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Did some soul searching yesterday. I wrote down an outline of the last 4 1/2 years - and pretty much have only been "AT GOAL" for about 3 months of that 55+ month's time! YUP, you read that right.
Stress, and a complete lack of attention to diet and exercise - has been the key factors in the weight 'gain' department ... each and every time.
From both my parents getting ill together, and my Dad's death... to my Mom's numerous strokes, and coming to live with me... to my husband's issues and serious marital problems... to a near divorce situation... and ultimately to my Mom's death... these issues 'rocked my world'.
When my nature kicked in, I went into crisis management mode - which had everything to do with taking care of others... totally. I literally believe these times were the ONLY times I never even gave a split second thought to whether or not I had 'drank water' or 'eaten something off plan'... Crisis Mode left me drained, exhausted, emotionally depleted and eating out of a vending machine for months on end.
Most of those 55+ months were spent - just like today.
I wake up into this world grateful for a new day. Aware that I am 'overweight'. (not by anyone else's standard, but by mine) (I do believe by other health standards I would be considered overweight - BMI, charts, etc... but I am learning to 'lean on' my own definitions).
Aware that I must consciously choose, plan ahead, and implement my 'new' lifestyle (that isn't really new anymore). I am unhappy with my 'flab', and being out of shape... so a trip to Curves or the gym is in order - but that has been avoided for months. Not intentionally - but because I just am tired of 'working out' and getting such limited results.
Am I the only person who's body can go to the gym for 3 years straight and still be flabby and out of shape. I am an intelligent woman. But I was apparently not doing something correctly - because while I saw some results... it just didn't seem 'worth it'. My head wasn't in it after my Mom's death... and now... I haven't been working out again for months. Hard to start back.
Ok, I'll start back at Induction. I am in 'damage control' mode. I've let things go for a year, since her death. I've let things go in part because I wanted to be sure my husband's affection for me wasn't ALL based on 'the visual' and the 'sexual'. (which of course I know it wasn't - after 24 years!) But we had some serious issues - all which came to a head during the time I reached my goal weight and shortly after ... (*** will come back to this)
Ok, Induction, drink my water... eat low carb ... back to FS.... in order for me to really get this weight back off and keep it off, I will need to make a commitment to a geniune lifestyle change.
I will need to exercise faithfully. At a minimum, every other day - while eating low carb. Weights. Cardio. Swimming. Walking. Biking. Etc. I will need to maintain a low-carb lifestyle.
While it's not 'completely starting over' for me - it's close! And I literally KNOW what I need to do. But am just so stinkin' frustrated at myself for allowing myself to be back in this place - and yet... I am here.
So, to answer my own questions - I will CHOOSE whole healthy foods only. I will exercise (not too little, not too much) - and I will drink my water! And I will wait. And be patient. And know that in time - my body will adapt and change along with me. I am shooting for 5 lbs / month as my goal... I will humble myself - weigh in, measure... and update my stuff - today. Everybody's got a beginning in this journey. Now I have TWO!! :)
***Now, back to the husband issue: In these last couple of years, I have learned that I have a 'low' self-esteem problem. I have been sensitive about my weight my entire life - rejected by my first husband through sexual abuse and mistreatment - and then remarried my current husband and suffered through 20 years of sexual dysfunction. This is a long and difficult history - so I will try to be brief - but basically if you eat a sandwich when you get home from work, you probably won't be hungry to sit down to dinner 30 min's later. Selfish.. yup! But you're hungry! You've worked all day! Well - it's close to that kind of thinking. Unknown to me (at the time) - my husband used Porn and Masterbation to satisfy himself. And sometimes we would go weeks, or months at a time - without being intimate. I would cry, and melt down - I would question him, myself - what's wrong w/ me, is it how I look, am I crappy in bed, ... etc ... He was embarrassed, and partly ashamed - so he wouldn't tell me WHY - but things would be better for a brief period, then drift back to a total lack of intimacy. Kids, life, different work schedules, different 'go to bed' times', etc... And I spent most of our marriage KNOWING this was wrong, or 'off' - desperately desiring to figure it out, to fix it... etc... but just couldn't put my finger on it. Dr.'s appts., blood tests, perhaps it's his libido, maybe it's me... of course it must be me... I am not sexy enough - "oh, dear God I have gained sooooo much weight since my Mom's illness and her coming here, no wonder he doesn't want to sleep w/ me!"
It was actually around the time I was nearing my goal weight in 2010 that I figured all this out. Initially, I hadn't lost the weight for ME just because it's what I wanted - I lost the weight to try to be more sexually attractive to my husband.
We've since worked thru alot of our issues. He has been in counseling. We have been in counseling together. I have set my own boundaries. He has respected them entirely. I have forgiven him. And we are healing. And honestly, our sex life is beautiful. And honest. And real. And regular!! (and I am 30 lbs over weight - so that obviously had nothing to do w/ it).
But the left over residual of all of that: I don't like my body this heavy. I don't think I am attractive and sexy w/ an extra 30 lbs. And I am miserable when I look in the mirror. I ALSO don't want my life to be about what I weigh! That is sooooo not who I AM!!!
I will take the time I need to love myself back to a healthy comfortable weight. Not an obsession over those last 10 lbs. Just healthy. That's why I chose not to weigh in at first. Not to focus there. I just want to get back to a size 'Medium' or a pant size 10. I'm 5' 7" - and I can wear my weight fairly well. Height has always been my friend :)
So there you have it.. all the crap! And thank you for listening. I do feel better today. Able to sort thru it all - and know that I am stronger for it. God loves me. And I love me. Over time - and TIME it does take... I will get there.
Much Love.
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