caged liberty's Journal, 22 January 2009

Day 2 of needing loving.

This morning was bad. I came down and my daughter hadnt cleaned the kitchen or put away the dinner leftovers in the fridge. The garbage around the house hadnt been collected and my son hadnt bothered to put out the garbage.

My living room, which is the first thing one sees when you come down the stairs was a total chaos.

As if that wasnt bad enough, I walk down to drop off my son to school, I hear my two oldest kids fighting and name calling.

I got home from dropping Son Ex broken leg and hubby asks how I am feeling. I told him I was still having the same issues as I had for the past few weeks, primarily the severe constant back pain and constant uterine cramps and he just simply shrugged it off as nothing major.

I started cleaning and got rid of all the garbage and then my hubby came to hug me and I just started bawling. I have to admit I had a go at everyone including him which was not good because I realize now he was trying to be nice..I guess I am not used to that side of him and it didnt click at that moment. That might have been because just moments earlier, he had been whining about how dirty the house had become and why did I let the housekeeper go?

Its like they have no empathy for what I must be going through right now. I dont want sympathy, I need support right now. I need them to see that every food that is cooked for them is done in agony but is combatted by my maternal need to feed my family. That every time I bend to pick up something from the floor my hips start to lock making it difficult to straighten up. Little Bear hasnt had a bath in days now because no one is willing to bathe him.

I told my mom last night and she said..Oh if only you were here in London, we could take care of you. I think that is why I am so emotional right now. I know that my entire family, not just my mom, would roll into action and make sure I rested and tended to MY needs and not the other way around. I am sick but I am still being expected to perform my mother/wife duties without fail.

Today I am going to just lay in bed and sulk away and I just might continue to be on strike until I start seeing some positive actions.


