mrsmole's Journal, 01 March 2014

Does anyone remember the Grimm's fairy tale Rumpelstiltskin? It was the one about the miller's daughter who who had to spin the hay into gold "or else"? They locked her in the room and she cried all night because she had no clue how to do it. A little troll came in and said he'd do it if she gave him her first born. She was like, "Sure, why not!" So she promised, and he did it and she married the king. Later, she had to guess his name, so she wouldn't have to give up her child, but I digress.

The point is, sometimes I feel like the miller's daughter from Rumpelstiltskin. When I set off to do something, just lock me in the damn tower and come back the next morning. Don't ask me how I spun the hay into gold. Don't ask me if it cost me my first born. Don't micromanage, don't ask me to "show my work". You want it done? Tell me what to do, how long I have, then leave me alone.

Weight loss feels that way. I'm doing what I have to do. Very little of it is pretty. The writing down of every single bite. Resisting temptation at every turn. Sometimes I cry or punch my pillow. Sometimes I get hungry and I KNOW it's in my head! I know I just ate and I cannot possibly be hungry. When I think about the ways I cope and the things I do to get through each day, I think about Rumpelstiltskin: Hay into gold. That's all that matters. Cross the finish line. Get there. Who cares how. Cry, punch pillows, write your journal, punch the bag at the gym, get pissed off, whine, complain, do what you gotta do, but get it done.

Does anyone else feel like the miller's daughter? Do you sometimes feel like others in your life (with the possible exception of those of us here on FS) have NO IDEA what it takes for you to lose weight? If so, please share so I don't feel like the only one locked in to tower sitting in the middle of a pile of itchy hay.
229.5 lb Lost so far: 50.5 lb.    Still to go: 49.5 lb.    Diet followed 100%.

Diet Calendar Entries for 01 March 2014:
1025 kcal Fat: 11.92g | Prot: 43.57g | Carb: 167.09g.   Breakfast: Ensure High Protein Shake - Creamy Milk Chocolate. Lunch: Campbell's Condensed Tomato Soup, Vlasic Dill Pickle Spears. Dinner: Tomatoes, BelGioioso Fresh Mozzarella Cheese, Dried Prune, Watermelon. Snacks/Other: Dried Prune, Twizzlers Sugar Free Twizzlers, Lifesavers Pep-O-Mint Mints, Lifesavers Sugar Free Pep-O-Mint Mints. more...
2536 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 8 hours, Resting - 16 hours. more...
on diet mrsmole's own diet  

