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Good morning everyone, long time no see. My fault, of course. I have been very depressed and an all around miserable person. Not my usual self, to say the least. I had really severe anxiety all weekend leading up to my visit with my brother. I ended up leaving my husband and kids home because I didn't think I was ready for the kids to be there. It wasn't a bad visit. Brother dealing with a lot of severe depression, which is normal when you are coming off of heroin. It's a chemical dependency, and it takes a long time for the body to get back to functioning normally without it. I felt a little better after I saw him, but still had this pit in my stomach, the one that has been there since he left. Yesterday I woke up insane with anxiety/depression. I felt like I could hardly breathe all day. Then I got work that my brother had walked out of the rehab program. He blew up my moms phone all night wanting her to come get him, or wanting her to give his gf her van so she could come and get him. He is making her life a living hell saying things like "I hate you, I'm going to kill someone, I want to die". Right now he is back at the recovery home, I'm praying by some miracle that someone there would be able to talk some sense into him and he will stay, or that he will receive the letter I sent today and that will help, but I'm not holding my breath. I told my mom that if he comes home I never want to see him again. I literally cannot do this anymore. It's more than I can take. Today I am going to the gym to beat some of this depression out. I haven't been taking care of me and it's starting to make me feel crappy about myself. I can't give my best to my husband and kids when I'm giving all that I am to my brother and nothing to me. I can't say that it's been an all out binge fest, but I have gone against my better judgment numerous times in the food department, and almost seek out carbs. It was that or a cigarette, so I won't beat myself up too harshly as I chose the lesser of two evils. Friday is the official end of my no scale challenge, so we will see what we get. Right now I'm a little worried that my glycogen stores are pretty high due to all that carb loading, so hopefully a couple days at the gym will get me to a good place. The no scale challenge (not weighing in for six weeks) has taught me how to move past cheat meals or poor eating days without beating myself up. In the past I would go out to dinner, weigh myself the next day and beat myself up over any gain. This way I just do the best I can as often as I can, and keep on truckin even if I jack it all up. It's the same thing, without the guilt. On the other hand I can see how one could easily fall off and start to gain if one bad day least to three bad weeks. With or without the scale being successful is truly up to the individual. If I have gained over the last six weeks then it will be because I ate more than I burned, not because I didn't weigh in. As with this entire journey, it's just finding what works for each individual. I think in the future I might switch from weighing weekly to bi-weekly, or maybe even once a month if I'm feeling crazy. I do hope that all of my beloved buddies are well, and sincerely apologize for my absence. I will be getting caught up on journals as soon as I can. Have a wonderful day! PS- I found a wonderful home for my two male kittens. They are dearly missed, but I'm so happy for them at the same time. I had a woman interested in my black kitten, but I ended up turning her down because I have a bad vibe about it lol. My Black kitten doing her grumpy cat impression: Mike Honcho: My sister and I during the road trip to Indiana Monday:
Diet Calendar Entry for 28 May 2014:
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1276 kcal
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Fat: 47.07g | Prot: 124.01g | Carb: 79.16g.
Breakfast: Great Value Whole Wheat Bread, Bertolli Olive Oil, Egg, Coffee-Mate Original Powder Creamer. Lunch: Pork Chops (Top Loin, Boneless, Lean Only), Yoplait Greek 100 Yogurt - Strawberry, EAS AdvantEDGE Carb Control Shake - Rich Dark Chocolate. Dinner: American Value Green Beans (Canned), Knorr Rice Sides - Chicken, Kirkland Signature Boneless Skinless Chicken Thighs. more...
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 Comments
(((((((((((((Yolanda)))))))))))))) and then a million more for you.
28 May 14 by member: ClassicRocker
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Love the pics! the cats are too cute & your sister is adorable. She looks like a hug! This stressful time will pass, many {{{{hugs}}}} until it does.
28 May 14 by member: jessabridge4444
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I'm glad your brother went back to the recovery home, hopefully that's a good sign. Get that gym time in, beat something up, run until you can't run anymore, work so hard that you cry, do whatever you have to do for yourself to release some of that stress. Taking the time for yourself will be really helpful, so make the time and do it. I'm glad you've found homes for some of the kitties! You're doing a great thing with them. :)
28 May 14 by member: mars2kids
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That's very stressful. Chin up girl that things will get better. Focus on you now and work off some depression. Glad you are finding home for the kittens! Take care!
28 May 14 by member: aggie95
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That is so tough Yolanda. I can’t imagine having to deal with emotional strain that an addict can send someone through. He will be abusive but try to remember it is not him it is his dependency. And if you need space from the situation you need to take it. Take care of yourself in the midst of all the madness. Peace and happiness is something you deserve and I hope you find it soon. Have hope for your bro but don’t lose yourself in the process. Sending love, hugs and support your way.
28 May 14 by member: ChicaLean
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Wow, I'm sorry to hear about the roller coaster you're on. But please remember to take care of yourself throughout all of it. Your health, both physically and mentally, is your greatest investment. Sending so much support your way! <3
28 May 14 by member: PepperMill
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Beautiful picture of you and your sister! I'm glad your mom didn't drive down and pick your brother up...or lend the van to the girlfriend. Hopefully, your brother will learn that with recovery you have to let go of the people who bring out your inner demons (ie., the girlfriend). He will have a tough road ahead of him. I just hope that you can deflect some of the stress that he is putting on his family. Hugs, Girl! Now get your booty to the gym!