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I think your health problems are putting everything that a wife and mother goes through in the spot light. I'm thankful for my health at this time but I do know how you feel when it comes to feeling used and unappreciated! Where did husbands and kids read that a mother has to do it all? You are in my prayers both physically and emotionally. I hope that things are better soon. Get some rest and take care of yourself. I wish I had some inspiring words of wisdom to give you but I don't... just know that we are here for you anytime you need to vent. Sounds like you are very homesick as well... you deserve a break and I pray that you get one!!  
22 Jan 09 by member: lorik
Once you feel better you and your husband must get strict with these kids. What if you couldn't afford a housekeeper? And in your health crisis situation your kids are taking advantage of the situation. It is time for these BRATS to be called on it and you and your husband need to sit down and give them conditions. Strict ones like no college tuition or support. (My parents never gave me that anyway, think of some excuse if they're older and out of control like my younger sister was. My twin sister and I were 16, 17 cleaning the whole house, my twin moved out at 17 to get married I remember at 14 and older asking my mom why the little one wasn't helping - my mom said she was too young! Yet when we were 8 we did everything. If you have kids unless the place is a mansion you shouldn't need a housekeeper unless they're brats. My mom did the cooking WE DID EVERYTHING ELSE! Mind you we had a small house but we cleaned an hour or two a day! At least every day! I scrubbed the kitchen floor once or twice a month. Guess what all of this did - it has given me a strong work ethic despite mental illness. I'm not the greatest housekeeper - much better than many single guy neighbors... yet I've written three novels, I have strong discipline and am able to write - have written three nowels have many more outlined. I doubt I would have had that discipline if it weren't for such strict parents in my upbringing... Think about making college conditional for these kids --- they can't go unless SOME help is offered at least they sound like spoiled brats and tell them in the real world they're going to have to work and maybe even clean their place so they better learn to do it now!!! 
22 Jan 09 by member: GlennM
OMG... I just read yesterdays and todays journals.... so much to deal with!! I'm so sorry! If I lived anywhere in your vicinity, I'd be right there! I know you didn't ask for any advice exactly, but would you mind? What if you try putting together a chore list for your kids? You've got two that are definitely old enough to take on quite a lot of the load and even Little Bear can be given some 'simple' tasks to do. I know as mothers we tend to feel like we have to do it all, but it really is good for the kids to have some of that responsibility as well. I hope you start feeling better soon. Rest as much as you can! We all love you! 
22 Jan 09 by member: katrinat
I agree. There should be consequences when you ask the kids to do things and they don't get done. Take away the cell phone or ground them...anything that is important to them is fair game. Use your pain to help you get mean if necessary! Of course your husband has to be on board with this as well. My 12 year old has a number of chores that she does that I pay her for. If they don't get done then she doesn't get paid. She mows the lawn in the summer, takes out the recycling, vacuums the stairs, washes the breakfast dishes, and a number of other things. Your kids live in the house and they should contribute to its upkeep. I know you can do it. I hope that you feel better soon and that you can get that family of yours to help out. 
22 Jan 09 by member: slease
Your journal made me happy and sad at the same time. I am so glad that your husband finally made a motion to give you support!!! You need to thank him for that!! Men are like dogs - they thrive on positive affirmations!! ha! Call "Merry Maids" or something like that to get someone in there TODAY and get stuff in order for you - it will buy you a few more days to find a housekeeper. Personally, I don't think you should try to fix any of these "ongoing problems" with the kids or your husband right now. That just is going to take too much energy. Take the hug from your husband and get a new housekeeper as soon as possible. In the meantime, you deserve a little sulking and talk on the phone to your mom for as long as you want!! Those other issues will wait until you have the energy and your confidence back to deal with them. And that's all I have to say about that! :)  
22 Jan 09 by member: Paige E
Hi Caged Liberty - Perhaps Paige is right get a housekeeper. But get HER to train these BRATS. They need to learn to clean. What are they going to do when they get to their college dorm? What if it doesn't work out with the next housekeeper too? The ongoing problems may continue, but once you feel well these kids need to have responsibilities at least keeping their own rooms clean. I knew so many rich people in L.A. raised with silver spoons, believe me they were not very motivated adults most of them... 
22 Jan 09 by member: GlennM
UPDATE: I did call hubby today and apologized for my crazy behavior in the morning and told him I was just venting my frustration and not angry with him (well not completely). He actually sounded supportive and told me he would have a word with the kids tonight. He also said that I needed to rest so he would take over the dropping to school duties until I felt I was better. That is also a MAJOR change from his normal behavior. Last year he didnt give a damn about Son Broken Leg standing out in the cold for upto half an hour in freezing temps. The fact that he didnt suggest that he stand and wait for the bus instead of me dropping him off shows a change of heart. With regards to a chores list..Katrina..I do have a chore list and it is stuck to the wall in my kitchen. It is really like 2.5 feet x 1.5 feet so its not a small thing tucked away. And the chores arent extensive either. Son is supposed to vacuum one level of the house every day and throw out the garbage on Thursday. Princess Brat is supposed to unload and load the dishwasher and put away leftover dinner every night. That is why I am upset...I havent given unreasonable or difficult chores for them and its probably much less than most children have to do. Ironically, it is my 3 year old Little Bear who actually does the most cleaning. He helps me make the bed (he takes off sheets and pulls off cover from pillows), helps me sort dark from light laundry, loads washing machine and dryer and then takes out his clothes and folds them. He also helps me unload the dishwasher and basically assists in any chores I do. On the housekeeper front, I decided to get one of the candidates I interviewed to clean my house tomorrow on the pretext of giving her a trial. I did make it clear that this was a one time deal and that I hadnt selected her yet. I actually prefer another housekeeper but she isnt available until Monday and I didnt want to wait that long. So things have started working out..lets see what hubby says to the kids tonight..it took 17 years and a ruptured cyst and ill health but I finally have seen a side that I have been waiting for ages...someone taking responsibility for his family. AND YES..I AM HOMESICK MAJOR TIME..I MISS MY FAMILY IN LONDON 
22 Jan 09 by member: caged liberty
I'm so glad you talked to your husband!!! What did he do with your REAL husband?? ha!!!! I'm thrilled with his support!!! I've followed the sagas with him for the last year and I can't believe this is the same guy!! Maybe he is going to be a keeper after all - ha!!! Can you start planning a trip to London after the procedure gets done? It would give you something to look forward to.  
22 Jan 09 by member: Paige E

     
 

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