FullaBella's Journal, 14 March 2014

Friday morning - March 14th. Something has Mushy’s tummy upset so she had me up every hour on the hour last night wanting to ‘go out’. She’s been sick a couple of times; I wonder what my little ‘hoover’ sucked up from the floor now? So I’m watching her do the ‘restless pace’ while writing this so I apologize for making less sense than usual.

Your kind thoughts, support and encouragement on my journal yesterday were so appreciated, as always. I read them all, several times and plan to revisit them many more. Thank you for being my friends and for helping me find my way back home. Not all of the reminders come from your comments on my journal though; many of them come from reading yours as well and remembering ‘we’re all in this together, we’re not alone, together we share and get better.’

The 10lb bounce is still gone (and the snug jeans fit without the muffin top) and while I do agree weighing weekly instead of daily may have eliminated that ‘panic’ (and probably will return to weekly) I think this served as a well timed wake up call. While the ‘scale’ was false it made me take inventory and find ways to ‘get a little bit better’.

I’d felt discouraged thinking the EWYL plan failed for me; or that I had failed it. I didn’t want to return to recording a calorie restrictive obsessive WOE. But in the light of day with your feedback I did have to climb out of the river of denial about some of my current habits.

I had been telling myself ‘well, at least I’m not drinking a bottle of Crown Royal and eating an entire pizza in one setting’ as I did in the past BUT it is the little things that add up. Two tablespoons of peanut butter instead of one. Adding dulce de leche and cherry preserves with it as a topper for nightly oatmeal. Grabbing a bite of cheese walking thru the kitchen. The midnight munchie madness.

I haven’t done the PB&J for nearly two weeks but I’m having to accept the cumulative calories night after night, week after week, were not only contributing to my ‘flatline of weight loss’ but moreover, they were just another bad habit as I was eating out of routine rather than hungry.

I had been justifying it all to myself that it was one of those moments when I was in ‘charge’. Making the EWYL choice to eat even when I knew I wasn’t hungry, it was just something I wanted. But every night? Not quite. I wasn’t in charge anymore; I was eating from routine. Time to revisit the book and rework the chapters.

Other things, like, three and four cups of coffee in the morning with coconut oil instead of just the first one. Sure it tastes great and is good for me, but in moderation. Another compulsive trait I’d picked up from my Mother, “if a little is good, a whole lot is better.’ If the bottle read ‘take two tylenol’ she’d take four or five… for good measure.

Another: tuna in oil rather than water. My whole 'dieting' life has been 'tuna in water' but accepting that 'there's a good fat' had me going for the oil based every time. Again, if a little is okay, I'd have more. Illogical. So I'm going to start alternating it.

ATF? A couple of days now of really clean eating; fresh salads with wine vinegar dressing and grilled chicken. I’ve been very restrictive on intake of everything (except water - I've been in camel mode sucking it up by the pints all day) as I am considering this my ‘Spring Cleaning’ of sorts. I probably won’t stay this low; it isn’t healthy in the long haul; but I know a few days won’t kill me.

And perhaps it will give me that kickstart to stop being so complacent. I think that’s the hardest part of the past few days. I’d really thought I loved myself unconditionally at this size. I’d been really happy with myself. If one single bad reflection in a glass window can shatter a years worth of work, well, second verse same as the first. I do still love myself; I do still recognize what I've achieved. But maybe that reaction was 'you can do a little better, why aren't you trying?'

Deep tissue massage yesterday. When I can relax and just get lost in the process by meditating it triggers ironic flashes of the past. The present day agenda slips away and is replaced by memories of people and situations from days to decades ago. It’s as if those memories are stuck in certain muscles and the masseuse pushes their button. Yesterday was like watching clips of my life pass before my closed eyes in the form of an old microfiche machine. Jagged, flashing, noisy unpleasant snippets of times I’d rather forget.

I didn’t like it so I would force myself to try to remember happier times from those archives to benefit the massage. When I meditate I try to imagine warm, comfortable relaxing surroundings; usually something like a boat drifting on gentle waves as I try to release the tightness in my body. I know my life has had many good and blessed times and did not want my 90 minutes eaten up by negative memories.

But the ‘blast from the past’ continued to take center stage and I finally just let it roll, I took a deep breath followed by a long exhale and imagined the therapist was lining them all up one by one to march them out of my body. Be gone, my little soldiers of sadness. Consider this your honorable discharge. I don’t need to carry you along in my body and memories any more. There’s a new regime in charge.