28 May 14 by member: 2ManyCurves
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Please try to remember too, that when you're dealing with your brother, your not really, your dealing with the drugs and the drugs that have invaded his body. It will take a long time for 'your brother' to surface. I do hope that you and your family stay strong and stay healthy mentally and physically. That's the best thing you can do for him right now. He thinks the world revolves around him and nothing else and this is part of H addiction, it's private drug, not a party drug and makes you withdraw into the world of 'you'. I'm praying that he stays in rehab!
And you're bang on when you acknowledge that your kids and family deserve the whole you, and you too!!
28 May 14 by member: mummydee
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Hi Yolanda, Please consider checking out ALANON.ORG It is for the family and friends of alcoholics. It is for YOU, not the user. To learn how to deal with the issues by taking care of yourself first. I know your brother is a heroin user, but the principles are the same, whatever the substance. Please hang in there and keep doing what you need to do to take care of YOU. Remember the Four C’s: “You Didn’t Cause It, You Can’t Control It, You Can’t Cure It. BUT, You DON’T Have to Contribute To It! I hope this helps ♥
28 May 14 by member: pdiberna
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Awww, your baby sister is so cute! I am so sorry to hear that your brother had a slip up and that he caused so much stress to you, your mom and the whole family. I assume that your mother had to give a firm "no" to the request that she pick him up - and that must have taken strength. If the gf would have been willing to do it she is just NOT a good influence. You don't enter a rehab center on a whim, and you shouldn't leave on a whim either. I am glad he went back and I sure hope they have the tools to help him get through this and become his real self again. I agree that the no-scale challenge has helped me with the guilt/beating myself up if I have a bad diet/exercise day. Now I see the big picture a little bit more and don't necessarily think of those days as "setbacks" but just another part of the journey. Thinking that way seems to help prevent those little slip ups from turning into give ups. Glad you are finding homes for some of your kittens - although I will always think of you as a crazy cat lady. :) You are so strong and I know you will get through this rough patch with your brother. Remember to practice gratitude and try to accept that you can't change his actions, no matter how much you worry. Find someone to lean on - be it buddy, hubby, grandma, kitty, or your baby sis. (Sorry this is so long! <3 <3 <3)
28 May 14 by member: megmonster
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You're in my thoughts today. I also have a brother with similar issues, I can hear your pain. Take care of yourself
28 May 14 by member: ennaejay
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Catching up kiddo. Such a busy time and heavy load you're carrying. I'm so surprised that treatment center is allowing phone calls right now - this is the most insane time to talk to a person - as you know, sorry. Prayers coming to you. Love the kitty and sister pics. Gorgeous... all of you.
28 May 14 by member: FullaBella
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Hope you can feel the LOVE from Minnesota! Remember the most important family are your hubby and kids. That deserve a happy Mom that has worked so hard on overcoming your own demons. You can't take the demons out of your brother...he has to do the battle himself. Can you as family get his gf on a list of people that he cannot see while he is in rehab? she is his enabler the way it sounds. He needs to be there long enough for all those drugs to be flushed out of his system.
28 May 14 by member: kmunson
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Very cute kitties! Hugs to you! Take care of yourself, you're family needs you. Good luck. Things will get better.
28 May 14 by member: springskinny
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So happy you are finding loving forever homes for the kitties. I hope the scale is kind to you and if it isn't nice just know that we are all here along with you in this journey. I am also happy that you've decided to place yourself first ahead of your brother's issues because we all have things we need to work on and some things have to be dealt with personally. You have done what you can, now it is his turn to finish his journey. Stay strong my friend. 😃
28 May 14 by member: LadyBea40
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I am sad to hear of the trials that your family is facing as part of your brother's addiction and potential/ongoing recovery.
I don't know a whole lot about "recreational" drugs and drug abuse/ chemical dependency other than it can be really pervasive, destructive and insidious. I am glad for your family and your mom on your brother's behalf that she didn't relent when he was trying to escape the rehab program.
I understand that he is used to escaping pain and difficult choices because that is what he's been doing for so long, but what your mom did is one of the things that is most helpful to him now because she is not facilitating his unhealthy habits. I imagine you are rightfully proud of her. Please help remind her that she is doing a good thing because your brother will do everything he can to manipulate her and the rest of your family into making things easier for him/ avoiding fighting his own addiction. He is very fortunate to have the loving family he has, and I can't quite imagine how hard this is for you with him behaving in foolish ways because of his warped priorities and addiction.
Good job finding new homes for the kittens. You sound like a really loving person and I admire your strength and compassion putting others welfare before your own. I think the earlier suggestion to connect with a support group like alanon is a good one. That is a good way to love all of your family (Dh, kids, brother, sibs, parents and yourself). I also second the earlier comment about the cute photo of you and your sister. I am glad that you have better relationships with other members of your family. I think that that may ultimately help your brother too to be able to see genuine love among the rest of the family. Perfect love casts out fear and one doesn't get wrapped up in addiction without fear or anxiety of something. I will pray for you and your family to have the strength, love and patience to stand together and resist the negative influence of your brother's addiction. G-d bless you Yolanda! Have a good time at the gym!
29 May 14 by member: MrsTofu
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