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Tonight I used the pool at the gym, and found just how out of shape I was. I used to be able to swim forever, fast, laps back and forth until they kicked me out. I loved it. Tonight I had to stop, panting, between each lap of the 25m pool. Came up with a mantra "It doesn't matter how slow I go. It doesn't matter how often I have to stop. All that matters is that I start again." It helped. I managed 20 laps before they closed.
The real challenge, however, was the change room. There they are lined up, all slender and athletic and gorgeous with graceful arms and powerful legs and six packs that go for days. And here I am, with my pot belly and my chicken arms and my double butt (think double chin but lower) and my love handles. I didn't want anyone to see me, especially not these bronzed greek goddesses with their perfect bodies. Just the thought of facing them in my plus-sized bathing suit was almost enough to keep me home.
But you know what? Even if I didn't go, I'd still be fat. Whether or not they see me, it doesn't change the underlying reality. The only way to change the reality is go to the gym. So I can stay home and still be fat, or even get fatter. Or I can try to fix the reality, face the gym, and someday soon have a body I can be proud of again.
I want to be comfortable in my skin again. I want my favourite clothes to fit again. I want the self-image I have in my head from the days before I got sick and put on all this weight to be what's here in reality again. I want these things a lot more than I want the junk food that put me here. And nothing worth having comes cheap.
I can do this. I'll be back at the gym tomorrow. And the next day. And the rest of my life, because it's part of who I want to be.
Diet Calendar Entry for 02 July 2014:
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1061 kcal
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Fat: 58.34g | Prot: 101.17g | Carb: 26.63g.
Breakfast: Trader Joe's Wild Nova Smoked Sockeye Salmon, Red Rain Diet Red Rain. Lunch: Calavo Caliente Recipe Guacamole, Red Rain Diet Red Rain. Dinner: Pork Chops or Roasts (Center Rib, Boneless), Atkins Advantage Cafe Caramel Shake. Snacks/Other: Tap Water, Tap Water, Tap Water. more...
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