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Comments 
This made me feel loads better. I got lulled into a message of "if your hungry something is wrong" Now it is painful both mentally and physically to be hungry and I feel like an over-emotional toddler sometimes. You are definitely not alone. 
01 Mar 14 by member: acasmierasolo
You're right that hunger is sometimes so much "in your head". Thank you for saying that. :) 
01 Mar 14 by member: mrsmole
OMG...is that YOU on the other side of the room looking at the stack of hey ? I thought you were a figment of my imagination thank god you are for real ! I find that the only people who know how difficult it is to lose weight are those who are seriously trying to lose it. Oh we have those who say they want to lose it, yes plenty of those around. We also have those who say the tried and can't lose it, even more of those around but those who know they have to lose it and are doing something about it, well, not many around but they will be the first to tell you it is not easy and even seems impossible at times. The fact is that is IS possible, it can be done but not without commitment, dedication and massive amounts of will power. You Mrs Mole, have all those attributes and in abundance even though at times it is hard and that hunger thing attempts to throw you off track. May I suggest you format the head drive and reinstall the dedication I just know you can do it.  
01 Mar 14 by member: Bwy39
I'm definitely in the same boat... I mean tower room... that you have found yourself in. No one seems to understand what LC means. 'Oh, you can eat a little of this.. or that.. it won't hurt you"... Sound familiar? Oh well, we just try to be strong. I figure if I want to eat something that is wrong for me I will, but I don't want anyone tempting me to do the same... Is that wrong of me? Maybe, but it's the way it is, so I live with it. I told my friend that I had eaten that jack-in-the-box bacon insider... She said 'Good'... so if I eat something that is bad for me.. she thinks it's good? Oh well... Can you feel me sitting here beside you in the tower? 
01 Mar 14 by member: dboza
LOL. Love the computer analogy. This post is not meant to be a slip, or a lull in my will. If anything, it's a re-affirmation of just what it takes to get the job done. Thank you for saying out loud what I keep thinking each time someone says, "Oh, I'm trying to lose weight." I want to say, "No you're not, if you aren't logging every single bite." But in polite society, we try to avoid fist fights and so forth. But I'm so glad you said it. Don't worry. There is not even a blip of error code in this data. We are on track 100%. 
01 Mar 14 by member: mrsmole
Hang in there, making changes is hard by itself and human beings in general have a difficult time with change (even if it is positive and even if is not even their own change), we all like sameness and predictability. People around you will feel uncomfortable when they notice that you are changing, they might even try to sabotage your efforts (not necessarily because they have bad intentions or want to harm you) but because, unconsciously, they are more comfortable if things remain the same. Whenever I try to make healthier choices or do more portion control, my family resists...they say that I am becoming obsessed with food, that I am a health nut, that I am always on a diet and don't know how enjoy life and of course, why don't we order pizza? Not that I need a lot of convincing to break my efforts. My willpower is not that great lately.Do I believe that they want to harm me or they want me to gain weight? Absolutely not...they are just "weirded out"by me doing things differently and feel more comfortable with things staying the same. That is called homeostasis (when you introduce a change in a system, the system will regulate variables so that internal conditions remain stable and relatively constant).  
01 Mar 14 by member: Eclectic1
I'm glad you said that about change. You are so right. Change in itself is hard, but then change that doesn't taste as good and leaves you hungry is ten times harder! 
01 Mar 14 by member: mrsmole
I think anyone who is successful at weight loss has had to come to the conclusion that life will never be the same. Then the realization of what that really means kicks in. Of course, some of us have better support than others, but even well meaning friends & family can be a two edge sword. There will always be someone who lost weight with the XXX diet, and feels this is the only right diet for you too. I understand you are frustrated (with good reason). But, I feel from your comments that you know you have to work it out for yourself and find your own path. Have the wisdom to accept support in the spirit it is offered (even though you may have to ignore every word that is said). And know that even though you are doing this by yourself, you are never really alone.  
01 Mar 14 by member: BuffyBear
I can so totally relate to your post as I too often feel locked in my disordered eating room, but I'm hopeful that through mindfulness I can eventually leave it, if not for good, then at least more & more frequently. While I know I'll never become a true intuitive eater, I'm really working toward & hoping to eat more naturally and less emotionally. It's been a long process so far & I know I still have a way to go, so my goal is progress not perfection. My DH is a true intuitive eater… and while he does try to be supportive of me & my food choices, he doesn't really get it. I just watch him sometimes in awe as he eats only til he's full, even sugar, and forgets about the sweets that he's put back for another day (which are of course calling out to me). Again, I may never get to that point, but I'd like to break free enough from my prison to eat for nourishment for the most part. What a wonderful, thought inspiring journal post -- thanks for posting it, my sweet, special friend! xoxox  
01 Mar 14 by member: Ruhu
passing up what I want for what I can have has got to be the hardest thing I have done since I quit smoking 9 years ago. So I feel ya. A lot of hard work with little and slow return.  
01 Mar 14 by member: rthunder032
