ny_shelly's Journal, 26 June 2014

I'm really sad. I was binge eating again today.

4 pieces of gluten free toast with butter (42 carbs) and about 1/4 mac salad.

I have a stomach ache now.

Reason
Hurtful pain inside I can't /won't identify. Feels like you are going to die and you just want it to GO AWAY. It is literally painful.

No amount of self talk can convince me out of it. When I am in that state of mind I can't seem to think about weight loss goals. All of the reasons I should stick to it are distant thoughts that don't touch me inside. I am an impenetrable shell.

I wanted to get in my car and go to the foodstore and eat and eat and eat. The only success I can take is that I didn't do that - I remembered that the soccer game was on and I watched the end of that. Then my daughter came home from shopping. I felt better. I forgot about it.

Maybe that's why I'm sad. She is going back to her apartment and I am by myself again.

****

Every year I would get a Hallmark little booklet calendar. You know those ones that go in your purse?

I would try to lose 25 lbs per season. That seems reasonable...13 pounds per season. I like doing that.

I found the one from 2006. I started January 10 at 313 and I got to 296 on February 13. Then I got to 255.2 on May 12. This is when I was on Atkins and I was eating about 10 - 15 carbs.

I was pre-diabetic at that point...I only had high blood pressure.

****

This is really hard. I am happier when I am eating better. I have a better attitude. I feel like I have more energy. I don't want to go back to week long binges. I need to seriously plan ahead for these situations when I feel this pain and figure out steps to deal with it.

Once again, planning, preparation are the key.


Diet Calendar Entry for 26 June 2014:
400 kcal Fat: 17.50g | Prot: 21.00g | Carb: 2.50g.   Breakfast: Tap Water, Coca-Cola Diet Coke, sausage casserole. more...
on diet The Primal Blueprint  

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Comments 
Have you, by chance, seen your doctor about having mild depression? What you describe about the pain and the impenetrability of positive thoughts sounds familiar (I was diagnosed with Major Clinical Depression over 7 years ago). 
26 Jun 14 by member: kwidhalm
Yes, if you are experiencing depression, it might help to talk to someone. This is your "me" time. Do things you have always wanted to do. You can take new classes, go on trips, etc. So much out there to experience. When you feel good and do things you love, people tend to gravitate towards you and you may meet some wonderful friends. Take it one day at a time.  
26 Jun 14 by member: Suzi161
I think you were successful today. Only eating 4 pieces of bread! And you didn't go to the store to eat, and eat and eat!!! It sounds to me like progress from what you usually or used to do. And for the Hallmark calendars, throw them out. You can only control today, right now. Doesn't matter what you did or what you've planned. It's what you're doing at this moment that shapes your world and your future. We all have regrets in our life. No one is immune to that. But if we dwell on our past, on what could've been, we're held prisoner and not planning for the now or the future. And with internet, you're never by yourself. You can hook up with anyone, anytime, to play online games, converse, FS members. See the positive, and your thoughts will draw other positives, and you'll be happier. PS = I was a binge eater. It's terrible b/c you lose control. Don't keep anything that's junk in your house for the times that you lose control.  
26 Jun 14 by member: NowIunderstand
Hold onto your successes and make them important. You got to see your daughter! I have been working on alleviating my depression thru natural supplements and it takes time researching and keeping track of it all. You may want to visit a counselor to help you work it out. But I know about wanting to drown the pain in food and then a new pain develops. I care about you and I want you to make yourself, your health, and your weight important. Are there any Overeaters Anonymous groups near you? That keeps you busy and you get real hugs from people which I know I crave. I will keep you in my prayers sweetie! 
26 Jun 14 by member: Kris AZ
Ny_shelly, we really do care for you and hate to see that you are in pain. Your support was among the many bright and uplifting responses to my journal this week. I remember your words and I reread them today. I want you to believe those words that you left for me. You are important and worthy of the commitment to health. The temporary fix of food to mask dealing with emotions hurts more in the end. Find a way to connect with the real source of your pain. Find a way to start healing. Many hugs and support to you. ❤ 
26 Jun 14 by member: ChicaLean
I'm hopelessly unqualified to offer advice in this regard and I'm pretty much your run of the mill, Vulcan-like, non-empathetic guy. But I do know this: you can lose this weight. 
26 Jun 14 by member: Draglist

     
 

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