jsfantome's Journal, 25 January 2011

Spent some time thinking today, while I was feeling lousy, and trying to sleep..


Thought a lot about some of the earlier events in my life that have played a role in weight issues. Feeling insecure. Low self esteem. Being sexually abused. Devistated by divorce. Rejected. And even writing some of them down, they kinda all string together. My weight - up til now, has always been tied to my emotions. To my circumstance. In the up's and down's of life...I would get down, I would eat to console myself, I would gain... I would hit my limit... strengthen myself mentally, and make some changes. And my weight would come back down. For awhile, and until the next series of events sent me reeling into a pan of baked mac and cheese! Or a banana split!

I had been in a decent place for quite some time before this last episode of weight gain. I had allowed a part time job to turn into a full time job, and then was finding myself out of the house 50-60 hrs a week, every week. Gave up the gym. Too tired. And felt caught up in the 'old shoe' mentality of marriage. Everything was comfortable. And I got very lazy.

Then overnight, my world changed. And both my parents took ill at the same time. Months later my Dad had died, my mom was just barely coming home from the Rehab hospital...I was grieving, I was scared I would be losing my Mom as well, ... and I hadn't seen my family in months. Food was again my friend.

When I woke up to see the light of day...I was 205 lbs. Now, that's the highest weight I had ever been. I realize for some reading this, you are still working your way to that number...but it's only a number. The point is I woke up and realized I needed to stop hiding from the pain in my life.

I have worked on restoring friendships, my marriage relationship, forgiving my abuser, forgiving my ex, and forgiving myself. I have searched for the positive things in my life again. Things that bring me joy. or peace. or love.

Every day of this journey, I have always been keenly aware that "it" can all change in an instant! It... LIFE. My Dad's death was because of poor health, and poor eating choices. And the affect of food on his body. I wanted to get healthy again. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And it was work. But I have come a long way.

I told Raven today, that there was a "new you" starting to poke through. That's what I meant. When you start to get healthy, ...in your mindsets, in your emotions... you become a brighter, stronger, happier person. The mechanics of losing weight...they're still there. And it requires a lot of diligence, and faithfulness to yourself...but it's doable. Like I have said before, if you can lose one pound... you WIN! You just have to repeat that...however many times it takes to get to YOUR goal weight.

I used to write this kind of stuff in my old group...and I miss that. So I am going to start writing again...just will do it in my journals I guess.

Hope you all have a great week. Spend some time thinking about how you got on this journey...and what you are learning along the way! That's some of the best parts!!! Learning new stuff about yourself. Seeing yourself succeeding! Loving yourself, because you are WORTH IT!