read your mail, this is carma, cus i wrote it yesterday, and i already send it to you before you mailed me... you are NOT alone. and i do understand. Keep your eye on the ball! 
01 Mar 14 by member: puhpine
I feel I mist restate that this post could have been made on any day. It's not because I gained a pound that I posted this. I gained a pound because I ate a late, salty dinner. Pfft. That's nothing. This post has been rattling around in my head all week. THis is just Mrs. Mole being philosophical. THis is just me saying, "Hey! Aren't we awesome for fighting the good fight, for doing what we need to do, for spinning the dang hay into gold!" and asking others if they also feel this way. This was meant to be uplifting and in no way meant to cause anyone to feel as if I'm near giving up. I will NEVER give up. PERIOD. Hope that clears things up. Oh, and thanks for all the support, as always, to the peanut gallery. 
01 Mar 14 by member: mrsmole
It is ALL hard ... the food we must resist, the workouts that hurt like hell at times , the people who have no clue just how hard it is. Sometimes feels like I gave up my crazy eating habits in a trade for my now crazy and compulsive food logging . But one thing is for sure , at the end of every day I am thankful for finding this place and the wonderful people here who do totally understand ... You are golden ... keep on spinning and making that gold : )  
01 Mar 14 by member: chryssm
Chryssm, thank you for saying another thing I think about all the time - trading in the crazy eating habits for the crazy food logging habits! you are so right! If I take out my phone at the table, please think I'm rude, when in fact, I'm just logging my food in the app! And if I take out my book, they think I'm writing things about them! ROFL. You can't win! 
01 Mar 14 by member: mrsmole
my hubby and son are naturally skinny, so I don't believe they understand the fight I have with food, but they accept what I'm doing. DH smokes, that's his demon. Never had that demon to fight; that was an easy one to give up many years ago. There's the old adage that you don't need cigarettes, or liquor, or recreational drugs to live, but you do have to have food. But a demon is a demon and his is as bad to him as mine is to me. I have to work at being positive some days, and can only really plan for a day at a time. I have not had a big stress episode or an illness, or anything to really throw me off track in the past 9 months, so I'm not sure how I will handle this journey when I DO get a wrench thrown in to the mix. I might be Rapunzel then too.  
01 Mar 14 by member: erwinwarrior83
These are generic ramblings in regards to almost every post above. :D - Bwy39. I laughed so hard at your comment about seeing Dom across the room. - I believe in 90% compliance. Once in a while it's okay to have a nibble outside of the diet of something you have a craving for. That does not mean you get to eat 90% of the calories you managed not to eat up to that point. Nibble! - There is no such thing as polite society on a diet. There's not enough energy for that. - I hadn't thought of it as being weirded out by people on diets. It's likely true. The herd hates to see anyone break from the herd. Action on our part points out the inaction on their own. - Ruhu. He can eat junk food and quit? Eats just enough to satisfy himself and then quits? The man is obviously quite ill. Or he's an alien. (And I don't mean from across the border.) :D - I don't do the hay thing. Sack cloth and ashes is my gig. Maybe a little self-flagellation.  
01 Mar 14 by member: northernmusician
Oh yes, I'm feeling that way RIGHT THIS MINUTE. And, believe me, I'm glad it's almost my bed time - when I can't have this and I can't have that, I sleep it off. ((((hug for you))))  
01 Mar 14 by member: Babe53
Everyone else that has responded thus far have had such introspective, amazing, wonderful, encouraging things to say. Sometimes such qualities ooze out of me, but today I can only say that YES, YES, YES, I feel EXACTLY like that! Funny thing is, I feel that way about three things 1) Watching what I'm eating; 2) Religion (not to be confused with spirituality, which I find I can talk about in a more positive manner); and 3) My back injury and the many, many things I have tried for it so far. Just as I used to wish I could tattoo "I injured my back long ago and NO, I do not have a sprained ankle or need a knee replacement" on my forehead, I also wish I could tattoo, "No, I haven't tried the XYZ diet, thank you anyway. I am doing just fine in my own pursuit and what works for you wouldn't necessarily work for me." And just as an aside, I did not for ONE SECOND take your journal post as a cry for help or any indication that your quote "will-power" was in jeopardy. You are strong and journaling is just a more public form of introspection, with the opportunity to find out, in a safe place, whether others feel like you. It's a fantastic club, isn't it? 
01 Mar 14 by member: gilliansings
Erin, Babe, NM, Gillian, so much wonderful camaraderie here! Gillian, I hear you on the back injury. You just want the tattoo or the t-shirt, right? And you try so hard to be tolerant of those well meaning people who offer the advice. Ah, the road to hell. NM, don't beat yourself up too much on my watch, or I'll kick your ass. Agreed that Ruhu's DH is not from this planet. Either that, or he could bottle it and become a gazillionaire. Thanks to all for the lively thread. Gillian, thanks for "getting me". It is a great club. 
01 Mar 14 by member: mrsmole
Yes, sometimes do feel that way. It's frustrating and it's an everyday thing having to struggle and make the right choices. You made a very good point. When I think I'm hungry and I know I shouldn't be I just drink water , water, water because it helps and I know I need it and it's good for me. So that's how I fill in that time in between meals when I know I really don't need to be eating. I think it gets easier as you go along and the better you feel. And all the while you know you still get to eat at that next meal. And keep busy and stay positive. 
01 Mar 14 by member: springskinny

     
 

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