FullaBella's Journal, 22 October 2013

Last night I did something I've never done but probably should have (done) years ago. So in the spirit of the upcoming 'caregivers month' in November let me offer personally the same advice you've no doubt heard and read already: take care of yourself first if you intend to be able to take care of others.

A Monday of refusing to consent to go to the hospital brought sundown and frustration. I felt my anger bubbling as we entered the far too familiar territory. COPD patients grow physically worse with nightfall.

Historically the evening begins with him announcing he's going to sleep in his recliner because he has all of his "stuff" around him and will manage this just fine.

Historically I TRY (unsuccessfully) to sleep in my recliner beside him until around midnight when the cycle of oxygen, CPAP, nebulizer and over medicating with inhalers proves futile and he finally voices 'I guess you better call.'

The frustration is that 'rock and a hard spot' place I find myself serving the unenviable duel role of wife and caretaker. The latter has repeatedly stomped and proclaimed 'next time I'm calling without your consent ' but the former always wimps and waits. And with that I find myself driving behind an ambulance at 2am bleery eyed and sleep deprived and sleepwalking thru the rest of the week.

Last night I decided 'not this time'. I prayed for mercy and for strength to follow through. I announced I was going to shower, take my night medication and go to bed. 'Last chance' because I couldn't drive after taking those nor would I likely hear him from the bedroom unless he phoned.

And after showering I sat with him while I had some cottage cheese, said 'this is it... final bidding' and when he still sat firm that he was fine I followed through. And I slept. I broke my cycle of insanity. I prayed that he would be in good care through the night.

So this morning I was rested and prepared for the day. Perhaps it was the prayer. Maybe it was a moment of recognition that I wasn't going to sit by and wring my hands anymore. Either way he did make it through the night and he did say 'yes, time to go' this morning before reaching respiratory failure.

We are in the ER. He has been given a few treatments and they just gave him a shot of ativan - it helps the patient relax to tolerate the BiPAP machine. They wouldn't give me one. Hardly seems fair.

Thank you for reading.

Bells