Tamala Bogard's Journal, 05 August 2013

Come on girl.....lets do this!!! You can do it!!! One foot in from of the other!!! You have a lot of support here!!! 

I'll try yet again. I really have some internal emotions that I struggle with ALOT! All negative. So exciting to see some are capable of attaining their goals. I am thoroughly excited for you!! 

Tammy, do the internal emotions have to do with the task of weight loss or are they about other things and just get reflected in your eating/exercises? All of us on here get the "emotions" from the frustrations of trying to get rid of our fat. You can read it in about everyone's journals. People trying their hardest and not seeing results and then they relax a little and the scales will be good for like no good reason. Stuff like that. Then there are people who just have a temporary tough time with life. One of my buddies on here just miscarried and it's tough for her but she gets on here and journals her feelings and she's dealing with the loss and finding her normalcy. And alot of her buddies are there for her. I think you are missing out alot on not being on here and sharing your triumphs and tribulations. As Pink said, there is alot of support on here. 

It's def "other things". Like, finances, finances, finances... I just let my mind do too much deep thinking. Want so desperately to be consistent, but hard when I'm soooo emotional. When I walk, jog, do insanity and the such that all goes away, the stress. Have never felt like I could express my feelings on having absolutely no money... it is so hard. People on the outside could say, well do this or do that, and you'll have money...they have their lives to live and I have mine. I don't tell others how to live their lives. I'm not mad at anyone specific, it's just general mentality. If you don't have money, then, get a job! right? for right now, that is not an option. When the time is right, that will happen. It's the mentality on my part, of I'm not worthy to have any amount of money....I must be worthless...there, I have bore my soul- FINALLY!!! 

I want my sissy....(sniffle) :'((( 

You are not worthless!!! You are homeschooling your child!!!! But don't let that keep you from taking care of yourself and making yourself more healthy! You KNOW working full time is not an option for me and you KNOW what kind of hell I've been living for the last two years. But I am NOT going to let it take me down. It gives me reason to take care of myself, to make myself better, it helps me to prove my point to those who HAVEN'T appreciated me. I'm using it as a catalyst to make myself important/matter when someone else didn't. Take that anger/frustration and use it to show those people what you are made of! Love ya! 

I know, but sometimes can't help but "feel" that way. I don't fully understand the pain you have been through. I admire you so greatly. I see my sister stronger than I've ever had to be, and I've got mixed feelings on that. I love you so much, and I know that you are Always there for me. When you don't hear much from me, it's those times that I withdrawal into myself. I even re-posted that last comment of mine onto FB. I don't care what other people think anymore. HELL, i might as well as delete those nosy busy bodies anyway. Feeling so brave and shit. Sometimes, I wish that I could just talk and post this kind of language on FB. 

That's right....get it all out. We are here for you. I have dealt the last 6+ years of HELL. A lot of days it has just been good enough to get out of bed and stand. That has made me stronger, to where...O Shit I am really hurting myself by shoveling crap in my mouth and swelling up. Everyday is a battle. Just like everyone else on this site. We all have our private demons to deal with. When shit happens and you have abused food, or whatever, there is always the next bite you can take to make it "worth" it. The next walk, the next situp, the next pushup...whatever. You can do this!!! Stay with us.  

Thanks, Baby Cakes. It's very easy for me to be so selfish, about pity party all for me, when everybody is fighting some sort of emotional battle. I was the baby of the fam, and that says alot right there!! no excuse, though... I am so thankful for all support!!!