Sweet Ce's Journal, 10 February 2014

Don't know what's happening with the weight. I've gone up but my clothes are fitting looser... Is Sally (the Scales) toying with me? Does it matter? I am definitely exercising more and I feel my muscles tightening up so it could be water-weight (what a lovely "catch all"? Is it muscle weight? Who knows?

I had a big weekend with all my triggers present: Lunkhead, AWW and my volunteer commitments bringing me in the spotlight (a place I don't feel all that comfortable). I wore my sexy jeans and was complemented. And...for those who've been with me for a while, long before Lunkhead entered the picture, there was another one on whom I'd developed a crush. He, too, was present this weekend. And that's as confusing as it can be for one woman. To top it all off, I had good friends staying with me Saturday night AND I'd developed some sort of rash around my midsection.

So, if I've gained a couple of pounds of water or muscle but feel happy, loved, sexy and attractive - isn't that what I wanted by launching myself in to this process? To see what I'd gain if I lost the prejudices I held about numbers?

So, the "crush"... He's been in my life for several years and I've had a crush on him for nearly as long as I can recall noticing him. Originally he was in a relationship, then engaged, married and since divorced. After his divorce I didn't see him around much but we eventually re-connected as friends. We seem to speak freely about relationship challenges and deeper subjects as well.

I feel conflicted because I still find him attractive and yet I don't want to risk losing the friendship part if I say something and he is uncomfortable. But at times he seems to give indications that he, too, finds me attractive and yet he doesn't fully commit. So... anyway, over the holidays (Christmas & New Year) he sort of fell off the radar and I thought, "OK. Take care of my heart. Nothing going on there."

But this weekend he was inordinately attentive and so my imagination is running away with me again making this in to a possible romance. But not like the silly romance with Lunkhead. Our current connection is much too practical for that. And I find it very compelling. But I've maintained my decision not to say anything to him. In some respects he's old-fashioned believing that men and women have certain "places" in a relationship. Not that she is less than he. More, that he should be something of a protector...but then in other ways he's very liberal believing that the partnership is just that and should be equal. See? We have really spoken about man/woman relationship. He often seems very interested in how I view that. And I deeply appreciate all he did in supporting me when things fell apart with Lunkhead... Which, by the way I realize now that I only encouraged Lunkhead with the hopes that this crush would see and be jealous or inspired to see me as a possible partner since it seemed he'd only seen me as a "sister" before.

Oh, well. All that to say that I think holding on to all these fantasies (Lunkhead, Crush & AWW) could be some of the energetic weight that is reflected on the scales.... Or it could be my morning croissants, who knows? It would be useful if I could let go of both the fantasies and the croissants.

One really wonderful thing from last week is that my evenings were NOT spent eating waaayyyy too much. I had a reasonable serving of dinner and a nightly glass of almond milk w/ some maple syrup. I spent time in other areas than eating & TV, fulfilling some internal yearning/void for companionship and fulfillment and physical activity. Thus, despite what Sally says, I'm happy with my results from last week.

Wishing us all a good week ahead...
183.0 lb Lost so far: 19.0 lb.    Still to go: 18.0 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.

Diet Calendar Entries for 10 February 2014:
908 kcal Fat: 55.39g | Prot: 43.75g | Carb: 67.91g.   Breakfast: Boiled Egg, Croissant. Lunch: Arugula Lettuce, Butternut Squash Soup. Dinner: Sargento Deli Style Sliced Baby Swiss Cheese, Chicken Stew with Potatoes and Vegetables in Tomato-Based Sauce. Snacks/Other: Emmy's Dark Cacao Macaroons. more...
2721 kcal Activities & Exercise: Calisthenics (light, e.g. home exercise) - 1 hour and 10 minutes, Resting - 3 hours and 50 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours, Desk Work - 7 hours, Sitting - 4 hours. more...
on diet Awareness and Conscious Choices   gaining 1.8 lb a week

3 Supporters    Support   

As you should be… happy with Sally's results! You are more than any # on the scale, and how your clothes fit is more important too! I'd guess you're building muscle which weighs more than fat, and that's a really great thing! Hope all works out in the love life area. It certainly sounds like you have the right attitude & perspective. Wishing you a good week too! xoxox 
10 Feb 14 by member: Ruhu
Wow that was a busy weekend. Lots of emotions and you just took them all in stride! Way to go with healthy choices both mentally and food wise! When I was single I didn't always wait to be approached by the guy - I was too impatient. :) 
10 Feb 14 by member: Neptunebch
Sounds like water weight. Loose clothes means weight loss success, even if the scale isn't showing it yet. It will eventually catch up. Just keep going. 
10 Feb 14 by member: Suzi161
A few years ago a movie came out 'he's just not into you' or something like that and it said, from a man's point of view, if a man is interested in you, you'll know. I wonder if that is age appropriate though as I seem quite blind to 'flirting' yet other people tell me 'that's what was happening.' Point? I don't know... I'm just standing in the kitchen here at home reading journals and eating oatmeal... LOL. If the scale is up but clothes are looser by all means it's muscle mass ... and that used to throw me too thinking 'but, but ... I'm still gaining' but eventually the muscle burns more energy than fat and you lose mass of fat or something. So by all means do not let it be just a number thing or you'll lose everything else you've gained -that sexy confidence of power and feeling good about yourself. I'm not denying I could stand to lose another 10-15...ok.. 20lbs but I'd rather be the healthy weight I am now than an unhealthy body at 20lbs lighter. So ... strut your stuff and give Crush Guy a come hither look. If he doesn't respond then he's not the guy you need to give you the attention you deserve. 
10 Feb 14 by member: FullaBella


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