FullaBella's Journal, 20 July 2013

Saturday huh? I barely remember this week though it sure did seem to lag around Wednesday.

Bullet Proof Coffee - I'm going to have to pass on being the guinea pig for this one; after several web searches I concluded it's just a way to 'fast' without giving the body solid food to process although the 'primal' eaters say it's a no-no. Opinions...everyone has one, right?

I have actually been doing that for most of the past month now (coffee and water but no solid food for breakfast) because I just haven't been hungry most mornings.

I sort of flat lined at the 3lb loss this morning - yay for the loss but I realize it's the result of skipping breakfast without doubling up at lunch or dinner except that one night when I think my double egg, double bacon, double cheese extra large flour tortilla dinner probably pegged out at about 1200 calories. However, I never felt full or uncomfortable so apparently I really was hungry at the time.

So, in summary, it's just a liquid intermittent fast without actually planning it that way. Not hungry means not hungry; no grand schemes. So I don't think I've been bullet-proof. Maybe a little water-proof as I think it was water weight but I'll take it. Maybe it did make me bullet proof as the fluid retention was my body's preparation for my little visitor who didn't arrive; that witch must have flown right by. Hopefully she won't double back like last month.

The flat line response to the loss is because of it would be really easy for me to start skipping breakfast and probably replace lunch with coffee too. That would be my life long eating disorder kicking in. Need to keep that demon reigned in as I work through the rest of my screwy issues.

Farmers Market this morning - color me happy as they are going to start setting up a couple of extra days during the week for next month. Now I don't feel the need to buy a weeks worth of fresh produce at one time and will have an extra reason to walk somewhere during the week.

I thought about that response walking home. I keep hoping some day I'll have that addiction to exercise so many of my friends share here. I keep imagining myself 'running' and of course, in my fantasy I'm doing it smoothly and smiling not that lumbering frowning whumpittybumpwhambump when I do it on the treadmill.

But for now, I still resist the idea of expending energy without a reason. Walking to the market, fine. Walking a mile on the treadmill, silly.

Walking up flights of stairs to go to that little place in the building, fine. Walking 10 flights on a stair master, silly.

Lifting my inventory for shows and rearranging furniture, fine. Lifting a barbell or kettle bell, silly. But again, that's just me.

If only I could be as efficient with my writing as I am with my body this journal would be summarized in a single paragraph. Maybe if I lifted a barbell I wouldn't need to journal so much.

My friend the body builder commented the other day 'if you would just work your upper body a bit you'd be amazed at the difference.' Yeah, I know. He was offering this as his validation for when he answered the question to which I really did want an honest answer: 'What would you estimate my weight based and don't spare my feelings because I'm a girl?' He guessed me 5lbs lighter than I am / was but I calculate he was shaving off his estimate because he has been married long enough to know he could have had to watch me cry. Oh well.

My legs are very muscular, of course, after carrying around so much weight for so long. But yeah, my upper body, no, not so muscular.

I am, though, intrigued at the changes I'm seeing in my body even without the upper body workout. In the past I would buy 'all in ones' (whatever they call that one piece bra-girdle combination that looked like a bullet-proof swimsuit) whenever I lost enough weight to actually fit into and bend over to hook the crotch of one. I never really liked them because they mashed me in the wrong places leaving me more straight than curvy but they did help keep the abdominal flab from rolling over the waist of my too tight jeans.

This time though, because I am trying not to repeat things I've done in the past, I am doing the long-line bra (my apology to guys if you're reading) but not so much a girdle because I'm not wearing my pants tight. And now, I'm actually sporting some curves when dressed. Undressed I'm still the hot mess result of yo-yo weight loss and gravity but I can live with that. However, I do believe my abdominal muscles are responding positively to the different underthings.

Wrapping up today - a vent. I've decided to claim senility and say our vows likely included 'love and cherish' only and I do both. I'm sure 'tolerate' was in there too as it seems I am living with the real live Martin Crane here in Bellawood.

His old recliner chair was breaking down, squeaky beyond lubricating and had grown immune to all cleaning products and the exact identical model despite sharing the same inventory number came in a variety of materials, sizes and stuffings, none of which he'd accept. I have a brand new very pricey recliner gathering dust for the past three years over in the storage room to prove it.

So we did the do-si-do about 'you really need a new chair' this week and the furniture store, understanding his inability to go IN to the store, agreed to let us keep a new one for the 'day' for him to test.

Yet, when they delivered it today, he said 'fine, take the old one away'. I warned 'please, just test it... ' but he wouldn't.

NOW I'm hearing all the 'I don't like this....' it's too high, it's too stuffed, it's too...' you get the idea. Goldilocks in the big bear's chair. All I can do for now is breathe, shrug, and listen. Hopefully he'll get over it before I lose my temper and call him the ugly names swirling in my head like 'ungrateful.. whiney.. impossible to please ... man'.

You gotta hand it to him though. Who else could make me feel like guilty crap over a gift?

Then again, that's only if I allow him. Yikes. Breathing in good thoughts... exhaling the bad.. whew....

Bella

176.0 lb Lost so far: 109.0 lb.    Still to go: 0 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.