IT LIKE THAT! (I kind of believe that saying - hell is other people), however, it seems that that's a recipe for Alzheimers. I think I genuinely need to address this later on, (if I don't forget - lol) I'd love to hear your opinion.  
24 Aug 14 by member: NowIunderstand
Hipaagrammy, I feel the same way about the conversation turning to weight loss. I've gotten to where I just say I limit calories, eat healthy foods, and exercise. I feel better. People want to hear about some quick loss plan, not that it's a get healthy journey. I've decided they won't follow what I'm doing so why bother. Then I try to change the topic. I can't get around people commenting on the difference. A change of size 16 baggy clothes hiding fat rolls to a size 6 still have some rolls from flabby muscles to hide but they are slowly decreasing. Wore hip hugger jeans with a belt and a cute knit top yesterday, quite a change from my old dumpy wardrobe. 
24 Aug 14 by member: wholefoodnut
You sound wonderful Bella. Definitely insightful, and happy. So pleased. 
26 Aug 14 by member: Helewis
It's maybe conditioning. Models and media all have pretty girls with flat stomachs. We associate these with beauty. And who doesn't want to be beautiful? You've started your journey for health reasons, now they are behind you and along the way you've wanted to achieve something else. Wouldn't be the first time someone starts something for one reason, but then along the way, upgrade (or downgrade) and wants something else. The motivator used to be health (in a kind of do or die) and now health isn't an issue, so you've found another reward to reach for. But for sure, somewhere along the line we must just learn to be happy with ourselves. So what we don't have a flat stomach! IM(humble)O - ps, it's easily said by me, I'm not at goal, or anywhere near. I might be just as obsessed about it when there. TC, love your introspection.  
26 Aug 14 by member: NowIunderstand

     
 

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