Ms Elizabeth's Journal, 23 April 2014

So I got to thinking today.. my preteen and I seem to be at a communication impass. I ask for things to be done and she ignores me.. or does them so badly I stop asking her. Then theres the attitude.. and the emotions.. and me attempting not to strangle her. Then there's the yelling. The groundings. Finally last night I took away her ipod FOREVER. She was disrespectful to the farm hand and told him he couldn't tell her what to do. He's an adult.. he did her chores for her and in exchange asked her to push some loose hay into a cart. Not slave labor.. she backtalked and didn't do it. So? She was already grounded a month and a half from the ipod because she kept extending how long she lost it for attitude, being disrespectful, and just plain doing things she shouldn't do.. so I took it away. FOREVER. She doesn't get it. She keeps asking what she can do to earn it back. Not that she's done anything in attempt to earn it back in the last month and a half.

So I decided to look for a few books to give me an idea on some different ways for us to communicate. I've tried a few. The hard you do what you're told, asking what she needed from me to help her behave, the reward system.. *snort* but she never got to the reward... She's smart, create, and stubborn as crap. After looking for a few books... I'm now convinced the human race is going down the crapper.

Seriously?!?! "Reduce your teenagers stress.", "How to keep the baby girl in your teenager.", "Don't let your emotions rule your teenagers life."

Where are the books "A monster ate my daughter and turned her into a teenager." "How to deal with backtalk in a way that won't land you in prison." ?????? What the heck?? I was scared to death my parents would beat me to death if I pulled any of this crap and they never really touched me.. I just knew they could! Now I'm suppose to talk calmly and reasonably and explore my daughters emotions when I ask her why she disrespected an adult or went into my room and took my things without permission? No... I'm taking away Ipods. FOREVER! They say you can't beat your child anymore. No one said anything about Ipods, fancy shoes, or cool clothes. Next step.. potato sacks with baler twine for a belt. That's probably abuse too.. they might be rough on her skin. *smacking head*

Diet Calendar Entry for 23 April 2014:
360 kcal Fat: 20.00g | Prot: 16.00g | Carb: 30.00g.   Breakfast: Kwik Trip Sunrise Breakfast Pizza. more...

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Comments 
I feel there is a difference between unable to communicate and someone (like your daughter for instance) choosing not to make the effort to communicate. My oldest son is autistic, that is unable to communicate. What many teenagers do (and face it, we all were that kid at least once) is choose not to or not to want to communicate. They don't want to put in the effort or deal with the consequences so it's easier to blow off communication. Try putting your daughter in a situation where she must communicate each day. Take ten minutes of sitting down calmly with her alone (I know time is scarce, especially on a farm, but 10 minutes can be found) each day and saying how did things go? Did you do what you were suppose to? Why or why not? What are the consequences for doing them or not doing them? By outlining things for just a few minutes each day it may help to keep channels open and lead to a better understanding of the hows and why for her. By reiterating the good and the bad each day it may effect an overall understanding of why she should be doing the good more. The sit down and talk each day for a few minutes is something my husband and I use to teach as a family and relationship communication skill when we were teaching at risk families communication and life skills here in town (it's also something we practice ourselves with both each other and each of our boys, daily). I hope things get better soon. 
24 Apr 14 by member: FitOKay
Your required to keep them safe in your hom, warm, and fed. You want results? Tell your husband to take the freaking door off her bedroom and when she gets home from school tell her how she gets it back. THAT WORKS!!! There is nothing that requires you to provide privacy. By the way. One of the requirements is civility. 
24 Apr 14 by member: northernmusician
I didn't have to do it but phase two would have been my favourite reading chair in her room, which I would have regularly occupied. 
24 Apr 14 by member: northernmusician
I have to laugh. You just described my life exactly, except I have 2 doing it & mine is TV & Cell Phones & Computer access. I know it is wrong, but it makes me feel better knowing that there are others in the same boat! 
24 Apr 14 by member: AngelJG2
Oh Darling, I have a 21 year old that treated me like dirt from pre teen on until about a year ago. She is her Dad's precious...so I was not allowed to do what I wanted to her. She finally seems to be realizing that I am not "that" bad. However, she is still somewhat embarrassed of me. Now I have another 14 year old at home. Completely obsessed by the IPOD. When she acts up she loses that IPOD, her phone and anything else I can lay my hands on. I would never try the forever thing. It is not sustainable. If she doesn't have a hope of getting it back then it will not work in my experience. I would set up some pretty strict rules that she has to adhere to so she can earn it back. That will give you the daughter that you expect...and she can learn that you are rewarded for good behavior. However, also set it up that she loses things if she back slides. The door off her room is a great idea. Also taking away all of her clothes and setting it out for what she has to wear everyday for a while. That will drive her bonkers. As she behaves then she can earn her clothes back first, then the door and finally the IPOD. If not...too bad then she did not deserve them. 
24 Apr 14 by member: kmunson
I stalled on the exact same weight for 18 straight days! But finally I am losing again. Stay the course 
24 Apr 14 by member: hregaloaks
You get smarter once your kids have moved out of the house and they start paying their own bills. 
24 Apr 14 by member: northernmusician
You guys just remind me of why I should not have kids. 
25 Apr 14 by member: Chickturu
You should definitely have kids . Raising them is a challenge definitely but they are your life . Dont give in to their tantrums but make them learn to earn 
25 Apr 14 by member: namramn1
Please don’t give in to the tantrums. Stand your ground. However there are many lessons for her to learn here. Consequences, love, patience, consistency and forgiveness. I know it gets tiresome but at some point you have to hit the reset button. When you find yourself going over a month of punishments and nothing seems to work or get better you have to pause and start over. Sit down and have a heart to heart (calmly). Let her know that you do not desire to keep her grounded, that you only want her to get it. That it is important to her very own future that she learns how to treat others and it starts at home. That you have a job to do and you are trying your best to do it well. However, you were a child before and you understand why she is trying so hard to be independent and strong. because you are independent and strong. Furthermore, You think it is just as important to start over. That the rules remain the same and the you are reducing her punishment to a week or 2. In that period, you expect to see changes, because nothing in life will be given to her. That for the rest of her life, she will have to earn everything she will ever possess. Also, that life is not as forgiving and in the real world, when you go against the grain it makes life that much harder. Respect, and discipline goes a long way and there is no need to fight. You guys are in this together and bla bla bla bla bla…. I can go on forever and ever. But when you are talking to her, try to reach her heart. and get her input. Ask her what she thinks need to be done. Not because you need adice from her, but so she can be heard and so you can reason with her. I have an adopted daughter and a step daughter. I have had the worst experiences and the heart to heart talks is the only thing that worked. We had to do this many times. We had to start over many times, but it was necessary. We still go through things, but they know how far to go with me. I am respected for never changing with them and they know deep down that I care about what they think and feel. Sorry this post is so long, but I have felt the woes of parenting and it can be very stressful. I really hope this helps  
25 Apr 14 by member: ayot6
LOL Chickturu! One of my best decisions was not having kids. They are not for everybody! 
25 Apr 14 by member: jessabridge4444
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