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Good morning everyone. The high of my successful weigh in on Friday was short lived. No rest for the wicked, am I right? Been carrying this around for a while now, I think I'm ready to share. Friday started off with my bomb ass weigh in, was followed up by an interrupted 5K as my son had diarrhea and we had to leave about twenty minutes into it. I didn't know that was the highlight of my day until my phone rang at 2:30, it was my brother. *Cue in scary movie music* (For new readers I will note that my brother is a heroin addict that has been in recovery for two weeks, about four hours away from home) He was bawling his eyes out, said that they rehab kicked him out and wouldn't let him go back. He begged me not to leave him there. He was calling from a tattoo shop, as he doesn't have a phone. I told him that I had to talk to our mother, because she had spoken with the rehab and I didn't actually know what was going on other than what he told me. He said he would call me back in an hour. I spoke with my mother, she said that he was not kicked out of the rehab, but rather he walked out and that he could go back any time. Right on cue my brother called me back to see if he had tricked me into coming to get him, undoubtedly so that he could come home and use again. The worst part was that this was my decision. It shouldn't have been, so much weight entirely on my shoulders. My mom blatantly said that she would do whatever I thought we should do. So what do I chose when he is threatening to end his own life over this? Leave him there and have him commit suicide and I have to live with the guilt. Bring him home and let him OD... live with the guilt. I went with my what my gut instinct was telling me, I told him I wasn't coming, and he was not happy to hear that. It was literally the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Of course he began blowing up mine and my mother's phones. We are 'fuckin bitches' who have turned our backs on him and he hates us. He is going to kill himself, or someone, he's never going to talk to us again. Everything is our fault... blah blah blah. I shut off my phone Friday evening, and it is still off right now. I can't hear it. When it comes back on my husband will go through my voicemail for me, there is no way I would be able to handle that type of emotional abuse. I must have made the right decision though, at about ten pm Friday night he showed back up at the recovery home. He is still relentlessly trying to bully my mom into going to get him, but she is holding her ground. The only person here that would go get him is his stupid dumb shit girlfriend, who is constantly texting my mom telling us that we are doing the wrong thing and that he needs to come home. Luckily, her car is a complete piece of shit that barely runs. This has been a nightmare, a living hell. I don't know what's next, but I think I've made a great step forward in refusing to support him in his addiction. I will not be bullied into doing what he thinks I should. Honestly, a big part of me wants absolutely nothing to do with him ever again and I know that I would probably be right to feel that way. I'm sick of this shit, and what's worse is that I'm sick of being made to feel this way.
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 Comments
You definitely made the right decision!! Stay strong!!
01 Jun 14 by member: PeachTeach525
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I think you did the right thing. If he doesn't want to help himself, there is nothing you can do to help him.
01 Jun 14 by member: Hezhturann
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Brava to you for standing up for yourself. When you learn to let go of the guilt (it's not easy) you will be truly free. It’s a difficult thing to do but you are not in control of his destiny. He has to make the decision to stay in the facility and get the help he needs. If you need to get a new cell number and it’s not too much of a deal get one. Best wishes for strength and peace for you.
01 Jun 14 by member: ChicaLean
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Good for you! That was a very brave thing you did, not everyone would have been strong enough. Sending you all my support!
01 Jun 14 by member: PepperMill
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FABULOUS job my friend. People do not change until they reap the consequences of their OWN actions. I know it is hard to let go but your brother has to manage for himself now. Your FS friends support you!
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Wow Yolanda! You made the right decision. You have to treat yourself well. I have a lot of suicides in the family. The thing we learned is that if they are talking about it, it most likely won't happen. If he was serious, he would have just done it so no body could interrupt his plans. This is not always true, but I found it to be mostly true. When he said that, he was just bullying you, and great job not succumbing to his ploys. Hugs to you...you are soooooooo strong and never forget it!
01 Jun 14 by member: jessabridge4444
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I'm so proud of you for having the strength to make that decision. I do believe it was the right decision. Hugs, Girl. I know it ain't easy.
01 Jun 14 by member: 2ManyCurves
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You have to take care of you. You are doing the right thing. Tough love sucks, but it's best in the long run. Wishing you the best of luck.
01 Jun 14 by member: ckunka
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It's amazing how some people want to manipulate and blame everything outside themselves for their own problems. I have been a "rescuer" and been used by so many people that I have basically turned my back on so called "friends" who never had time to help me or listen to me, but always wanted me to listen to them and help them out in a pinch. I got tired of them not being around for me or repaying money I had loaned them. I told my sister once that she may be my blood relative, but that didn't mean I had to love or like her treatment of me which was mostly verbal abuse. Once I saw a psychologist who pointed out to me how my sister manipulated me and tried to guilt trip me, I was finally able to stand up for myself and turn my back on her too. We talk but very infrequently, and she has alienated my two nephews and other relatives from me with her venom. I say you have to do what is best for YOU, and recognize the manipulation. It is, after all, their problem to get their life back on track. HUGZZZ!
