2ManyCurves's Journal, 05 September 2013

I'm 38, married to my best friend, have a well-established career and have earned all of the things in life that I dreamed of accomplishing when I was a little girl. I have PCOS and Hypothyroidism.

However, I have struggled with my weight since I was a young child. My parents were both overweight. They both ate terribly and never exercised. I don't blame them at all. It is just how it was. Both of my parents were loving and supportive. They are still married today (over 40 yrs). I slimmed down in my pre-teen years and maintained a slim figure throughout my teenage years. However, I was not healthy. Years in dance lessons, ballet, and ultimately high school cheerleading led to a pretty bad eating disorder.

After high school, I eloped with someone I had not known very long. I moved to Europe with him. I also gained quite a bit of weight. I was depressed and ate terribly as a means to fill an emotional void. We moved back to the US when I was 20. I struggled with depression, but managed to drop much of the weight I had gained overseas. My spouse at that time had joined the military and was gone on long deployments frequently. After he came home from a long deployment in Kuwait, I became pregnant.

Pregnancy was the kindest thing that ever happened to my body. I began to make healthier choices for my growing baby and I exercised every day. I was one of those odd cases where I gained only 10 pounds during the entire pregnancy, gave birth to a healthy 8 lb, 7 oz baby boy, and was 30 pounds lighter the day I left the hospital with him. In fact, I was in such good physical condition when I gave birth to my son that my labor lasted only 4 hours. I would walk and push my newborn in the stroller for miles. I was in my best physical condition after I had him. And, I was the happiest in my life.

Then, times became financially tough. My spouse at the time got out of the military and obtained a job as a police officer in a rural area. The pay at the time was not enough to cover our bills. I couldn't find steady work even though I had obtained a Master's Degree. So, I moved home to my parents many states away to find job security. The thought was that the spouse would come with me. But, he didn't immediately. He loved his job.

After I landed two jobs (one working a night shift at a distribution center and a second teaching school during the day) I traveled to make a surprise visit to see him. It was then that I first learned he had commenced a romantic relationship with another woman. I was devastated. I gave him the choice to stay behind or move with me to my parent's with our son. He moved. And, he was miserable. He despised me because he gave up his dream job of being a police officer.

I worked two jobs. He refused to take jobs he deemed not worthy of a man of his talents. And, so I started to eat again. When I felt him distance himself from me and when I felt the resentment from him, I stuffed my belly with sweet things. Donuts made me feel good. They tasted wonderful. Coca-Cola was my cure-all.

We tolerated one another for a good two years more. I had secured a very nice position, making decent money. I realized I could provide even more for my family if I finished a doctorate degree. He worked for minimum wage as a security guard. He missed appointments for testing to get on police departments. He refused to pick up our son from daycare. He wanted out and I was too busy stuffing my face with food for instant gratification and distraction.

He finally accepted a job working nights. I would leave with my son on weekends for fear that we might wake him up. A week or so before my seventh anniversary, I came home to find that he had made a romantic dinner for me. We sat down to eat together (which was a rare event), and he commented that the only thing missing from the meal was a glass of wine. I was amazed. Flattered. Hopeful the romance had been rekindled. He poured us each a glass of wine and raised his glass to toast. Then he looked me straight in the eye and said "I want a divorce." I ate.

A month went by and I realized he hadn't changed his mind. I would try to sleep through days when I was not at work. I would cry at my desk. I convinced myself he didn't want me because I had gotten fat again. When I learned there was another woman, I thought to myself that she must be thinner and more beautiful than me. So I ferociously threw myself into exercise. The weight peeled off.

All of the work. All of the self-hate. All of the blaming the failure of my marriage due to my weight. I learned he had been having an affair for a long time. Oddly, it was with someone far larger than me. But, that didn't matter. I was fat and I failed at marriage because of my weight. At least to me.

I finished college while working and raising my beautiful son alone. Then, I had a new job that paid well and was a sure step to success in my profession. I worked long hours. Exercise went to the wayside. I would dine out for lunch every day. Grab fast food on the way home for our dinner. And, the weight came back. When I met someone new for a date, I was always so worried that they would be turned off by my weight. If I wasn't called back for a date, I would convince myself that I just wasn't attractive enough. If only I were thinner, I might have someone want to be in my life permanently. I would go on a diet and exercise binge. I would drop mad amounts of weight. But, then when I would always look around and realize that I did not have anyone to love me (Aside from my parents and my wonderful baby boy). Ten years passed. And, I was so convinced no one would love me because of my weight that I remained alone.

I met someone who took advantage of my vulnerability. He was tall and naturally very learn, skinny even. His relatives would make comments like "I'm so glad he met a girl with some meat on her bones." It was always about looks. It didn't matter that I had 4 college degrees, a stable job, financial security, my own home. I was the girl with "meat on her bones." The new boyfriend was not very good to me. He didn't work. He wasn't a good father figure for my son. He wasn't affectionate towards me. And, there was little to no sex life. Again, I thought if I would just lose weight, he might want me. Instead, I ate. To fill the void. I lost my job when my boss told me that I needed to "drop some pounds." Although I was beat down, I hadn't completely lost my spunk. So I quipped back that I needed to probably lose 245 pounds as that is what I estimated my boss weighed. Funny girl. Jobless girl. Still fat.

When the money stopped, so too did that relationship.

