kingkeld's Journal, 02 July 2013

(Don't miss out on my edit at the bottom... "DEEP STUFF!". :)

Good morning!

Well, I'm down 200 grams again since yesterday. That's the good news.

The bad news is I could probably have been down WAY more.

I'm still facing some serious challenges when it comes to curbing the carbs in the afternoons, doing the "8 hour window" way of eating. It's a real challenge, but I am still convinced that I can and will learn to do this.

I see so many benefits to doing it, and I honestly believe that it's much more a matter of getting a grip on things than it is about concluding that "it's not for me". I can and will do this.

The whole setup makes perfect sense to me. The thing works, I am sure of it. It's simply a matter of understanding myself well enough to know to avoid the pit falls.

So, what happened?

Well, I did fine all morning again. I had no food thoughts, no issues. I had lunch as always, and steered clear of everything. Then, after work, I went for my early dinner and did enjoy this. I stayed within the calories, did wise choices, and was gonna end up having consumed 550 calories for the day. This was exactly what I had planned.

Then it hit me. The carb monster came and wanted more, more, more.

I just couldn't resist. I had time to spare, and I ended up buying ice cream AND chocolate.

Then - ironically - I went to teach my weight loss class.

And then, even more ironically - I went to buy ice creams for the whole family on the way home. Guess who got the biggest one? :/

And to finish it all off, I had a nice sandwich in the evening. I never eat bread anymore, and I had a frickin' sandwich! What the...?

...

I'm glad I was very active yesterday. I don't think I went over my calorie burn, so all was not lost. I lost track of the calories, so I can't even tell how I did, but I'm gonna have to count it as an Indulgence Day. That'll be my punishment, and I will simple just move along from it.

It does require me to re-assess a little bit on how to do this.

I can't help thinking that the trouble lies in the super low calorie days. I know I can do them, but I think I might be pushing those a little too hard a little too often.

These migth be what results in the binge days. Binge days typically come after a Low Cal Day. I've noticed this.

So, maybe I need to stay closer to the RDI suggested by both Fatsecret and Fitbit on a day-to-day basis and trust that they've got me?

Instead of going 600+ calories on a day-to-day basis, simply go 1500 or even 2000. It's worth a try, but also kinda scary when I'm used to super low days.

Also, it's potentially a "lot of food", even if I know deep down that it's not the food that I gain weight from. It's the calories in it. Smart food choices makes me lose weight, not gain.

...

Still, it's simple logic. I know what the carb monster will do to me, and I need to simply avoid it. I have the tools for killing it (IE the tapping - I know it works), but when the carb monster comes knockin', I forget to implement the tools. I just need to use them. I need to remember what it does to me.

I'm not sure just yet that I want to up my calories all that much. On average, I'm eating perfectly fine. I'm eating enough to not stall my weight loss, and I don't eat as much to make me gain weight. It's just the weekend fluctuations that seem like an endless battle.

I just need a better grip.

...

So, today is another day. I won't go for a Low Cal Day today. I will, however, only have food between 11 am and 7 pm. This is my 8 hour window, and I will stick to it. I will also NOT let the carb monster in. It's not worth it. I want to drop the excess weigth, and inch my way back to 76+ kilos.

I think that most of the trouble comes from ONE moment of weakness, and I see when it comes. It typically comes when I have just eaten something, and if I at that moment have the option to go buy something stupid, then I'll take it.

This is the one moment that I need to learn to handle. Once I got this one under control, then I think I'm pretty good for the rest of the day.
"If you don't start, it's not hard to stop". I say this all the time. Now it's time for me to start remembering it again. This is the one thing that seems to really get me in trouble.

...

Other than the damn carbs, I did great yesterday. I had my lunch and my dinner, and thoroughly enjoyed it.

I did my walk, and since I didn't go to the gym, I expanded my walk. I just detoured and expanded the route, and before I knew it I had walked 8 kilometers! This, of course, made my stats look great!

It seems that IMGUR isn't working today, so I can't upload today's stats. Here are the numbers:

Calories burned: 3350 (goal is 2800)
Very active minutes: 2h10min (goal is 30min)
Distance: 16.46km (goal is 8km)
Steps: 21175 (goal is 10000)
Sleep was 7h6min.

