FullaBella's Journal, 25 October 2013

Yesterday the masseuse voiced, "Ma'am, I hope you don't take this the wrong way ... but has anyone ever told you you're what we call ' a silent stress sponge'?" Actually I'd never heard it put quite that way so I gave her a little leeway; not too much - didn't want her to turn into a chitty chatter gal while I was trying to zone out and meditate.

She explained what I already knew - I absorb stress but try to hide it. Sure, here in my uninhibited journal I vent, whine and dog paddle in my pity pond at times but in person I rarely ever 'let 'em see me sweat'. To give you a visual (confirmed by another friend who shared a fondness for the series) if this were 'Breaking Bad' I would be Gus Fring. Fastidious and controlled right up to the point I shred someone with a box-cutter.

This morning's victim was the moron in the grocery store doing the usual 'let me park my cart diagonally on one side of the aisle while I block the other with my body.' I was on the phone with the pulmonologist who arrived just after I'd loitered but finally departed the hospital, trying to discuss the coordination of ordering yet another very expensive piece of durable medical equipment for DH expected to discharge from the hospital today while picking up some items needed at home and get back to the store in time to open.

Clicking the heel of my right boot twice, very loudly, on the tile floor of the store did nothing to get the shopper to notice me nor move so that I could proceed down the aisle with my multitasking. So I finished my call and gave Rude Man a loud 'Ahem!'. Still no reaction. So .. I pulled out my box cutter voice and said 'Excuse me, please.' But as my emotions were already elevated to Def-Con 4 I couldn't just thank him politely as I passed; I lapsed into a tirade lecture voicing my opinion of 'stupid rude jerks in the store blocking the whole aisle for their own selfish ...' well, you get the idea. And yet, another day it's a surprise my mouthy ways didn't get me shot.

The masseuse said 'your muscles are telling me what you don't have to ... that you are taking care of a great many responsibilities right now. (that and my phone on vibrate rattled 5 times during the session). Good for you in taking care of yourself too. I do not think I will be able to break all of these spasms loose in one treatment and still leave you able to function physically. But I think I'll have you feeling a lot better when you leave today.'

And with that, she quieted and did give me an' extreme deep tissue massage. If you've never had one but have considered it, be prepared for some interesting reactions. Something about hitting certain muscles that have been 'tight' for a while was triggering thoughts of random events from YEARS ago. Pretty dang wild. Most of them were unpleasant and with each appearance, once I became aware of them, I bid them goodbye and visualized dunk-shotting them into a trashbin.

I truly walked OUT of that room in far better shape than I entered. I didn't feel an out of body experience as I did back in May but I could sense the floor was a foot deep in the pain and emotions she'd kneaded out of my frame. I even stopped and picked up a pair of slacks and my first turtleneck of the season. I felt marvelous.

But I must now figure out a way to eliminate "the sponge". Close off the openings. I need a stress shield. Something, anything, because the 90 minutes of her wonderful magic was completely undone within ten minutes in the hospital.

I'm not blaming it all on DH; it may be that I absorb the stressful aura of complete strangers. I'm not trying to be 'voodoo' or anything like that. I've often felt the reason dogs age seven years to our one is that they do the same. Perhaps I was a St. Bernard in my previous life but it is time to be more like a cat ~ not give a meow.

I returned home and ate some delicious beef ribs that had been dropped off by one of DH's friends (they were too spicy for him) and went outside to my wonderful backyard with Mushy. It was a fan-freaking-tab-u-lous beautiful evening. Blue sky and mid 70's. Mushy embraced her inner wolf as she chewed on a rib-bone (with Mommy standing by to make sure to retrieve it when she cracked it) and then rested on the lounge chair as I puttered with my flowers and played with my glass garden totem. The doors and windows were open as I attempted to clear any lingering negativity in my home too so no noisy AC unit outside. With each deep cleansing breath I would release an exhale of negative feelings until the inhale and exhale both contained positive gratitude.

This morning in the store brought another annual customer wanting to know 'what happened to that other, older lady.' I said 'it's me.' They argued.

After a number of these conversation I've considered lying and saying 'she died' but that would be disloyal to the better parts of me that made me the woman I am today.

I just want a way to stop having to have that conversation with the customers. I pulled out my 'before' pic and said 'this gal, it's me... I lost weight and changed my hair but I'm still the same brilliant charming gal I always was ...'

Hey, it was either that or the box cutter.

In case you missed it, I did bury the lead. DH will come home today. I'm glad he's better but would have liked at least one more night of solitary serenity. I did make my serenity jar, Kathy. It has little glass marbles in it for times when I think I've lost (mine).

