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Saturday afternoon and the sky is murky. Yuck. I even walked to my backyard to double check because it was beautiful and sunny when I was out there this morning. So I'm going to channel my inner Pollyanna and hold faith that the sun will return when I do. I have much I want to do and prefer the 'good light'.
Apparently the ICU pumps the same 'calming gas' on their ward as the Whole Foods Market as the 'I'm going to bother you less at home' promise evaporated within five minutes of departure. I was not subtle at all responding to the 15th 'need' in half an hour saying 'is this your idea of demanding me less as you promised in ICU?'
I'm not sure if it was my subconscious wish I could go to the Mindful Eating seminar too or a subtle reminder to go back and visit the book again but I found myself thinking in circles the other night.
I was on my way home from the hospital and thought 'I should go down to the Winery and enjoy a nice dinner. ' My EWYL guard immediately flooded me with questions.
Are you hungry? No, not really.
The why do you want to go eat? It would be nice to sit in a restaurant and be served.
Why? To be pampered, sip a glass of wine, sit outside, enjoy the evening.
Can't you do all that at home? Well, yeah, I guess I could.
Why are you associating food with pampering - why aren't you considering a manicure or other options that don't include unnecessary eating? Gahh.. forget it.. I'll go home, ok!
THEN I burned a few more brain cells reflecting 'when exactly DID dining out become our main form of entertainment? Was it about the time nouveau cuisine was introduced and food became art? Who converted the town diner to the 'hot spot of the month'?
And what's to be my future if I can't resolve the conflict between PLANNING to dine out versus ONLY eating when Hungry. Sure, it was early in the afternoon and I knew, or felt, more or less, that I WOULD be hungry for dinner eventually but for some reason that night PLANNING to eat when I wasn't hungry yielded a cycle of indecision I couldn't easily resolve.
But then EWYL whispered 'my how times have changed .. before August, you NEVER wanted to eat in public alone... hmmmm'.
And with that I realized the thought of sitting somewhere relatively quiet and sipping a glass of wine while having someone else prepare and serve me food was really no different that my drinking at home alone and phoning the Pizza guy. It, for me at that moment, was just avoidance of being alone. So I went home and experienced the evening I wrote of in my journal earlier this week.
Maybe this all dates back to when fire was discovered and everyone started huddling in the same cave in the evenings?
Bells
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 Comments
I reckon you just need some big hugs at the moment, Bella. So here's one through the ether, from me to you tonight.
26 Oct 13 by member: *Starshine*
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Murky day here, with the house smelling of fresh baked cookies & the sound of two keyboards clattering while football plays on TV & bursts of cursing break out even with the sound muted, if you know what I mean. I wish we could meet somewhere, not discuss our issues, just enjoy deluxe pedicures while sipping tea with soft music playing. Or maybe go to a gym and learn a martial art where we beat the heck out of a sparring bag thingy while doing those cool power yells, thus releasing our inner box cutter moments. Or climb a mountain and stand in a power pose at the top of a rock and welcome the fresh energy of the universe into our battered psyches. Okay, we would be hungry enough to swing by the winery after that....
Thanks for being there for yourself, and for sharing yourself with us. If you were a hugging person, I'd send you one. Wish I could send you some sunshine.
The birds are still flitting & fluttering for my amusement. Beau is taking a nap, which sounds pretty good about now. I'm going to mindfully enjoy a ripe pear now, later, lovely lady.
26 Oct 13 by member: crabby Kat
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good thought-provoking journal. why do i eat when not hungry? or even think about what's for a meal-hour when i'm not hungry? the question pops up often enough - i just haven't given my self time to answer it... could be a goal for the coming days. thanks bella. hugs, ce
27 Oct 13 by member: Sweet Ce
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Hi Bells, just read your two journals from the week-end. So much content, so much I want to say but I'm just not in a good head space to be coherent but wanted to reach out and tell you again how much you mean to me, how special you are, how glad I am that you can get 'crap' out of your system into this space and how glad I am that it seems to help. You have changed yourself so much, I admire that immensely and wish I could say the same for myself. Some of us are slow learners :) I hope that DH's demands become less and that he understands what a toll he takes on your emotional well being by being so demanding. But he's so sick, it is unlikely he will ever 'get it'. He is so wrapped up in himself I suppose. I am grateful for your journey and for your sharing it with us and I am so glad you have mushyface and a beautiful 'church' right outside your door where you can claim some small piece of sanity. Hang in there Bells.
28 Oct 13 by member: sarahsmum
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