I think I can safely say I did great. Too bad I lost it all to chocolate and ice cream. It really was a great day, if we ignore the carbs. LOL.

Well, today is another day, and I shall do better.

Today is gym day. Wife and I will go straight to the gym after work, and it's gonna help me focus a whole lot too.

I have to say that I miss the gym quite a lot. I find it much harder to do gym in the afternoons, and with less of a schedule to it, but I really want Wife to go, and I don't want to change this. It makes it a LOT harder though. It makes me feel less focused, and much more sluggish. It makes me feel like I never go, though I almost go as I used to. There is not that much of a chance, though I do feel that I skip now and then. I think I might start combining things, and go more. Maybe on days when am too close to a workout with Wife, just go for cardio. Just to help my focus. I need to consider this.

Here is how it could work out:

Wife and I supposedly work out on Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays. If we have a day where we do NOT go to the gym, then I can compensate on Wednesday, Saturday or Monday mornings. Just to make damn sure I get the workouts. This will give me the "risk" of two days in a row, but at the same time I get more workouts, more muscle building and more calories burned. On the other mornings, I could simply go and do the elliptical. Bring an audio book. Have a cup of coffee with the gang afterwards. Make it simple. I will of course still combine this with my daily walks.

This is something I want to consider. It'll cost me a little time in the morning, but it might be worth it. It's all about focus.

...

I see this clearly. CLEARLY. When I focus on the mission, I do great. I progress FAST. The moment things become "normal" and I start to feel that I am comfortable with what I am doing, I start taking things for granted, take the liberty to having "just a little", and then things go straight to hell. This is what I need to focus on. Don't push your luck, Keld. Know what the carbs will do to you, and remember it! REMEMBER IT!

Anyways, enough babbling on this.

Today will be a day with lunch and dinner. Maybe a snack. This snack WILL BE FRUIT, and if anything else a strawberry smoothie. Nothing with carbs that will kick me out of control.

Today I'm gonna go buy some apples.

I don't mind binging on apples. It's very limited just how far that'll take me. One plate of chocolate equals ten apples in calories. I bet I can't eat ten apples. LOL.

...

Today, I'm thankful for:
- Another day. Hopefully another focus. I hate losing grip, and it happens too often these days. Was it me that said that losing weight is always easy? I hope not. If so, I apologize.
- Morning coffee, when you're up too early. I slep great, but not enough.
- Wife, for being the best wife in the world.

Happy Tuesday! Life is good!

EDIT:
Today's 5k walk is done. It was a great walk, and I spent some time pondering on the whole "carb monster" thing, and why I think it's happening.

This is when I remembered that I have been here before. Being really - REALLY - close to my final goal, but keep sabotaging it. The question is - I think - this:

Am I ready to reach the finishing line?

It sounds like a silly question, and the immediate answer is obviously "of course I am!". But I'm honestly not sure it's all that simple.

I've been working hard and long to get here, so why not simply step over the finishing line?

I think it has to do with identities. I think this is at least some of the reason. That, and the love of ice cream. :)

No, seriously, I think I might be sabotaging myself simply because I am not sure I can STAY at 76 kilos. I'm not sure that I can be the weight loss hero I would like to be, and maintain a 76 kilo weight on a day-to-day basis. I'm not sure that this is sustainable.

Of course, it doesn't HAVE to be. Hell, if I stay the weight I am today I would be doing more than well, and I would have accomplished what I've set out to do. But I DO want to reach that final goal, and I do want to stay there. Why? Because I set it as a goal. It's the "normal" weight range, and we all want to be normal in some way, don't we?

My identity as I see it today is being "the guy who is excellent at losing weight". I'm great at it, and I like doing it. But reaching 76 is maybe too hard on me. Seeing that 77 kilos was reached with not too much effort, I simply pushed the goal to make it harder on myself to reach it.

The choice to do this was maybe for me to NOT finish being the "weight loss guy". Maybe it was simply for me to not be finished? This it worth considering, I think.