In a way, it worked because suddenly dates and times from the past became clearer in ways I couldn't recall them before now. I recognized I did not regain all of the weight in the 18-24 months last time. It was later. With my mind relaxed and letting the past flow I recall a slow regain starting at 18 months.. a pound here or there but nothing I worried about. That was about the time I began my addiction to protein bars and would sleep eat all night.

But, meh, five pounds after losing 150lbs? No problem. Sure my size 2's were snug but I could still button them. No big deal.

But then it was five more, another five, and by mid 2008 I’d regained it all. In about two years, not six months.

Point? I pray ‘this’ panic and my reaction to it, deciding to take stock and reverse it now rather than denying or accepting it will be another good habit. I’d given myself a 7lb bounce buffer for water weight and didn’t talk myself out of the 10lb with ‘it’s only 10, water, blah blah’. I focused. I don’t think I’ve been eating ‘too much’ but I do accept I’ve been eating ‘more than I need’ and now is as good a time as any to stop that train before it builds up to full steam.

So, I'll return to recording (and measuring) food a while. Play around with the pie-chart and give myself a refresher course in nutrition. Relearn the difference in 'satisfying hunger' versus mindless routine eating.

Here’s to another day of clean eating and cleaner thoughts.

Bella




Diet Calendar Entries for 14 March 2014:
1989 kcal Fat: 113.13g | Prot: 116.74g | Carb: 120.63g.   Breakfast: Whole Milk, Coffee-Mate Sugar Free Hazelnut Liquid Coffee Creamer, Spectrum Organic Virgin Coconut Oil. Lunch: Shoulder Pork Roast, Iceberg Lettuce (Includes Crisphead Types), Tomatoes, Cucumber (with Peel), Celery, Radishes, Balsamic Vinegar. Dinner: Quick Pork Soup. Snacks/Other: Smucker's Strawberry Jam, Nestle Dulce De Leche, Smart Balance All Natural Rich Roast Creamy Peanut Butter. more...
1800 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...