It took a while to realize I was worth something again. It took a while to rebuild myself. I again threw myself back into attending the gym. I lost the weight. I became happy. My world was my son and I. I started my own business. And, then I met my best friend. We fell in love quickly. I felt loved inside and out. He was overweight when we met. He lost 65 pounds while we were dating. I fell in love with the person he was inside. I was happy. And, I ate. By the time the wedding had come around, I had gained so much weight that the dress was tight on me. He didn't care. We ate together.

I learned that I eat when I am depressed. I eat when I am happy. I eat to hide tears, to celebrate joyful events, to calm a stressful day, to socialize. It is what I do. I am madly in love with my husband. He is an amazing father to my beautiful (now teenage) son. He is my best friend. We have joked that our marriage is through "Thickness and in thin." So now, we eat healthy. And, we walk. My goal is to lose over 100 pounds. He, too, is on a journey to lose weight. But, together when you strip away all of the skin, bones, muscle and fat, we have a beautiful love that is far too heavy for any scale. I am happy.

Diet Calendar Entries for 05 September 2013:
478 kcal Fat: 6.60g | Prot: 30.98g | Carb: 75.09g.   Breakfast: Skim or Nonfat Milk (Calcium Fortified), Cheerios. Lunch: Muller Corner Greek Style - Strawberry, Nalley Turkey Chili Con Carne with Beans. more...
2579 kcal Activities & Exercise: Walking (moderate) - 3/mph - 45 minutes, Sleeping - 23 hours and 15 minutes. more...

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Comments 
Wow. That's quite a story. I'm sorry you've had to go through all of this. I am, however, happy that you're here - making the choice to get better and to take charge. Thank you so much for sharing.  
06 Sep 13 by member: kingkeld
It is kind of nice putting it all out there. It puts things in perspective for me and I can see my detrimental patterns. 
06 Sep 13 by member: 2ManyCurves
Wow - thank you for sharing this story.  
09 Sep 13 by member: FullaBella
You are awesome :) 
08 Nov 13 by member: Fairy P
I happened to stumbled across your journal today and I have to say it literally brought tears to my eyes... for you and for me (it sounds alot like my story) and I loved to hear how your journey has been coming along for you... and i have to say I am truly inspired today so THANK YOU!!  
27 Jan 14 by member: lovies10
Thank you for stating where one interested in reading your bio could find it in your journal! It is a beautiful story of love...for yourself,your spouse, the sacredness of marriage,your son,health,true love,happiness & life. I felt your emotions as I too share a similar story...to the very end! I think we may be great friends :D you & I. 
05 Feb 14 by member: myawethinTICself
Thank you all for your comments.  
05 Feb 14 by member: 2ManyCurves
How brave and inspiring for you to share something so personal ... I felt like I was reading a novel , so well written. I wish you the best in your journey to your goal weight and health.  
05 Feb 14 by member: chryssm
Thank you for sharing your story with us! =) I really needed to read something like that, especially today.  
05 Feb 14 by member: ZivaDavid11
You can be that happy again and you will. Thanks for sharing with us. Were all in this together and we can move mountains. :)  
05 Feb 14 by member: springskinny
I wish you health. I too have hypothyroidism. I also have Hashimoto's. I struggle daily with food. I am a super picky eater and I am gluten, dairy, corn intolerant. If I eat any of them, I gain weight (1 to 2 pounds over night), I am super emotional, and I look pregnant from bloating. I do cheat, but I pay for it in how I feel. PCOS and hypothyroidism are common symptoms of hashimoto's. Just a little food for thought (The only kind of food I like. Lol). 
05 Feb 14 by member: Melodyann
good luck to you and your husband on this journey. Thank you for sharing your story . You are brave 
05 Feb 14 by member: namramn1
This is a wonderful, brutally honest, story and I admire your courage to 'out' yourself by looking inwards as you have. I believe anyone with as much courage and fortitude as you have will be a huge success, especially now you have the right partner in life. I wish you nothing but the success you so rightfully deserve. Steve 
06 Feb 14 by member: Kingstephen
Wow, that is an amazing read, and I wish you all the best with this next stage of your journey. Thank you for your honesty and your clear articulation of the reasons why food controlled you at points in your life - bits resonated with me, and it seems that they have with others on FS. I would be honoured if you would accept my buddy request. Claire 
06 Feb 14 by member: clairebuxton
This is beautiful!!! Brought tears to my eyes... 
06 Feb 14 by member: gizmodeedee
Im glad that you have found happiness. In the midst of all that madness to still continue on with your career, im in awe of you and of your strength. You are a beautiful person and I wish you nothing but happiness and balance from this point forward, you deserve to be happy!! I know it takes a lot to share this much of yourself, thank you for choosing us to share it with. ((Hugs)) 
06 Feb 14 by member: Annabelle3117
I saw your "chubby chaser" comment in today's journal which led me to your profile, which then made me curious enough to find the bio you mentioned. Thanks for sharing your story. I totally relate to -- "I eat when I am depressed. I eat when I am happy. I eat to hide tears, to celebrate joyful events, to calm a stressful day, to socialize. It is what I do." --- You've done so well in your weight loss journey. Good luck to you in achieving the last few pounds and I hope I can succeed in my journey to be healthier as well :) 
01 Jul 14 by member: bubble-vicious
Thank you for sharing your story. I can also relate to the "I eat when I am depressed etc ....", I'm exactly the same - I just like to eat. Well done on your fabulous weight loss.  
30 Jul 14 by member: SilverFork5

     
 

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