Second Journal:
Two small light bulbs glimmered this morning ~ one regarding exercise and the other regarding self esteem.
Translation: long journal. Standard caveat: read, don't read, whatever you please. I'm just working some crap out here.
Physical ActivityThe Roth book I'm reading suggested being physical NOT because of the exercise or weight loss, etc., but because 'moving is fun' and referenced 'remember how much fun you had moving as a child'.
No. I don't. I don't remember skipping or jumping rope or running or anything physically fun.
Now, I will concede that many of my childhood memories are well hidden from me to protect me ~ and probably the 'gee, this running around thing is fun' got tangled up in that. Short of extensive and expensive psychotherapy I'll probably never untangle that nor am I feeling the revelation will release me. But then, again, I don't know. I'm just journaling about it because I'm curious.
I remember working when I was young. I can remember standing on a step stool to reach the stove to cook bacon and eggs for my step-grandfather as young as five years old. I remember driving a hay truck as young as seven. Bussing tables and washing dishes as young as eight. And I was probably the only girl in the sixth grade who got a McCullough chain saw for Christmas so that I wouldn't have to trim limbs off trees with a hatchet anymore.
But no where in those memories do I recall 'running and playing'.
The earliest memory I have of failing at 'just pure activity' was probably junior high.. one of those 'obstacle course, can you run so you can at least get ONE PASSING GRADE this year' things... and I remember trotting around the entire track in last place but then stopping within 10 feet of the finish line. I even remember the P.E. Coach's sign of exasperation... 'Come on, Bella.... really?'
Now, I still played sports. Basketball and volleyball. I tried to be part of the crowd. I wasn't the 'oh, no, I can't do P.E. today because I have my monthly' girl. But I still sucked at it. I don't remember ...joy. I just remember bus rides and bench rides despite doing countless laps around the basketball court, duck walk and jumping jacks.
So whatever is locked in there.. and it's in there pretty deep because I walked on the treadmill an extra 20 minutes this morning just 'free thinking' and talking out loud trying to make 'some connection'... whatever it is taught me that 'physical activity is to be reserved for work'.
Because I am indeed happy to dig holes in my yard and I'll get downright indignant when someone tries to help me haul my cases of water in from the car now. At the grocery the other night the MANAGER of the store said to me.. as I pushed six cases in my cart (150lbs) thru the store "Next time you need this much water, Ms. Bella, let me know and I'll load it for you.' I politely thanked him and explained I considered this one of my favorite workouts.
Plus I'm totally looking forward to Monday - that customer who can't lift the heavy inventory is coming ... so I'll get to throw heavy bags at him again.
I pray gratitude that I can walk around town to run errands but to just 'walk for the sake of walking' or even when I'm riding my bike ... I am most content when there's a task involved.
So whatever 'it' is ... it revealed to me why *I* am not getting that addiction and euphoria so many of you experience regarding exercise. At least, NOT YET. I'm not ruling it out. I just feel good to get a glimpse of the answer. Until then.. I'm grateful for Netflix. It's the only thing I can mindlessly zone out to while walking 3 miles on a treadmill only to end up in the same spot as I began.
Self Esteem Back to the book, Roth explains that we sometimes have this negative talk going on inside because the DRAMA of it makes us feel alive. I totally GOT that because my Ah Ha moment connected with how many times I've commented that to be happy WHERE I am right NOW feels like I'm compromising. Settling. Giving up. Giving in.
All of that ... for me ... equated to 'death'. Or at least.. NOT ALIVE. And it was so .. I dunno... releasing? Revealing? Soothing? Reassuring? I'm running out of adjectives. It was GOOD to read it WASN'T just me or else Roth wouldn't have been writing about it in her book.
Sure, there's GOOD drama. Winning the lotto... getting a promotion... finding $5 in the pocket of an abandoned jacket. But obviously it became so much easier to keep the negative drama going on in between the positive drama that it becomes a very easy 'go to' on a day to day basis. Writing this now I'm realizing I need to reread the chapter on that and I will but I thought about it this morning and decided I am going to start making my own good Drama daily.
Whether it involves shouting in glee at the latest rose bud that bloomed or a GREAT cup of coffee... I'm going to find my happy drama.
And ... as I have long lived the quote 'Insanity is doing the same thing but expecting a different result...' well, I KNOW I am not finding happiness in a scale .. the size of jeans.. or being OCD about my intake. So those options are OUT.
I AM happy to be able to move more than I did two years ago. I AM happy to be able to walk to my errands and I'll eventually find a way to put an errand with the bike ride but until then I'll just ride for the idea that Mushy needs the fresh air. I am happy that I do feel better with the better nutrition I give my body now compared to two years ago.
Just as Roth wrote of herself... I too MUST realize I've done horrid things to my body... all for the sake of weight loss or just trying to be in control. The excesses and deprivation have taken their toll and I'll NEVER .. no matter how well I eat or don't eat or exercise or not exercise... I'll never RECOVER to have the body of a 20 year old. I am .. a living, breathing, aging, walking, talking organism. Time takes a toll. And I added much tax to this body and it's still with me.
Today... I'm happy. With myself. With what I can do. With what I choose to do. Today.
If that's a compromise akin to death ... so be it. Better than dying in turmoil.
Thank you for reading.
Bella