In order to finish, I need to be okay with having reached my goal, and I need to be able to accept that I am now no longer needing to lose weight. I will have to shift my thoughts to a new phase, and even if the actual change in approach really isn't all that radical, then it's a whole different game seen from MY perspective.

What if I can't retain 76 kilos? What if I gain weight again, like I did last time? What happens after surgery? What if, what if, what if?

Of course, there will always be unanswered questions, and they will keep coming. There is NO need to wait for answers to all of them. If I wait for all the answers and if I wait for all the doubt to be gone, then I can wait forever. I can't allow this to happen.

I hope that realizing these things might help me. The more I think about it, I think the final solution will be one (or more) of the following:

a. I will realize that I can and will finish, and focus on reaching my goal of 76 kilos. The realization will help me NOT sabotage myself too often. This will help me maintain 76 kilos on a much more regular basis. I see that eating in a more "common sense"-way will help me. Just follow the rules that I know will get me there. I know these rules deep down and all I gotta do it follow them, control the sugars, and just do good. It's not rocket science. All issues are on an emotional level, and I can handle them!

b. I will realize that I can and will finish, but that it's not in any way be-all-end-all that I constantly am at 76 kilos, and that fluctuations will happen on a regular basis, they'll be high, and I will be able to knock 'em down within a week or so, as always.

c. I will simply be okay with weighing maybe 80 kilos instead of 76, in general.

I kinda hope that the end result is not c. But if it is, so be it. I still like option a much better than the others, but I hope that I will just "settle in" a comfortable place between them.

To me, this was a pretty surprising discovery. I'm curious to see if this changes anything for me. If I can agree with myself why I sabotage my own mission, then I can much easier deal with it by either acceptance or stubbornness. :)

So, let us see what today brings. I am STILL on my mission to do this right, to lose the kilos, and to reach goal. I want this, and I will aim for it.

Let's go.

END OF EDIT.
179.0 lb Lost so far: 162.7 lb.    Still to go: 0 lb.    Diet followed poorly.
on diet kingkeld's own diet  

