Tulipgirl6's Journal, 10 June 2014

I do understand this. My father lives to work. THAT is his enjoyment. He's made inroads to enjoying life on a level without work, but he will never retire and he's made that clear. Not because he can't, but because he can't fathom not working. That's his fun. As for control issues. My Ex had those. Not fun. He had unreal expectations of what I could accomplish with what little I could swing. I was the major income earner in that household yet year after year, the bulk of the costs would go to making him and his kid happy while my daughter and I were left out in the cold. When I finally separated finances, and left him to manage his own devices, he sunk pretty quickly and highly resented how my daughter and I were able to "live high on the hog" that killed our relationship. I'm not sure if any of this helps, but I just wanted you to know people have been where you are. Counselling may be a good idea, he will probably be very resistant, but I have found those that resist, resist because deep down inside they know they need to change and selfishly don't want to. Or want to even recognize that truth. 

Hugs to you both!  

Have your child buy him the song Cat's in the Cradle - It might help. Been in your shoes - find yourself.  

i think it goes green 3/4th of the way. 95.2 - 61.2 = 30/4= 7.5 61.2+7.5 = 68.7 not yet dear! 

WOOT!! WOOT!! almost in the green!!! Wishing you the best. Have had 2 ex's who were extrememly controlling. I finally flew from both after trying everything I could come up with, they weren't very co-operative. It's taken me years and I still have a road to travel to be my own person again.  

I really wish everything works out the best for you. I had an ex like that (my highschool & college sweetheart) both the controlling and living for what you can achieve instead of living for your family, friends and life. I think, as Alex said, your first step would be counseling and relationship training (my husband and I use to teach several relationship and communication courses for an outreach program here- it really is amazing what a little better communication can do for a relationship). If that fails or if he absolutely won't do it, then you obviously have to sit down and figure out what the next step is for you. Whether you are going to try and change yourself or your own outlook to be able to deal with him as he is, or choose another option. However things go we are all rooting for you and absolutely continue to use your journal here as a safe place to vent. I can't tell you how much it's been helping me lately to have this as a safe place ;-) 

.... and WOOT ON ALMOST GREEN!!!! 

thanks everyone! i have to meditate on all this; I am trying to adjust my outlook and expectations and not be so "sensitive" . . .. gross miscalculation! i have several pounds to switch to green, my mind is in the green zone but in about a pound or actually 2, I get to -50 pounds; i'm mixing up my mini-goals? but I just did the math . . . ..  

Marriage is hard work ...can be one of the most challenging relationships. Add raising children to the mix including the sacrifices we make and we can easily lose ourselves and our reason for being. Regardless, I would encourage you to be true to yourself. Your sanity depends on it. I won't profess to know the dynamics of your relationship ... you mention ego and control issues (and someone who is defined by his job). Your best bet is to work on your issues and yourself. As difficult as it might be, you may need to reconsider whether staying at home is ultimately going to work if you feel under valued. Tulip, only you will know what you are able to live with but here is one thing I know for sure ... you will be a better tulip, a better mom and a better everthing if you don't allow yourself to get lost in the cracks of your life. Maybe you need a sit down and have an open conversation with hubby especially since your expectations are not being met (perhaps you will discover some of his unspoken expectations and then the door an be open for compromises on both sides) If that conversation cannot happen constructively with him, have it with yourself so that you can be clear on how you want to live your best life and start charting that course. This is hard stuff but it is the truly important stuff. Don't get lost ... hang in there. 

Could you put the total for all of the bills, groceries, gas for vehicles, and the misc. things that you might buy (clothes, gifts for various occasions, eating out, etc.) on a spreadsheet or even write them out with the totals? I took over paying our bills a couple of years ago and when I put it all in black and white it was easier to see where all our money was going. Maybe if you show your hubby something like that it will click for him and he'll realize the "allowance" isn't reasonable. Maybe it will look more familiar to him, like work, and it might at least open the door for a conversation. Good luck!! 

Don't apologize for being so sensitive. Its who you are and you sound very nice. I know what you are saying. You can always vent but can you talk to him? And if that wont work I think counseling for both or just yourself if he wont go. You need to talk this out with someone who can help you help yourself. Good luck, I'll keep you in my prayers. 

My husband is similar, in many ways. And the budget is included. Pay your self first. Put some money back for yourself, and any bills that you don't have enough for, well, next time. Because, he's knows you are saving money already anyway. And , if you are not. He thinks you are anyway. My husband thinks I have thousands saved, when I buy the food, pay all the small bills, and buy the extras. He still turns to me every 3 or 4 months and say, I need a couple of thousands, you got any money. My answer now is "No". Keeping you broke is another way on controlling.  

Agree on the keeping you broke is controlling. Been there  

I have been there too. Just do what you can and what you can't he will have to deal with it 

Sounds like my parents, I hate how my father treats my mother sometimes since she stayed home to raise me and my siblings. But ironically my dad WANTED my mom to do that, and now today he treats her the same way your husband treats you =( My mom started to learn to just talk back at him. Not sure if thats a great idea, but you had HIS kids, he can at least treat you respectfully! 

That's what happened to me, and I am happily divorced. I couldn't get him to go to marriage counseling. His statement to me was, "I don't have any problems, but if I did, I wouldn't talk to a shrink about them." So I asked for a divorce about a year later when he was willing to go to keep from losing me, but I have to say, his behaviors, his jealousy and control issues, made me not love him anymore, and I felt I deserved better. I won't be a doormat for a man. It's not their "right" to treat you with such disrespect. 

ok every one of your comments rings true; how do you do an itemized budget when they are all variable expenses? all i know is I don't owe money so I don't go above my means! while I am very accommodating, my singlemindedness is intimidating; I think I end up cutting out my own things like clothes or pedicures or hair appointments .. . . I even think my losing all this weight and getting into shape, while he likes it, intimidates him; I mean my kids are not even aware of labels and trends or have cell phones for now; i have no idea how much i should be spending on their stuff. for me i try to buy nice things on sale . . . anyway, we are going to a dinner party; with family; be back later! 

Enjoy the dinner party ...... you need a bit of levity. Hugs for you. 

Hope you had a fun ending to your day. Seems like there are quite a few of us that have dealt with others trying hard to control our lives. Lean on us if you need to.  

Why not ask him to help you with the budget? Maybe he has no idea of the expenses you deal with, and maybe he needs to deal with the reality of what things cost. If you were not around and his only choice was to pay a nanny who would do all the things that you do, what do you think that would cost him? Men don't always realize a mother's worth or the amount of work she has to do. Hoping that your guy will come around and see the light. Is it possible to nudge him in that direction?