sararay's Journal, 21 October 2013

I am struggling again. With body image. I had to break down and buy some jeans because I didn't have any long pants in my size. My maternity pants were too big so I donated them, but my "fat" pants don't fit yet. I'm so close, and I was hoping I could make it before fall hit but it wasn't in the cards. It is hard to go clothes shopping at this size. Luckily I found a pair of my favorite jeans in the size I needed (tall even) at our local second hand clothing store. It provided a little relief to my depressed mood as I clothes shopped. I also found a nice light jacket and purse to cheer me up. I don't feel like I am WHO I see in the mirror. I feel like people can't see who I am through my outer image.

Another thing I realized was that I got put in with the "older moms" in my local MOPS group. The problem with this is that I don't feel like I have anything in common with them. I'm 35 and most of them are 40+. I don't feel mature and settled yet. I don't feel like I belong with them. I don't feel like they are my "peers". Their preschoolers are their last of several children while mine are my only two. I wish they hadn't segregated us by age. Overall I don't know how that group is going to work out for me. It was supposed to be something to build me up but so far it has not really been worth my time.

I feel out of place everywhere but with my family. Maybe that is where I need to be but I'm struggling with my self-image.
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