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Comments 
Well done on the walk, Keld. That's quite an achievement. 
01 Jul 13 by member: Helewis
Reading your 'edit'. I think you have really hit on something there. I think we get scared of regaining AND of not being thought of, as someone who is continuing to be successful in weight loss, it gives us a 'I am successful' feeling. I believe our bodies need to adjust and find a healthy weight that it is happy with. If we keep pushing and pushing for a weight that it is not happy with, it just keeps putting it on, or gives us cravings that defeat our efforts. I have seen lots of people who have lost weight... But gone that little bit too far. As you get older, you need to carry a little extra weight, otherwise you begin to look scrawny. I have re-assessed my 'ideal' weight and realised that I need a little extra 'fat' now, otherwise I look too scraggy. I weigh about 25 pounds more, than I did when I was in my 20's - looking back, I was a little too thin, but wasn't scrawny looking. When I started my weight loss journey, I was hankering to reach my old weight - I would look like a bag of bones, if I had reached it. I think I have now got my head around, NOT looking at the scales and thinking, I want to be 'this' or 'that' weight. I use my clothes as a guide, to whether I have gained weight, if they are a little snug, I watch what I eat..... Can't afford to buy a new wardrobe LOL. I know I am in the 'healthy' BMI weight range - so I am ok with that. (I realise BMI is not the best measure - but at least it is a gauge). My 'so called' 100% ideal BMI, is about 20 pounds less than my current weight - which I now realise is way to low for me. I think my body has 'settled' at my current weight - ok - if we have a few 'food' blow outs, I will put on, but I am now aware of the dangers and just cut back for a few days. I try not to eat for the sake of it.... ie snack on rubbish, while watching TV, although I must to admit to a few slips LOL. But non of us can be good 100% of the time. Good luck with your new found knowledge... This site is great for keeping us 'aware' of what is happening to our bodies. Unfortunately, us ex 'fatties' will probably always have to be conscious of this. 
02 Jul 13 by member: Sk1nnyfuture
"If you don't start, it's not hard to stop"... Cool. It is necessary to remember. 
02 Jul 13 by member: sochi2014
Sochi, this has saved my butt MANY times. :) It's a philosiphy I try to live by. However, it's not always as easy as it sounds.  
02 Jul 13 by member: kingkeld
Sk1nny - thank you for your thoughts. I completely agree. I am still not sure what "my" prefered weight is. I like the "under 80". I like the 77, and the 76. I like the thought of just winging it, but I would feel that I let go TOO much if I did that. And, of course, I still have the surgery coming sometime this fall, and I need to be just around 80 or less for them to do it. So I can't just let go. I need to stay in total (more or less) control. I do, however, know what needs to be done about it. Today I went on my lunch break walk. No chocolate. No ice cream. No carb monsters lurking around the corner. I did buy a Coke Zero and a bag of apples and pears. As Mike O'Connor who wrote "2 Meal Solution" says: "I dare you to binge on apples. See how far you can go". He's right. On apple is about 10% of the calories that are in a chocolate bar. No real threat. :) So far, I have no urge for them, though, but they are here at work when I need them, and I'll make sure to bring a few home for night snacks (until 7pm when my feeding window closes, that is).  
02 Jul 13 by member: kingkeld
Keld - you have touched on something that really strikes a cord with me. Having been on this site for a very long time - I remember feeling the most 'unsettled' approaching my 'goal weight' - than at any other time. Once I figured out how to get a pound or two to come off...and then repeated that process thru diligence over months... Viola...I was nearing my goal. But where did that goal number come from? THIN AIR! Seriously...when I signed up on FS I had to put a number in that box, so I reached for a number that was like a weight I once used to weigh - and I threw that in there. But once I got to 'GOAL' and 'Maintenance' - my thinking began to mess w/ me. How people (here and outside of this site) looked to me for advice. They saw me as Totally Successful. I saw me as still longing to lose 5 more pounds. And completely unable to manage it. It became such a frustrating rollercoaster - and the slip ups quickly made the elusive 5 pounds turn back into 10, then 15. Now that I am back in the driver's seat...and headed back in the direction of the overall weight I feel most comfortable at, I am a LOT more prepared for the 'unsettled' emotions that will come w/ 'hitting my goals'. - Here's my point... If you don't want to re-gain, and to be successful at maintaining your weightloss - I suggest you get comfortable with this 'Never Being Over.' Would you rather still be Obese and not thinking about your habits... Or... The size you are and having to 'manage it' on a weekly / daily basis? It's a lifetime commitment... or so it seems to me. 
02 Jul 13 by member: jsfantome
You're absolutely right, js - just like Pam. And it obviously also begs the question "when is good enough good enough?". For me, it was impossible to put a goal number other than what the doctors dictated. I had no reference weight from when I was younger, as I was always overweight. I had no reference points. However, I did have my doctor's BMI requirement for surgery, and even if I am not technically a slave to that number any longer, the surgeon has me focused on needing to weight just about 80 kilos. I realize I have more muscle now than when I weighted 90 kilos and she told me to lose ten. It's a different game now. For that very reason, I am seeing her early next month to get a new assessment. In other news, I still haven't seen the carb monster today, but I did feel peckish and had an apple. :) 
02 Jul 13 by member: kingkeld