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Comments 
That is great, Bella, that the weight gain and your reflection has motivated you to do better, rather than worse. Do you know how awesome that is?? That is the right attitude of a winner and is a sign that you will maintain your weight loss, because that is the attitude of people that maintain their weight loss for life. Everyone experiences difficulties in their weight loss/maintenance journey, but it's how they deal with it that determines their fate. We all need a reality check sometimes, because it's easy to become complacent after a while. The reality check can allow us to get back on the right track again. I'm so glad you don't feel alone in your weight loss journey and that you leaned on others to help you through your bad feelings. That's what we're here for. I'm especially glad that you're back and stronger than ever. Keep up the great work and the rewards will happen. :) 
14 Mar 14 by member: ChristyLA
Aw, I hope Mushy feels better soon. It's so hard when they can't tell you what's wrong! You're doing a good job re-evaluating your modus operandi. EWYL is a great philosophy but the hard part is the keeping mindful of our hunger levels. Learning to pay attention to whether we are physically hungry and eating slowly enough to be able to sense the first sign of satiety doesn't come easily after a lifetime of tuning it all out. But I am confident you will get in touch with yourself again. I think it would be prudent of us all to do regular evaluations of what we are doing - what works and what doesn't. And when we aren't making the progress we want, we know something has to change. Recording sucks but I think it's a necessary evil that we must endure, at least once in while. Without it, it's too easy to fool ourselves that "it isn't us". You've got this!  
14 Mar 14 by member: evelyn64
You are such an inspiration Bella!!! Your strength and self awareness always makes me want to be better!!  
14 Mar 14 by member: Rubie-sue
I'm OK with eating the whole pizza, but I just don't think it goes well with Crown Royal. That's what beer was made for. :) Confession is good for the soul, but Obsession doesn't help at all. You've got the right idea, just take a step back, take a look at the little changes that occurred over time to make you drift, and make a course correction. Size 2? Wow! Give yourself a break. 
14 Mar 14 by member: DairyKing
Good morning, sunshine! I love your reflections, often it helps me because when I can relate it inspires me to reflect as well. You voice it all do well, very grateful for your talent with words :-). Flashbacks of negative moments in the past? I am haunted as well. Those moments often come to me at night, every mistake, every little thing I could have done better comes back to haunt me. In all reality these things are not big, mostly things from my childhood. In that moment it feels earth shattering, but I do my best to remember that those things happened in the past, and I can only change now. I guess the way things are with my siblings leaves me feeling like there should have been something more I could have done, but I know thats not true. Nobody can carry such a heavy load all the time without having to feel the weight every once in a while I suppose. You have sone a wonderful job of recognizing your errors and correcting them before they had a significant impact. That is a huge step in the right direction. Im glad that you have also recognized that there was no magical point in time where you clicked your heels together and *boom* you were heavy again. It truly is a choice to let ourselves slide back into old habits and being aware of that is ninety percent of the battle. Your reevaluation and diet tweeks are going to yeild positive results. :-) Hope Mushy feels better soon. My dip shit dog ate three chicken bones and was sick for a week. His name is Hoss, im sure you wont need an explanation why lol. Have a wonderful day!! 
14 Mar 14 by member: Annabelle3117
Well done...you've inspired me now to not eat that evil double chocolate chip muffin sitting in my kitchen! Seriously, you do truly inspire me to stay on track, so thank you for that.  
14 Mar 14 by member: Josie Ann
Good morning, Bella. You're sounding better and more on track with yourself today. Good for you!! I'm going to try the "honorable discharge" thing the next time I have a massage; it may take more than one to exorcise my group and if it does, that's okay too. You continue to inspire me with your journey. I do hope Mushy feels better today. It's hard to see the furbabies not feeling good. Keep us posted. Have a good day. Onward. 
14 Mar 14 by member: kclab
Good morning, Bella. You're sounding better and more on track with yourself today. Good for you!! I'm going to try the "honorable discharge" thing the next time I have a massage; it may take more than one to exorcise my group and if it does, that's okay too. You continue to inspire me with your journey. I do hope Mushy feels better today. It's hard to see the furbabies not feeling good. Keep us posted. Have a good day. Onward. 
14 Mar 14 by member: kclab
Good morning! I hope mushy feels better soon. You sound like you're doing better though. You've got this honey. Your stronger than you know, smarter than you think, and if I had to bet money I'd say you could kick your own butt if you needed to.  
14 Mar 14 by member: Ms Elizabeth
Thanks Fulla. The way you write inspires me. I'm a Crown fan too. And thanks Evelyn: I eat because of the clock not because of hunger, and wolf it down quick as I can. I appreciate your comment. I'm on the road again for 1 more week (work). Hungry & slowly will be my motto. 
14 Mar 14 by member: Lindalindalinda
Yeah for no muffin top :-). Awww... Poor little guy, I hope his tummy gets better soon. We all have to go back to a measuring, weighing and recording session, sooner or later... At least you recognise the need :-) 
14 Mar 14 by member: Sk1nnyfuture
And she's back… that's my Angel… healthier & stronger than ever! I'm so happy to hear the serenity in your words (I love knowing you pray for it with me each day)! And, I think you're taking a mindful, thoughtful approach. Yes, of course, you should continue to eat what you love, but a check on where you are nutritionally just may give you the peace of mind to truly enjoy the food & help free you from the fear of regaining the weight you've lost. Have a great weekend, my awesome friend, and hope Mushy is feeling better soon & you both get a peaceful nights rest tonight! xoxox 
14 Mar 14 by member: Ruhu
You sound good Bella. You might want to take Mushy to the vet if she still wants to go out a lot. She could have a kidney infection or something that needs looking after. Make sure she isn't getting dehydrated, too. Hard to know what to do with the little things when they can't talk. Have a great weekend. Hugs! 
15 Mar 14 by member: Mom2Boxers
Poor Mushy!!! So glad you bounced back this week!! Perhaps it is psychological but I had my own little eat until I was MUCH TOO FULL last night. I was really tired. I made a conscious decision. What I didn't do was weigh this morning!! Probably won't for a few days either. No sense in stressing myself out, right? The massage? Wonderful!! Take care of you Bella ... you are MOST definitely worth it!!  
15 Mar 14 by member: madaboutmoose
Poor Mushy!!! So glad you bounced back this week!! Perhaps it is psychological but I had my own little eat until I was MUCH TOO FULL last night. I was really tired. I made a conscious decision. What I didn't do was weigh this morning!! Probably won't for a few days either. No sense in stressing myself out, right? The massage? Wonderful!! Take care of you Bella ... you are MOST definitely worth it!!  
15 Mar 14 by member: madaboutmoose

     
 

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