Have a good day, all. Thank you for stopping by.



These days there is no such thing as common courtesy, common sense or anything other thing that’s supposed to be “common”. The younger generation is even worse so I don’t expect things to get better with time. If you expect “common” anything from people you will constantly be disappointed. Don’t you know that everyone else is more important than you and what they are doing always takes precedence over whatever you’re doing? This is completely obvious by how people drive these days, let along how they act in a grocery store. But instead of getting mad at these people, I just blow it off, and then I actually start to feel sorry for them. I am sorry for them because they obviously didn’t have the same good upbringing as I did, they never learned to respect others and they certainly can’t know how to live a happy fulfilling life. I also try to remember that people are people and sometimes they make mistakes. I know I am not perfect, but I try to be in a lot of different ways. So try not to get mad at them, just look at it as affirmation that you are a good person and be happy that you know how to treat people. Rude and disrespectful people don’t even deserve the time it takes for us to get upset about it. Water off a ducks back baby! I really enjoy your writing, I might have to add you to my buddy list so I dont miss any of it. :) Have a great day! Brent 
25 Oct 13 by member: bigbassbrent
I was able to release some stress during this journal. Thanks! 
25 Oct 13 by member: Neptunebch
After noon my sweet Bella..I hate rude people..but if you think about it ..they are not rude...just they haven't a clue about anything...just like the drivers on the high way..they don't look where they going and never no who or what is around them...they will pull out in front of you and then slow down below the speed limit..or if you go to pass them they speed up...I do understand that you would want at least another day to your self...before my MIL went to the nursing home...I had very few ME time days...I couldn't even take a shower and just take my time...as she would come in and check on me to see what was taking so long..She is gone now and I miss her..but I don't miss the machines and doctor appt..and going to get meds...all while I had a 9 hour a day job...Sending lots of hugs and love to you my dear...Bren 
25 Oct 13 by member: BHA
Perhaps you give so much in other areas of your life, that the reaction you had to the guy in the supermarket is some kind of pressure-relief valve. But hating so quickly and going for the red mist will, as you know, do more damage to you than anyone else. My local store has more than it's fair share of The Bewildered but each one of them has a story too. Perhaps the guy you describe was hard of hearing, or he just didn't hear your impatient heel-clicking and throat clearing. Perhaps, on the other hand, he had all sorts of problems himself: his girlfriend/boss/father tells him he's a loser on a daily basis, he's exhausted because he can't sleep at night, he's sick of everyone being in such a hurry, etc. It's easy to relax in relaxing situations; the real challenge is not other people but managing your own stress, in stressful situations. If particular experiences keep coming up again and again, there's something they're trying to teach you... Oh, and switch your phone OFF when you go for a massage!! S xxx 
25 Oct 13 by member: *Starshine*
Sweet, wonderful, amazing Angel! I would have loved for you to have had a few more nights of serenity too, but am glad you had such a wonderful massage. Can you go more often? You need & deserve it! Please, please keep taking care of you as much as you can. And keep posting/venting here -- we are here for you! Xoxox 
25 Oct 13 by member: Ruhu
So glad you had a good massage. So relaxing. It's amazing how we tense up our muscles and hold all that stress in our body. I'm glad your husband is well enough to come home and hope you enjoy your last night to yourself.  
25 Oct 13 by member: SJacqueline
You continue to make me smile my friend, Oh, yes, those massages can be so incredible. It's my hope that some how you find respite from your care-giving tasks. I can so identify with not wanting to say anything to your masseuse ..... My maze use is a friend ..... And more often than not she wants to chat ..... I have fallen asleep on a couple of occasions .... so it's normally a wonderful experience. I like your death speech .... Perhaps there is more truth there than you may think?  
25 Oct 13 by member: glen
A bit late in the evening, so hoping DH made it home safely, is feeling better and you're able to get some serious sound sleep. A new day tomorrow. Had my 2nd massage today. My right leg had nerve damage from surgery 5 years ago. Muscles contracting, IT bands too tight. Well, she showed me exactly where they were. Holy Crap. I almost knocked her over with my leg. But wouldn't you know it, it doesn't hurt anymore. Makes my heart glad. I'm a firm believer in massage therapy. Is it deep tissue? Or are they shooting for the bone. Anyway, glad you got the relief and hope you can get back on a weekly basis.  
25 Oct 13 by member: ClassicRocker
Thank you bella .you ll never know how much. 
26 Oct 13 by member: sharonfriz


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