I like the way you thought this out. Anyone can lose weight but it is the keeping it off part that is the hardest. You're right about getting too comfortable with the loss and think, "one bite won't hurt" but those one bites can really add up. You've touched on a lot of issues in the post and I'd probably have to write one just as long to tell you my thoughts but I want to ask if you've heard of the Alternate Day Diet? The way that you have low cal days mixed with the higher days reminded me of it. Maybe this might help with those days when you want/need more. 
02 Jul 13 by member: davidsmom
YOU are doing an awesome work within yourself! So proud of your accomplishments! Truly!!! But getting to know you, has been a privilege REGARDLESS of the weightloss! Once your fall surgery is over, do you think you will be requiring anything additional?? There will come a point where you will literally stop and think...'it's all me now.' You will have to be the one (not a dr., or a surgery requirement) - that causes you to want to Maintain. And if you are honest with yourself, and 77 is your number... then maintain at 77!!! If you are comfortable w/ 80... so be it! But keep setting goals for yourself... like helping others, or transforming your shape thru exercise - and NEVER lose sight of how far you've come...and what you've done for yourself! You've done a wonderful thing, for you...for your wife and family...and your payout is many healthy, wonderful...active...years to come!!!! 
02 Jul 13 by member: jsfantome
Js - after this coming surgery that is it!! I am done, finished. Then it's ALL me, all maintenance. Of course, after that surgery I will need to get a grip on things again, I won't be able to exercise like I have been for quite a while. I will have to maintain a proper weight without restricting myself, as my body will need the energy to recover. However, I think I am much better prepared this time. The approach will be the same, though. Get the surgery, focus on calories (only, don't lose focus this time). It's a much simpler surgery this time, and healing should be a lot easier. I should fairly quickly be able to do my walks, and there will be quite a bit of exercise that I can do at the gym after a few weeks. Then, as I am ready for it, I will implement the things that I can't do from the get-go. Also, I have a very clear idea about going to the gym at the same times as I always to, simply to hang out - to make it feel like I am still going. The moment I stop going, it'll be harder to get back to it. :) I really appreciate the kind words.  
02 Jul 13 by member: kingkeld
Your ups and downs (of weight, and otherwise), trial and errors, pitfalls, tests for youself, self-discovering and correcting yourself, successes and motivations-- ALL have helped me discover MY self. I've learned so much from you, KingKeld, and I continue to discover new things through your daily journals. Because of you (and SarahsMum) I am testing my own limits and reactions to Interrmittent Fasting as a Diabetic, and no longer afrad to try. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that even with your occasional carb monster days such as the one you mention here you give strength and inspire me...as well as many others! THANK YOU! 
02 Jul 13 by member: RavenSoul69
Davidsmom, I have heard about it, and I am pretty sure it's not very different from what I do already, only they give it a name. It's kind of how it ends up for me constantly, regardless. However, I think I like where I am heading. The moment I can claim to have the carb monster under reasonable control, I will be very happy with the way I am eating. I have total lack of "food stress" during my mornings, I eat a satisfying lunch, then fruit snacks (apples! cant binge on apples!), and then dinner. If I want dessert on a weekday, then more apples! :) I think I can handle this. I don't want to go too nuts and have a high calorie intake on these days, and it's very easy to stay low with only two meals and low calorie snacks, and this will leave room for a weekend thing, though I know I need to restrict myself a little more on Saturdays. It's been a little too "free" for me lately. This is something I'm gonna work on, along with learning to fly on the 2 meal solution. :) 
02 Jul 13 by member: kingkeld
I appreciate it, RavenSoul69. Good luck with trying out Intervittent fasting. You'll be surprised to learn how easy it really is in many ways.  
02 Jul 13 by member: kingkeld
You certainly know how to "get us all thinking" and giving our opinions KK. I had a quick look at my notifications while having lunch.... And guess what, lots of KK buddies commenting LOL. 
02 Jul 13 by member: Sk1nnyfuture
I'm going to have to reread this tonight when I have more time. Sounds too interesting to pass up! 
02 Jul 13 by member: Neptunebch
I second Neptunebch and Sk1nnyfuture...this really got me thinking and I need time to really read it and absorb it. The comment about reaching the finish line is really sticking with me.  
02 Jul 13 by member: DessaLyn
Keld, every time I read this I see something new and forget what I was going to comment ... so I may do it in pieces. Carbs - I have that issue too and while I know SOME people may say 'nothing after Xpm at night...' I find as long as I have them w/in an hour of BED I'm fine; if I try to have them tooo early in the day I'm going to go crazy all day wanting more more more and if I try to say 'never ever' then I know I'm really setting myself up to fail so that's the best 'balance' I've found with having my cake and eating it too .. so to speak :-0) Ok. more to read. 
02 Jul 13 by member: FullaBella
Bella, I completely get your point about having your cake and eat it too (lovely pun, isn't it?). I don't really feel that I am depriving myself at all. I can "give in" if I feel that I want/need to. However, I think some general "house rules" are good to have. There will always be days where we stray from the path, and those are the days where I WILL eat the cake. :) Pun definitely intended.  
02 Jul 13 by member: kingkeld

     
 

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