01 Jun 14 by member: HtownMedicineWoman
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Aw sweetie, that sounds like a nightmare and you are making the tough choices. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? I bet you get tired of that little gem, lol. My husband's best friend killed two marriages over his addiction. He even took his newborn son to buy drugs, so his second wife won full custody (big surprise, right?) He moved away from the Vegas drug scene with his mom and stepdad, but then THEY decided to move back. He wanted to move in with us, but my husband decided no. His friend moved in with his sister. He was clean for a while and then he purchased a bus ticket to visit his older son, parked his van at the bus station and mysteriously DIED. We waited months and months for the autopsy result, but his sister was so overwrought that she wouldn't talk to any of us about it, which means we never found out the cause of death. So sad.
01 Jun 14 by member: gilliansings
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Yolanda, I am proud of you...you definitely have done the right thing, as hard as it is to do it. It's so sad and hard to go through but your brother has to take responsibility for himself. The phone calls from him are to try and bully you and your mother, play on your kindness and guilt, because he's wanting the easy way out which will in the end be just going back to using. It is a tough road for him for sure, but he has to travel that road if he really wants to be well and conquer his addiction. You have done the right thing and the healthy thing for both your mother and yourself. I have lived with someone who had addiction and depression issues. have been there with them through inpatient treatment, therapy, heard them say countless times how they would kill themselves and how nobody cared, so I know a good bit what it's like. For my own well being I had to accept there was only so much I can do and I'd do my best but I would not take responsibility for that person's actions or decisions or enable them to continue in ways that were unhealthy for both of us. Thank goodness they've come to the point of making some changes on their own accord. I hope that your brother comes to that point, my prayers are with you and you family.
01 Jun 14 by member: jmb3450
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Addiction is an evil EVIL disease. It makes really great people into folks that make your life a living hell. You did the right thing with your brother and I can only imagine what a hellacious decision process that had to be. Yolanda, does the rehab place or any country agencies have family counciling available? Reading your journey here and being able to support you is a privilege ...but it would be great if you had other outside support too.
01 Jun 14 by member: Vickie 5966
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You made the right decision. My own brother (about a year younger than myself) pulled this on my mother after he was in rehab for a few weeks. Unfortunately, despite my warnings, she decided to bring him home. He was there less than a day before he stole her car and most of her belongings and moved across the country. I haven't seen or spoken to him in 7 years, but my grandmother lives close to him and they have confirmed that he has never changed. It's so hard to watch someone you love become someone you can't even like, can't even spend time with because you know that they can only bring misery to your life. I miss my brother very much, he was my best friend in the world before everything happened, but the meth took over and he stopped being my brother. I hope that yours manages to get his life together because i know how hard it is and I would never wish that on anyone.
01 Jun 14 by member: Tyetuery
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You did the right thing... regardless. You guys have done everything you can. It's always finally up to the addict. :( The fact his was so angry and not resigned shows he was simply trying to manipulate you. Hang tough, kid. We're pulling for you, in so many ways. I'd give you a noogy and a hug if I could.
01 Jun 14 by member: northernmusician
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Hugs, you've done all you can. Continue to work one the most important person...YOU. Your family needs the best Yolanda. Your brother will make his choices and this is how it is.
01 Jun 14 by member: LadyBea40
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You did the right thing. He has to make the choice and take responsibility for his choices. Many addicts don't change because people keep bailing them out of their problems. It IS hard on the people who love them. Praying for your family. Hugs.
01 Jun 14 by member: foxymamachick
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Yolanda, HONEY, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING! I will continue to pray that you and your mom stand firm. Reassure mom that her son is in a battle for his life. And because the two of you also have pivotial roles in his recovery, you must stand unyielding and united. Mom is probably used to being a support system for him which is why she relies so heavily on you. (As you know, it's hard to think straight when this is someone you love...for mom, this is agonizing). I'm VERY proud of you, Sister Friend. You've handled this issue with grace while maintaining laser focus to achieve your personal educational and weight loss goals. How can you not feel self-assured and proud? You've heard the same iterations from many of your Buddies on this board. You are not alone! ((hugs)) and ((love))
01 Jun 14 by member: LuC2
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You totally did the right thing--addicts will lie and try to manipulate you and say or do anything to get a fix. Tough love is the best thing you can do. Support them in their recovery but don't do anything to enable them to continue to use. While it's not fair for you mom to rely on you to make the decisions, but she won't be doing him any favors if she helps him leave the recovery place. I've spent the last couple of years dealing with an alcoholic SIL. My husband and I tried for a year and half to get her into rehab. Until she wanted to get clean, it didn't work. She had to lose her job, lose her apartment and most of the contents, sell all her dead mother's jewelry and basically be left either going to rehab or being homeless, that she decided to get help. She is clean nine months now and doing great. But the best thing we did to help was to stop helping--not "loaning" her rent money anymore. Not letting her move in with us. It was hard because we are the only family she has, but you have to stay strong. Go to an Al-anon meeting or encourage your mom to do that--my SIL had a friend who was sober 10 years who gave us a lot of good advice about how to support her without enabling her. Sending hugs your way. I hope he gets clean.
01 Jun 14 by member: Logansmum2
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01 Jun 14 by member: dboza
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As many have already said...you did the right thing!
You and your mother cannot continue to support this addiction. That girlfriend is the real problem. You need to find a way to get her out of the picture or he will NEVER get better! I can't believe that the rehab place allows him to leave like that when he is in such a vulnerable position.
01 Jun 14 by member: kmunson
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