FullaBella's Journal, 02 July 2013

[Dr. Melfi gets out her prescription pad]
Tony Soprano: Here we go. Here comes the Prozac!

During my routine Doc visit yesterday I requested she put me into a coma for the next decade until this menopause thing passed. She laughed and wrote a prescription for Celexa promising it would help smooth out the peaks and valleys.

This diagnosis and treatment was explained as she pantomimed a sideways letter 'S' to demonstrate the peaks and valleys. The 'even things out' took on a 'flat line' motion. How was that supposed to be reassuring?

When asked about 'natural' solutions she shrugged her shoulders and wrote down 'St John's Wort' with all the enthusiasm of a root canal. She was already writing "NO" in large capital letters to 'black cohosh' and bio-identicals before I even asked with the explanation I should not be adding hormones at a time when I don't know what if anything is missing. I asked if labs would indicate 'what's missing' and she said 'no.'

As always, I'm skeptical and uncomfortable with anything that is presented with a molecular formula on a Google lookup but too apathetic to ask for a second opinion. Additionally, this whole 'even everything out' in and of itself didn't sit well with me.

Sure, when I'm depressed (and boy, have I ever been lately) I want to feel less depressed but how will I know depression if I don't feel happiness for comparison? I let her prescribe it with a silent 'well, if I decide to skip it this won't be the first drug I've thrown out...' in the back of my mind.

I took the rest of the afternoon off and went for a pedicure. While choosing a polish (cobalt blue) I got involved in a conversation with another woman waiting and somehow flowed to the topic of hormones (imagine that) and she is on the same drug (but different doctor).

She had really good things to say about it; her endorsement even included 'I wish they'd have given it to my in my 20's (she's in her 60's) - maybe I wouldn't have screamed at everyone so much. I didn't realize how depressed I'd been all those years.'

She continued with 'it really helped her level out those peaks & valleys' and she too made the sideways "S" motion followed by the 'flat line' motion but seemed really at peace with it.

This amused me. Apparently the drug reps teach all the doctors the same script and pantomime delivery method. Twice in one day I've had two completely unrelated women waggle their arm at me to describe how a drug works.

It reminded me of when I won a Wii game at a conference in Vegas back when they first came out. I had NO idea what it was; it was the equivalent of telling June Cleaver she'd won a microwave oven. When I asked 'What the Heck is a Wii?" everyone started making that 'over under sideways tennis swing' motion at me. Before long the entire room was swinging their arms frantically in effort to make me understand it. It was comical.

My (then) boss nearly fired me and grandsons nearly disowned me when I shared the story of the 'win' and my relief that I'd found a buyer at the conference for it because I didn't want to have to ship it home. Thank goodness PS3 came along to get myself back in the good graces of the grandsons.

Was this fate? Was this Karma doing the tennis swing at me trying to signal that maybe Celexa will be the second chance at Wii I've been waiting for?

I sat last night and stared at the prescription bottle. What is this 'never go down without a fight' in me that makes me always want to take the hard road? Did the 'no pain, no gain' slogan ruin me for life? Why do I feel if it isn't difficult, it isn't worth it?

I took the first dose last night. My first sip of the kool-aid. Supposedly it will be two weeks before anything positive will be noticed. Hopefully I will feel relief long enough for other things to change for the better and I can let this go. I don't want to imagine a life of sedation but a look back on the ever deepening depression expressed in my journals was proof enough that I had to do something for while.

I'm warned to watch and report the following: mood or behavior changes, anxiety, panic attacks, trouble sleeping, feeling impulsive, irritable, agitated, hostile, aggressive, restless, hyperactive (mentally or physically), more depressed, or have thoughts about suicide.

Well, crap... that just described the past six months and forty years ... how will I know the difference?

On a final note, my friendly stranger shared that her experience with the medication did frequently leave her with no appetite. I waited for the 'up & down' look that implied 'something that could certainly help you...' It didn't come.

I laughed and said 'oh, my..... I sure hate when THAT happens. I hate it those days when I have to just force the ice cream down...'

In other words... if there really is a thin woman inside me.. I wish she'd take control of my mouth. Even at a point when I start to 'look' normal enough to not be the circus side show the fat lady in me still keeps singing.

Bella